 Lucky Charm |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Apr 24 10, 09:33
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#1
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry  |
revised .. TY Eira
I rolled through the hallway in search of my key. Silver and shiny; my lucky charm. The wheels on my rollers worn with age, have hustled this way incessantly. My key has no lock to fill. Its argent-curved edges glint in the contours of your smile. You offered me that key not so long ago. Enthralled, I held onto it for life. But now it fell when I slipped. I'm still rolling in search of you my lucky charm. This might be totally off! Original I rolled through the hallway in search of my key. It's silver and shiny; my lucky charm. The wheels on my rollers so worn with age, had hustled this way incessantly. My key has no lock to fit through. Its argent-curved edges glint in the shape of your smile. You offered me that key not so long ago. Enthralled, I held onto it for life. But now it fell through, when I slipped. I am still rolling in wait for you. "Where are you my lucky charm?" ·······  ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner     |
  
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Apr 24 10, 11:26
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Oh, Siren, I love this piece! I intuit a great deal about a lost love, and you've so cleverly put the author on roller-skates! Wonderfully metaphoric, at least that's the way it comes over to me.. Correct me if I'm wrong! It's delicate & sad. I will return to see whether I have any nits. I have an invitation now, so must leave, with a sigh of pleasure after a lovely read. Love, Sylvia ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner          |
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Apr 25 10, 14:31
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#3
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Dani
I really like this - a very original metaphor for lost love. I feel you could possibly prune this back in parts, so here are my suggestions - take or toss! I rolled through the hallway in search of my key, [It's silver and shiny; my lucky charm.] my shiny silver lucky charm The wheels on my rollers [so] worn with age, have[d] hustled this way incessantly. My key has no lock to fit [through]. Its argent-curved edges glint in the shape of your smile. You offered me that key not so long ago. Enthralled, I held onto it for life. But now it fell [through], when I slipped. I am still rolling [in wait] in search of you. my lucky charm. ["Where are you my lucky charm?"] Well ... just a few thoughts - take what you like from them. Hugs Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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Apr 26 10, 17:06
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#4
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Psyche @ Apr 24 10, 16:26 )  Oh, Siren, I love this piece! I intuit a great deal about a lost love, and you've so cleverly put the author on roller-skates! Wonderfully metaphoric, at least that's the way it comes over to me.. Correct me if I'm wrong! It's delicate & sad. I will return to see whether I have any nits. I have an invitation now, so must leave, with a sigh of pleasure after a lovely read. Love, Sylvia Hey Sylvia, You got the metaphor right. I'm so glad you liked this one and hope to see any nits if you have them. Hugs Love Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Apr 26 10, 17:33
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#5
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hello Eira,
It's so wonderful to interact with you again and I am glad you ventured here. You really gave me food for thought and I tweaked this and hope you check back in to see the end result. Love Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Apr 26 10, 19:53
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Dani - just called to give a 'thumbs up' to your revision.
Just one little typo when [i] I slipped. Hugs Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Apr 27 10, 05:38
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#7
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hey Hny...
Thanks for dropping back in and for the help and am glad it got tweaked up well.  hugs and see you in the next one dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Apr 28 10, 12:56
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#8
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 Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Frankly Siren I think this poem needs to be started all over again. It is flat and rather dull.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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Apr 28 10, 17:39
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#9
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hey Sergio,
It's been a while since i've seen you venturing into my threads. I do appreciate your blunt opinion and would really love to see which way you would go with this. Maybe you can give me suggestions to ponder? thanks dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Apr 28 10, 21:01
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#10
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Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Sorry Siren but I really don't think this can be salvaged. My suggestion is start from scratch. Get into your emotions and work on bring them up to the surface.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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May 1 10, 01:59
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#11
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Dear Dani, I see that you've already done a great rev to this poem. I must say that I love the delicately expressed emotions in these fairly simple but strikingly metaphorical lines. I wish I had thought of the roller-skates myself! I do apologize for not offering my own nits yet, but life's complicated. I know you'll understand, as you've had your own share of barren periods concerning poetry. I'm so very glad your Muse has returned in such good form. Hugs, Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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May 1 10, 18:27
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#12
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Thank you for dropping back in sergio. I guess going back to the drawing boards would be good.
Thanks again ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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May 1 10, 18:30
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#13
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hey Sylvia,
I so appreciate your comment and am glad this poem has touched someone as prolific as you are. As for the dry spell I understand it all too well. i hope you get back on track.... Hugs Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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May 2 10, 23:34
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#14
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Dani! I hope your good wishes come true! At least I'm reading a lot of prose & poetry, so perhaps that'll tickle my Muse into action...LOL...although I've been reading since the cradle.. I guess it's mainly the personal problems that affect one, especially when loved ones are ill. It's really wonderful to have you back in such good form. Hugs, Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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