Return of the King, Not sure if this should be poetry or prose... Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Return of the King

I break my fast with the dregs
of last nights repast tea,
a charred bit of roasted bird
and crust of bread.

My master calls
for the bitter vetch,
arrow root and St. Johns wert.
His concoction a remedy
to postpone the evil
he says is in his mind.

I know not of physics
or remedies, only that
this works for him.
I see within his eyes the change.

He is paranoid, he is like twin
brothers, one good, one evil.
It is a war he battles every day.

We must constantly be vigil,
and move from place to place
to keep his enemies at bay.

For he is not only my master,
but true king of this land that
now his brother rules in his stead.

Long five years have passed,
and we have traveled far together,
he will not trust another, he assures
me with his steady hand and heart.

Once we find the golden orb of mythos,
he can fix forever the split his brother caused
with in his brain and be as one.

That day is not so far of for me,
I see the final destination in my dreams.
I know that when he becomes true king
again my time is ended and I am glad.

My only wish is for his return
to peaceful sitting on the throne.
For the anguished scowl to be forever
wiped from his brow.

[Siren]

Hello Steve,

What drew me to this was the title and your undecidedness on what it could be...

To me it reads prose like. So which way do you want to go. I like the mythical syle of the poem and I love the opening stanza. You have original wording and the descriptions are impeccable. I can smell the meal and taste it.

It does need a bit of tweaking and will work out as a poem better.

I'll come back to offer thoughts tomorrow... hopefully

Enjoyed the tale.
Dani

[Larry]

Hi Steve,

This is most assuridly prose or perhaps a narrative ballad. I like the story of the faithful servant/companion as he ministers to his king. I've given you a few thoughts of spelling/punctuation/grammatical errors. Hope you can use them. If not - toss them all.

Return of the King

I break my fast with the dregs
of last nights repast (semi-colon) tea,
a charred bit of roasted bird
and (a) crust of bread.

My master calls
for the bitter vetch,
arrow root and St. Johns (-wort) wert. (Hyphenated - Believed to bloom on St. John the Baptist's feast)
His concoction(semi-colon) a remedy
to postpone the evil
he says is in his mind.

I know not of physics
or remedies, only that
this works for him.
I see within his eyes the change.

He is paranoid,(.) (He) he is like twin
brothers, (semi-colon) one good, one evil.
It is a war he battles every day.

We must constantly be vigil, (vigilant - vigil is a noun)
and move from place to place
to keep his enemies at bay.

For he is not only my master,
but true king of this land that
now his brother rules in his stead.

(Five long ) Long five years have passed, (or - A long five years...)
and we have traveled far together,(.)
(He) he will not trust another, he assures
me(,) with his steady hand and heart.

Once we find the golden orb of mythos,
he can fix forever the split his brother caused
(within) with in his brain and be as one.

That day is not so far of for me,
I see the final destination in my dreams.
I know that when he becomes true king
again(,) my time is ended and I am glad.

My only wish is for his return
to peaceful(ly) sitting on the throne.(,)
(and for) For the anguished scowl to be forever
wiped from his brow.

I would have put the actual semi-colon punctuation mark but the "winking smiley face icon" kept popping up where I would have you change your current punctuation to a semi-colon.

Larry

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Dani and Larry, thanks for reading and for your kind words. It kind of felt like prose but I think I was looking for ballad Larry, I do appreciate the wonderful work over and punctuation grammar help. I think I was half asleep when I typed this in, I swear...lol. I will be back to work the tweaks and fixes on this thanks again.

Steve

[Maggie]

Hi Steve,

What an impressively imaginative narrative poem!!! I'm wondering what century and country you have in mind. Wish there were some way to get that information incorperated into the body of the poem.I think the country might be England or France, and the time around 900 a.d. before the Norman invasion. What says you?

I believe Larry has given you some valuable punctuation help here.

I certainly enjoyed this, and for myself I definitely think it's a poem.

Peggy

[Guest_sandiegopoet_*]

Interesting narrative piece.

I'm not convinced it's prose, but it does lack poetic devices. It wouldn't take more than three or four brief snips of metaphor, simile or personification to turn this into a bona fide poem.

* * * * *

In S1L2, I would give "nights" an apostrophe, since it is a possessive form.

In S2L3, I would give "St. Johns wert" an apostrophe for the possessive and an "o" rather than an "e" in wort.

In S8L3, I would combine "with" and "in" into "within."

In S9L1, I think that's "off" instead of "of."

* * * * *

Somehow this has me thinking of Raul and Fidel Castro.

Fred

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Thank you all for the great replies, I am a bit backlogged with answering right now, am going thru another medication change and getting use to it... Just celebrated my grandsons 1st birthday yesterday.. doesn't seem like it has been a year all ready.... Any one here a Lost fan? did you watch the finale? Were you satisfied with the ending? I was quite happy with the way it ended just sorry that it has, they have canceled flash forward and heros now what the heck am I supposed to watch besides fringe...???

Srteve