Sparrows Options

[anaisa]

She calls to say she's at Grandma's,
had pizza for dinner, the evil cat hid
beneath her bed to nip her toes,

and the treasure chest in the hall holds
enough pennies for a Disneyland trip.

We chat about her new “old”
room; Barbie stickers in the third drawer,
she had forgotten
all about them— along with a box
of nail polish and glitter pens.

She chirps into the phone,
“Two very sad things happened today,
we found a dead bird by the peach tree
and don't even know why it died.”

I suggest a funeral, putting the sparrow
in a tiny box with rhinestones on the cover,
digging a grave,
singing to it.

She approves— distracted by the idea
that the cat may be lurking
inside her wardrobe.

“What was the other sad thing, darling?”

Her thoughts flutter around the room
in search of the second thing...

A few moments later she discovers
the words, and like a child
finding a brilliant robin egg,
or a pointing out a nestling to a friend,

she states in her important voice,
“Oh yes, my mom's in jail again.”

[Alan]

Dear Karen,

My, what a surprise ! Great story, but makes me want to know "who" is talking to "whom", and what age they are.

I mean, I'm assuming this is a true story ? What relationship are you to the girl, how old is she ?

Perhaps it was your intent to layer mystery upon mystery, you have me hooked ?

Oh, and the title - I take it the bird, and the girl, are both sparrows ?

Love
Alan

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Karen, mystery upon mystery, I too am somewhat confuse-ed... the last line was very much a surprise and sort of make one go ..What?... not that I don't like surprize endings. Seems like there are some questions that need answers here.

Steve

[anaisa]

Hi Alan,


I think this is why forums are so good, the writer knows all the history and assumes
the reader can piece it together, and sometimes too much is left out--
but telling the story to you, isn't going to help the poem get any better, really.
Maybe I should just let it sit a bit.

This is about a neighborhood child who has had a pretty sad life so far, at age 7.
Her mom has a drug problem, as was a live-in care giver to an old man across the street. We ended up
entertaining the child most of the time, since she was so neglected.

Recently, she was taken out of the home by the authorities and placed with her grandmother.

So it is true.. and quite sad.

Karen

Dear Karen,

My, what a surprise ! Great story, but makes me want to know "who" is talking to "whom", and what age they are.

I mean, I'm assuming this is a true story ? What relationship are you to the girl, how old is she ?

Perhaps it was your intent to layer mystery upon mystery, you have me hooked ?

Oh, and the title - I take it the bird, and the girl, are both sparrows ?

Love
Alan

[anaisa]

Hi Steve

I told the story to Alan~
Basically, the death of the sparrow is a metaphor for the slow death of this child's spirit.
She has been hurt so much she has grown numb. That's what I hoped to convey,
not sure I quite got there.

Karen

Karen, mystery upon mystery, I too am somewhat confuse-ed... the last line was very much a surprise and sort of make one go ..What?... not that I don't like surprize endings. Seems like there are some questions that need answers here.

Steve

[Alan]

Dear Karen,

You sound slightly "down" in that you did not convey all you menat to.

But I would like to encourage you to feel very up, because what you have here is a very interesting story which has prompted two demands for more info.

All you have to do now is edit the poem to include a little more info, and you will have a great piece. I look forward to reading it.

Soon !

Love
Alan

[anaisa]

Hi Alan,

I am a little down, but isn't the poem. My mom, age 83, was just told
on Friday she has stage 3 cancer, and so it's kind of a shocker--the info was quite
unexpected.
As far as the poem goes, what do you think I should add? I'm assuming my relationship to the child,
but anything else? I'm kind of lost as to what it needs at this point, after I determine that,
I think it will be easy for me to fix.

Karen

[Alan]

Dear Karen,

Sorry to hear about your Mom. Something that comes to us all, which I refer to as "dropping the body", because the person/being never dies. My mother went nearly 2 years ago 13 days before her 100th !

I hesitate to say what you should add to the poem, perhaps your remark earlier to let it lie (but not for too long !), you will probably see for yourself.

Have a go at that, if you really are stuck, let me know, and I will thrust both feet into my mouth and help.

Love
Alan

[Eisa]

Hello again, Karen.

This is a fascinating one. Thanks for the explanations to clarify. I wouldn't worry if people don't 'get' this to start - I read many poems that I don't quite understand. Also I often do many revisions before I feel my work is 'polished'

A few suggestions.

[ ] means delete

I think there are parts that need trimming back. Conciseness gives more impact.
The parts about the cat could be written in italics.

She calls to say she's at Grandma's
and had pizza for dinner

the evil cat hid
beneath her bed to nip her toes,

and the treasure chest in the hall holds
enough pennies for a Disneyland trip.

The parts about the cat could be written in italics.

We chat about her new “old”
room; Barbie stickers in the third drawer,
she had forgotten
all about them— along with a box
of nail polish and glitter pens.

This could be trimmed a little to

We chat about her new “old”
room; the forgotten Barbie stickers
in the third drawer,
along with a box
of nail polish and glitter pens.


She chirps into the phone,
“Two very sad things happened today,
we found a dead bird by the peach tree
and don't [even] know why it died.”

I suggest a funeral, putting the sparrow
in a tiny box with rhinestones on the cover,
digging a grave,
singing to it.

I think you could miss out saying its a funeral as you hint at it by talking of a grave, then write the part about the cat in italics again

I suggest putting the sparrow
in a tiny box with rhinestones on the cover,
burying it in a grave,
singing to it. She approves.

that the cat may be lurking
inside her wardrobe.

“What was the other sad thing, darling?”

Her thoughts flutter around the room
in search of the second thing...

A few moments later she discovers
the words, and like a child
finding a brilliant robin egg,
or a pointing out a nestling to a friend,


I feel it complicates by adding ' pointing out he nestling to a friend' - keep it simple

Her thoughts flutter around the room
for a few moments until
she discovers the words,
and like a child finding a brilliant robin egg,
she states in her important voice,


she states in her important voice,
“Oh yes, my mom's in jail again.”


I hope something I've offered might help, but if it doesn't suit your intent then just ignore.

Snow

I am so sorry to hear about your mother - this is a difficult time for you all. You'll be in my thoughts.

[anaisa]

Hi Alan,

Thanks for coming back to this. I think I will make the cuts
that Eisa suggested and move on for a bit, then come back to it
later.

Karen

[anaisa]

Hi Eisa,

Thanks for the help on this. Yes I agree with you.
But this line looks strange to me--

singing to it. She approves.

that the cat may be lurking
inside her wardrobe.


Because the cat part seems to be
an incomplete sentence--and Im not sure how
to clean that up. I'm going to work on this
a little, make most of the changes and file it
for a bit-- maybe I'll get a revelation :-)

Karen

Karen

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Karen, the back story does help understanding, and Eisa has suggested some good changes. I find that if I haven't already typed the poem into the word processor that sitting the paper aside for a couple of weeks then rereading helps, do the same with the poem if already in the word processor, except it is easier to change things there...lol. Sorry to hear about your Mom, but 83 is quite a good age, my mom was 63, my day was 70, if I make it to 65 I will feel very lucky, Dying comes to us all, just knowing that you are going and knowing how close it may be brings things in to a new light. It is very hard thing to do, and the one thing that no one can help you with, you have to do it all by yourself, even with all your loved ones beside you it is still just you. I think for me that has been the hardest part of acceptance, I have been promised that it will not hurt, so there isn't much else that I am afraid of. except of course leaving behind all my loved ones and dear friends. Do know that prayers are with you and your mom,
Take care
steve

[anaisa]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for the nice reply. I was with my mom over the weekend
and she is happy and fairly upbeat, but will refuse chemo
and I'm okay with that- no sense in getting sick every day
for months, just to have it come back later.

Like you say, 83 is pretty good. I think she and my dad
are going on a cruise or something... and she is going
to ignore it as long as possible.

Meanwhile I'll just be okay with what ever she is ok with.

Karen

[Eisa]

Hi Eisa,

Thanks for the help on this. Yes I agree with you.
But this line looks strange to me--

singing to it. She approves.

that the cat may be lurking
inside her wardrobe.


Because the cat part seems to be
an incomplete sentence--and Im not sure how
to clean that up. I'm going to work on this
a little, make most of the changes and file it
for a bit-- maybe I'll get a revelation :-)

Karen

Hello again Karen

Yes ... that line looks wrong, I meant to delete 'that' should have been

The cat may be lurking
inside her wardrobe.

I've just read about your parents going on a cruise - great idea!

Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Karen, I understand your moms view one hundred per cent, when they told me I couldn't have a lung transplant, I said that that was it no more invasive testing, had a lot of doctors that went but, but but... all but my pulmonary Doctor and he said , you do what ever you please for it is your life and that is the only control you have left is to say no. I have the no resuscitation papers and also have made it part of my living will, and my family all know and agree, I hope your mom will get this done as if not she might be given stuff that she might not want at this stage of life.

Take Care

Steve

[merle]

Hi Anaisa -

Your initial poem was very clear to me but I think that's because I've been in the adult's shoes many times. Even without the ending there is a sense of melancholy delicately threaded throughout. On the downside, this reads (to me) more along the lines of a first paragraph of a story. Deciding what to leave in and what to leave out can be very difficult. I did enjoy it and will read more of your work.

Robin

[Siren]

Hello Karen,

It's really great to meet you and to be introduced to such a descriptive and well written poem

To me, this read perfectly because it reads from a childs point of view and so its tone is just right and doesn't need any additions to clear up the topic.

I'm lookking forward to interacting with you and welcome to MM. Hope you enjoy being in our midst and aspire to learn a lot from you.

I see Eisa has given you some great points to consider.

Will return

Dani

[anaisa]

Hi Robin,

It's nice to meet you, and thank you for commenting on this.
I appreciate the feed back.

Karen

Hi Anaisa -

Your initial poem was very clear to me but I think that's because I've been in the adult's shoes many times. Even without the ending there is a sense of melancholy delicately threaded throughout. On the downside, this reads (to me) more along the lines of a first paragraph of a story. Deciding what to leave in and what to leave out can be very difficult. I did enjoy it and will read more of your work.

Robin

[anaisa]

Hi Dani,

It's good to be here, everyone is helpful
and nice--and the poems are wonderful on this site.
Thanks,

Karen

Hello Karen,

It's really great to meet you and to be introduced to such a descriptive and well written poem

To me, this read perfectly because it reads from a childs point of view and so its tone is just right and doesn't need any additions to clear up the topic.

I'm lookking forward to interacting with you and welcome to MM. Hope you enjoy being in our midst and aspire to learn a lot from you.

I see Eisa has given you some great points to consider.

Will return

Dani