Gone in Increments Options

[anaisa]

revised~

September dawn has lit my lemon tree
and tinted fruit in mystic, ruby shades.
Small clusters hang like silent bells against
the window pane. A citrus scent cascades

along each waxy leaf, then lifts to comb
worn eaves where last year's empty nests are wedged.
My cat is pacing underneath the sill;
moist lilies and geraniums have edged

against the mossy walk and wall. My sheers
are parted, and I watch one saffron beam
appear through thorny boughs. Now morning warms
the lawn in increments of light. Each seam

of day is filled with thoughts of you— aloof
in subtle turns and hues of cloud. Reserved
inside wrapped petals of a rose. Your hand
holds all elusive beauty I've observed.




***

September dawn has lit my lemon tree
and tinted fruit in mystic, ruby shades.
Small clusters hang like silent bells against
the window pane. A citrus scent cascades

around each waxy leaf, then lifts to comb
worn eaves where empty nests are wedged.
My cat is pacing underneath the sill;
moist lilies and geraniums have edged

beyond the mossy walk and wall. My sheers
are parted as I watch one saffron beam
appear through thorny boughs. Now morning warms
the lawn in increments of light and every seam

of day is filled with glints of you— aloof
in subtle turns and hues of cloud. Reserved
inside the twisted petal of a rose. Your hand
holds all elusive beauty I've observed.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Karen, wow what an entry to the beginning of your participation here in MM. A very beautiful and haunting piece. I feels multi layered and yet is each word is simple and straight forward. This might be something to read and reread again. Until all taste has been wrung from these verses. A very warm welcome to you.

Steve

[anaisa]

Karen, wow what an entry to the beginning of your participation here in MM. A very beautiful and haunting piece. I feels multi layered and yet is each word is simple and straight forward. This might be something to read and reread again. Until all taste has been wrung from these verses. A very warm welcome to you.

Steve

Hi Steve,

Thank you for the nice welcome. I look forward to reading more poetry here,
and posting as well. I appreciate your comments.

Karen

[Larry]

Hello & Welcome Karen,

You never gave us an introduction or told us about the level of critique you prefer so I'll be as gentle as possible with "Gone...".

You started with IP and then lost a foot or added a foot here and there throughout your poem. I love the picture you have painted in my mind but I stumble on the line variables. Your enjambment is beautifully done though.

September dawn has lit my lemon tree
and tinted fruit in mystic, ruby shades.
Small clusters hang like silent bells against
the window pane. A citrus scent cascades

(perfection)

around each waxy leaf, then lifts to comb
worn eaves where empty nests are wedged. (short 1 foot)
My cat is pacing underneath the sill;
moist lilies and geraniums have edged

(Perhaps add "last years" between "where" and "empty")

beyond the mossy walk and wall. My sheers
are parted as I watch one saffron beam
appear through thorny boughs. Now morning warms
the lawn in increments of light and every seam (over 1 foot)


(Perhaps - "the lawn in increments of light. Each seam")


of day is filled with glints of you— aloof
in subtle turns and hues of cloud. Reserved
inside the twisted petal of a rose. Your hand (over 1 foot)
holds all elusive beauty I've observed.

(Perhaps - "inside soft petals of a rose. Your hand")

As with any suggestions or critiques on this site, they are yours to take or toss as you will. Whether you decide to tweak your poem here and there is always up to you. Thank you for sharing a lovely thought.

Larry

[anaisa]

Hi Larry,

Thanks for going over the poem, I agree with your suggestions;
I completely missed the line problem, until you pointed it out. Thanks!


As for a the level of critique, I'm comfortable with almost any
thoughts pointed out to me. So if you see anything else, feel free
to let me know.

Karen

[Alan]

Dear Karen,

Quite apart from the fact that you wear one of my all-time favorite girls' names (the daughter in Field of Dreams), I have to say, as a NON-carer about "nature" poetry, that I really enjoyed this ! I am minded of Robert Frost.

Larry's crits are spot on, I commend their use to you.

Love
Alan

[anaisa]

Hi Alan,

Nice to meet you. I'm glad you liked this.
Thank you so much for commenting. If I can figure
out how to edit it...and repost on the same spot, I will fix it!

Karen

[anaisa]

okay- I did the revision, but am lost on how to print "revision" beneath or by the title of the piece,
should I do that?

[Larry]

Hello again Karen,

No more crits from me. The revision is beautiful and I'm pleased that some of the things I said were utilized.

As far as denoting a revision, when you are in the process of editing; the title, type of poem, etc. are at the top of the page. You can just add "revised" by the title and it will show up on the main forum board and on your posted poem.

Again, welcome to our little part of the world where everyone I've met has the talent to pierce your heart and soul with the written word.

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Karen

I read this late last night and have come back to offer some suggestions - but you have already revised and I must say you have ironed all the wrinkles out beautifully. Well done!

I love nature poems and this is a delight to read - I'll be back to read again! I can see I will enjoy having you around.

Snow