Breathes Death (Revised), Karnak "Longfellow's Excelsior Challenge" in SQ Format Options

[Larry]

Breathes Death

Ra’s bright device, while waning much too fast
to herald an approaching night, has passed
its zenith. Cloaking all the world in ice
while waning much too fast. Ra’s bright device
breathes death.

Catastrophe’s chill tongue… Flame dead beneath
its skin; a cancerous and blackened sheath,
is merely sign the fateful bells have rung.
Flame dead beneath catastrophe’s chill tongue,
breathes death

with stellar groan; proclaims an end to light.
As shadows dance through days once clear and bright,
the distant stars observe. What once had shone
proclaims an end to light with stellar groan;
breathes death.

No one replied as mournful prayers were said
imploring pity. Naught was overhead
but Stygian abyss; mouth gaping wide
as mournful prayers were said. No one replied!
Breathes Death,

“Hear now that solar sigh. Entropy’s rest
has stolen time!” No succor from the breast
which gave you life. All sightless stars must eye
entropy’s rest. “Hear now! That solar sigh
breathes death.”

Among the heaven’s height, a tiny branch
means nothing. A galactic avalanche
renews itself within black void each night.
A tiny branch among the heaven’s height
breathes death.

Hot air, wind from the stars, speeds heavenward.
Zeta-Reticuli, no Saint... Bernard
propels itself to meet Sol’s final prayer.
Wind from the stars speeds heavenward. Hot air
breathes death.

Ra’s bright device, like Isis’ faithful hound
emerging from its underworld, was found
to mark the solstice’s warmth. Shining like ice,
like Isis’ faithful hound, Ra’s bright device
breathes death.

Once molten star, Sol turned a sullen gray
and sightless orb toward a place where lay
its children’s frozen ashes. From afar,
Sol turned a sullen gray. Once molten star
breathes death.

Larry D. Jennings

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Larry, your SQ and use of Longfellow's rhyme leave me in awe, Very well Done my friend.

Steve

[Sekhmet]

Hi Larry - your mind is as flexible as ever!
It just goes to prove that, given a list of unlikely words, a good poet can forge them into a passable piece of verse.
But there is an elephant in the room here - and I am going to mention it.
I couldn't understand the poem!
For me, the great problem with writing several versions of Longfellow's dirge, was dealing with, 'St Bernard'. It is devilish hard to work either Him, or the breed of dog seamlessly into a poem
So, I wondered, 'is all this stuff about St Bernard, and his/its Zeta-Reticuli valid?'
I felt it incumbent upon me to research these Zeta-Reticuli thingies, and they appear to be some kind of space entity. Google came up with this description of them.

The Gray Zeta Reticuli - Small
The Gray Zeta Zeta Reticuli just Reticulan near Barnard's Star, a star system near Orion. They are very small (between 1 m and 1.20 m) of silver-gray body and contains no digestive or genital. They are created from a process of genetic cloning of alien design. They are an ancient breed and breed for thousands of years. They have an easy ability to express very limited, have large eyes, a very small feature to their mouths and no nose to speak of. Their eyes are large, black and almond shaped.

Their development has exceeded the process of sexual reproduction and therefore have no sexual organs and digestive system completely atrophied. There are no longer able to eat or engage in sexual activity, and is actually closer to the family of insects.

Facinating stuff; but what has all this got to do with St Bernard and, even more,the poor old Mountain dog?
It appears that you might have confused Saint Bernard, with the Astronomer EE Bernard. This great man appears to have lead a totally blameless and industrious life - but was certainly never beatified. See his potted CV below.
[b]Edward Emerson Barnard
Edward Emerson Barnard
BornDecember 16, 1857(1857-12-16)
Nashville, TennesseeDiedFebruary 6, 1923 (aged 65)
Williams Bay, Wisconsin
NationalityAmerican
Fieldsastronomy
Known forBarnard's Star
astrophotography
Notable awardsBruce Medal 1917

No mention, you see, of Zeta Reticuli; or, indeed Sainthood.
May I suggest that you might change the line,

Zeta-Reticuli of Saint Bernard
propels itself to meet Sol's final prayer.

to read something like:

Zeta-Reticuli, passing by the star of EE Bernard
propel themselves to meet Sol's final prayer.

This is all written in a spirit of teasing fun! (mostly because I am still struggling with my own second version)
Hugs,
Leo

[/b]

[Larry]

Hi Steve & Leo,

Steve, thanks for your kind comments. Glad you liked it.

Leo, I got the Zeta-Reticuli/Bernard's Star comparison without making anything up. According to NightSky.ie, an educational website http://www.nightsky.ie/education/6-closest.../bernards-star/ from which I quote:

Bernard’s Star

Bernard’s Star, also know under the name Zeta-Reticuli, is a binary star system 5.97 light-years from the Sol System. It is the second closest star system to earth, after the triple star system of Proxima Centauri and Alpha Centauri’s A & B. It is actually heading towards us, so at some point in the future it might be the closest. It can be found in the northernmost part of Constellation Ophiuchus, the Serpent Holder. Both stars in the Bernard system are yellow stars and are visible only in the Southern Hemisphere.

Yeah, I know there is nothing saintly about a Red Dwarf star or the person discovering it but let me take some poetic license/liberties. E. E. Bernard could have been named after the Saint of the same name and besides, it was tough enough getting it into SQ format.

Part of your information you shared comes from the UFOlogy theory that the "greys", who abduct humans for expermentation, come from that star system.

The Gray Zeta Zeta Reticuli just Reticulan near Barnard's Star, a star system near Orion. They are very small (between 1 m and 1.20 m) of silver-gray body and contains no digestive or genital. They are created from a process of genetic cloning of alien design. They are an ancient breed and breed for thousands of years. They have an easy ability to express very limited, have large eyes, a very small feature to their mouths and no nose to speak of. Their eyes are large, black and almond shaped. Their development has exceeded the process of sexual reproduction and therefore have no sexual organs and digestive system completely atrophied. There are no longer able to eat or engage in sexual activity, and is actually closer to the family of insects.

This has nothing to do with the source from which I got my inspiration for the poem. Perhaps when viewing my source of information, you might concur with my inference in this respect. Other than that, how was the poem?

Larry

[Sekhmet]

Good Morning Larry.
We seem to have had recourse to the same information, but drew different inferences from the facts.
'How was the poem?' you ask me.
'Breaths Death' is enormously,admirably, clever and dexterous'. I reply.
But - as mentioned in my first reply, I did have a small problem with understanding it.
The fault probably lies with my education which, sixty years ago ended on one's fifteenth birthday if you were a kid from a poor home.
Cosmic Poetry - full of classical and astronomical allusions requires a classical education to be readily understood.
It was necessary for me to rush to Google several times to wrestle, 'Breaths Death' to the ground; and am still not sure that I truly grasped it - it kept escaping me.
It is my contention that a poem should be readily accessible to a reader of moderate intelligence - no special equipment, except maybe a dictionary, required.
I would be interested to hear views from others about this - and am very willing to stand corrected.
Hugs, Leo

[Larry]

Dear Leo,

Come now! I don't know you from "Eve" but your writings on this site have shown me that you have a brilliant mind. Whether you received an education past the age of 15 is moot and, to me, very arguable. Knowledge, as you well know, is garnered through life with experience (which is a lot better teacher than any I had in school). I was raised in two (church oriented) orphanages and as a marital cast-off, had little incentive to achieve. Average grades in school (45 years ago) did not hinder me in the process of attaining knowledge through life's experiences. My love of Science Fiction, Egyptian lore, astronomy (and Lori's fantastic SQ creation) gave me the ability to write "Breathes Death". If you are still having trouble understanding any part of the poem, please ask for clarification and I will be more than happy to explain. I didn't mean for it to be obtuse, honestly!

As far as the line: "Zeta-Reticuli of Saint Bernard"
I've changed it, per your suggestion, because no Star is a Saint (some Saints are indeed Stars though.) Hope the change helps a little.

Larry

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Larry - As a maternal rather than marital, cast-off, I also started life in an orphanage - coincidence or what?
So - I am a post-lapsarian 'Eve', (The lapse being that of my birth mother.)
'The University of Life', although a stern tutor, has obviously served us both well.
Although a huge fan of Science Fiction, I have only a little knowledge of Egyptology, and even less of of Astronomy, - even so, with the help of Google, I grasped, (correctly I hope), an imagined galactic cause of the Haiti earthquake; or maybe even the End of the World?
I like the small change, it gives a lick of humo(u)r to a terrifying poem.
If you will forgive another minute query -

'Naught was overhead
but Stygian abyss;' (Upper case S for Stygian?)

Can an abyss be above one? I don't know.!
Hugs, Leo

[Larry]

Hello Leo,

You are correct about "Stygian" needing to be upper case which I shall correct as soon as this is posted. I believe the root word for Stygian pertains to the river "Styx", across which the ferryman shall carry evil doers on their last excursion on the way to that underworld of their just rewards. It is capitalized in both Websters and World Book so I'll change it due the concensus of overwhelming opinion!

As far as an "abyss" being above, there is nothing deeper than "deep space" and the sky only appears to be "up" due to our extremely limited perspective.

Your second grasp; "The end of the world", was the correct theme. I had written and posted one earlier pertaining to the Haiti disaster in the X10 challenge forum.

How was your poem "Yours - Disgusted...." received in your writing circle? Hope they got a chuckle from it as I did.

Larry

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Larry. The ladies of the poetry group smiled politely. Frivolity is not to be encouraged!
Ours is a very select and serious group, comprising - two retired headmistress, a Fellow of a Cambridge College - and me!
Their verses were all 'worthy' (which, from a Brit, is an insult.) At least mine rhymed!
Of course, this is all sour grapes on my part - they are all much, much brighter than me - and scare me mightily!

Have we reached the last of your Longfellow's Excelsior re-workings? Or are you hatching another, to leap out at us; 'just when we feel it's safe to go back into the water.'?
Hugs, Leo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

I have copied this to a word doc so I can read it in a bit and make some notes. Be back soon! SWEET!!!!!!

~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi Lori & Leo,

Lori, I await your erudite critique with anticipation. Don't cut me up too badly.

Leo, sorry to hear about the prune-ish moue's you received for your efforts. It's too bad that an excellent (and rhyming) piece of wry and witty sarcasm was lost when it banged on the tightly locked and closed minds of your "Writing Circle" of scholarly maids. I would have loved to critique their offerings!

I have been thinking about one more piece for the Longfellow Challenge but have not fleshed it out from its skeletal beginnings as of this writing. I did find and dredge up an old Wordsworth challenge in the same forum using his poem, "Daffodils". Tell me what you think!

Larry

[Arnfinn]

Mate, you work away in the background. Then throw your poem into the ring.


You deserve praise, mate. Your talent shows through in the excellence of the poetry and the easy read.


How long does it take you to write such a poem?




John

[Larry]

Hello John,

Thanks for the praise. I wish it were that easy.

As far as this particular poem, it took nearly 3 days of dilligent research to make sense of the subject matter without it being too mysterious to understand. This is the fourth response to the challenge of using the end rhymes of Longfellow's "Excelsior". The other three took about 10 days to complete so I guess I average about 3 days for each poem. Having the rhymes to begin with makes the writing much easier. I, of course, wanted it to be more difficult so I wrote this one using Lori's SQ creation.

Again, thanks,

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

I'm FINALLY back to offer my critique. Yay! Thanks to Arnie the Finn for reminding me with his IBPC nomination of this one last night!

OK - here it is for you to ponder. Whippee! Love this one and you make me proud managing an SQ hybrid too!

Ra’s bright device, while waning much too fast
to herald an approaching night, has passed
its zenith. Cloaking all the world in ice
while waning much too fast. Ra’s bright device
breathes death.
Love the opening, the imagery and of course, the ancient spin on the setting sun.

Catastrophe’s chill tongue… Fire dead beneath
its skin; a cancerous and blackened sheath,
is merely sign the fateful bells have rung.
Fire, dead beneath catastrophe’s chill tongue,
breathes death
I’ve always had a struggle with the pronunciation of ‘fire’ when used in poetry – so I suggest (and merely my own personal preference) a switch to the word flames, chars, scalds, sears, razes, scalds etc. (you get the idea) here. It’s hard to grasp the idea of a raging fire followed with the word dead. The cells are now dead?

with stellar groan; proclaims the ending light.
As shadows dance through days once clear and bright,
the distant stars observe. What once had shone
proclaims the ending light with stellar groan;
breathes death.
As an alternate, suggest ‘proclaims conclusion’s light’ above.

No one replied as mournful prayers were said
imploring pity. Naught was overhead
but Stygian abyss; mouth gaping wide
as mournful prayers were said. No one replied!
Breathes Death,
I think there’s a tense issue here in L3? I usually think of the term ‘gape’ as a sight thing, not a mouth thing and want to read it as the eyes had gaped wide – so something like: jaws dropped wide but it’s hard to have ‘wide’ at the end of the line to make sense.

“Hear now that solar sigh. Entropy’s rest
has stolen time!” No succor from the breast
which gave you life. All blinded stars will eye *suggest ‘sightless stars’ for alliteration
entropy’s rest. “Hear now! That solar sigh
breathes death.”
Luv this declaration!

Among the heaven’s height, a tiny branch
means nothing. The galactic avalanche
renews itself within the void each night.
A tiny branch among the heaven’s height
breathes death.
There’s a ‘the’ in each line here. Is there a way to rid one or more? Perhaps ‘heavenly heights’?

Hot air, wind from the stars, speeds heavenward.
Zeta-Reticuli, no Saint... Bernard
propels itself to meet Sol’s final prayer.
Wind from the stars speeds heavenward. Hot air
breathes death.

Ra’s bright device, like Isis’ faithful hound
emerging from its underworld, was found
to mark the solstice’s warmth. Shining like ice,
like Isis’ faithful hound, Ra’s bright device
breathes death.
Isis – goddess of fertility. A mouthful here for the meter police to swallow although I like the image very much. Perhaps a swap to ‘a deity’s devoted hound’? I know there’s 2 extra beats with this suggestion but I think you could pull it off. Another metrical bump is with ‘the solstice’s warmth', maybe sub with: ‘to mark solstitial warmth’?

Once molten star, Sol turned a sullen gray
and sightless orb toward a place where lay
its children’s frozen ashes. From afar,
Sol turned a sullen gray. Once molten star
breathes death.

NICE ending – enjoyed this very much! You are the master of the SQ hybrids, Larry!
SWEET!
~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi Lori,

Thanks for finally stopping by and leaving such a complete review of "Breathes Death". These will be answered in turn (some I'll consider, some I shall have to explain I guess)

Also thanks to John for the nomination. I don't think that this is the best one of the four from the Longfellow challenge but is the only one I brought over here for crits. Now to answer your crits and questions.

I’ve always had a struggle with the pronunciation of ‘fire’ when used in poetry – so I suggest (and merely my own personal preference) a switch to the word flames, chars, scalds, sears, razes, scalds etc. (you get the idea) here. It’s hard to grasp the idea of a raging fire followed with the word dead. The cells are now dead?

This stanza - S2 - has to do with the "fire" being dead or dying beneath Sol's cooling/motled surface (cancerous and blackened sheath...). This has nothing to do with human skin/cells. Perhaps I could use "flames" as you suggested because it is the only other word I considered when writing this piece.

In S3, I can't use "conclusion" because the death of a star takes a long time and goes through many stages before the end. Perhaps "proclaims an end to light" instead because the visible spectrum we are able to see is the first to vanish. The light in the infra-red and ultra-violet ends of the spectrum lasts for millennia sometimes.

In S4, I have to correct your assumption that "gaping" refers to the eyes. Perhaps "gape", a verb, could be construed to deal with a stare or an oogle but "gaping" is an adjective in this context. Here is a brief list of synonyms for gaping: wide, wide open, huge, cavernous, yawning, deep, abysmal. The abyss of deep space is all of that and then some.

Like your suggestion in S5. Maybe I'll change it to read:
which gave you life. All sightless stars must eye

In S6, I've found a way around all the "the's". Check out the revision.

In your S8 crit, you do the goddess Isis an immense injustice by merely relegating her to just fertility. She was known by many names for the numerous powers attributed to her and there wasn't, under those various names, anything over which she didn't control. That is just an aside though. The line in question deals with the star, Sirius, in which she (Isis) sometimes resided and other times controlled like a (faithful hound). Sirius' appearance in the sky marked the solstice and the flooding of the Nile which brought food and wealth to Egypt. This line uses the analogy that Sol's (Ra's bright device) position in the sky and the appearance of Sirius both hearalded the summer solstice's arrival. I'm one of the fussiest metermaids you will ever encounter and although the two lines in question in S8 are a mouthful, they are metrically correct.

Someone once told me I didn't have to explain my poems but I want every reader to understand what I'm trying to say; thus the long explanation. Sorry about that.

Larry

[Arnfinn]

Only three days!

Hmm... The dictation throughout and the related rhyme (s) are very impressive.


No problem about the nom. I hope things turn out to your advantage.

I been reading one of our Australian Poets, poems (24 lines). And he impressed me with the easy flow in the reading.

I think the verses went as such a b a b couplet c couplet c

So the poem went.
10
8
10
8
16
18

9
7
9
7
16
18

10
8
9
8
16
17

I couldn't understand why the poem read so well.

The poet is Henry Lawson.
I analysed his poem, Farewell To The Bushmen, and found his secret. He not only used meter and rhyme; he used basic English: grammar.

These are the words he used to start each line.

Some, where, and, and, the, ere, so, to, their, and, God, and, God, and, for, of, and, of, the, but, and, though, I'll, of

He used 11 conjunctions (joining words) line 3 to line 4 (that happens to be a conjunction) line 4 to line 5 etc. So 22 lines were joined in natural flowing English.
Five of the words were prepositions expressing relationship to a noun to form phrases. Again, enhancing the meter.
Two Proper Nouns
Two possessive pronouns
Two definite Articles
One Adjective
One Adverb.
So Lawson used a wonderful concept, nay brilliant.
No wonder the poem reads so well.
No wonder the recitation is smooth.

I hope you don't mind my little babble mate.
I don't know how I got onto this subject.

I probably is in appreciation of the effort you mate to write this piece of poetry.

Regards,


John

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

This is extremely well written and a worthy nomination for IBPC.

I've not yet attempted a swap quantrain - if I did I think I'd only manage 2 stanzas! LOL! - you have written many more.

Well done!

Snow

[Larry]

Hi John & Eisa,

Thank you both for the read and the comments. Eisa, you are proficient enough at R&M to handle an SQ without a lot of effort. You have your first and mirrored last lines so you really only have to get through the middle two. Come on, give it a try. It's really not as hard as it seems.
John, thanks again for the nom for May. I might try looking up Lawson's Farewell to the Bushmen. If you feel it worthy, and by the critique you wrote on it, you must have enjoyed it. I don't mind your "little babble". It just piqued my curiosity that much more.

Larry