 Walls of Fortitude |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Mar 20 10, 07:44
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#1
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 Babylonian  Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy  |
For what purpose
are these walls of fortitude; falling like dust strewn on the wind. Absurdly insignificant when we dwell among flowery fields of delicate dreams and hearts, saturated with eternal love... |
  
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Mar 20 10, 18:31
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#2
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hello Hellfire,
I like the style of this poem and love how it descends in form and ascends in thought. I just feel that adding a word here and breaking the line there would kind of tighten the message. Such as in the beginning line. I don't know why, but I kind of wanted to begin the poem by saying "For what purpose" or " what purpose do these walls of fortitude offer" --- here are my suggestions in bold. Ofourse for you to toss or take. Further into the poem you use the word "absurd" which kind of hangs out alone unless you play with line breaks or punctuation, IMHO. For what purpose are these walls of fortitude; falling like dust strewn on the wind. Absurdly insignificant when we dwell among flowery fields of delicate dreams and hearts, saturated with eternal love... or from the 'absurd" part you could write. Absurd... Insignificant; when we dwell among flowery fields of delicate dreams and hearts saturated with eternal love... I like the imagery in "dwell among flowery fields" I found 'infinite" to be a mild description of the love. I also made suggestions for line breaks. Feel free to use or toss. Lovely read. Dani ·······  ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner     |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Mar 20 10, 21:08
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#3
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James, I liked it up until 'Infinite' I think the word is wrongly used and the cap on it really through me off. I think Dani has some good Ideas in her suggestions, even though I know that there are some that don't like punctuation.
Steve |
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Mar 21 10, 03:17
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#4
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Babylonian Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy |
Thank you Dani and Steve for the valued input and suggestions.
I have made some corrections and the piece seems to read much smoother now. kind regards Hellfire |
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Mar 21 10, 18:25
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#5
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hey James,
It was my pleasure to be of help and I thank you for inspiring me enough with your lovely blend. Till the next one Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Mar 21 10, 21:07
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#6
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James, One of the things we would like you to do when revising a poem is to place the revised poem over the original so that everyone can see the progression you have taken. and make more suggestions or just comment on them. You should be able to just copy and paste or cut and paste to get the original back in the post.
Steve |
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Mar 22 10, 01:23
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#7
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Babylonian Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy |
Thank you Steve
I will do so regards hellfire |
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| Guest_Oludpoet_* |
Mar 31 10, 05:48
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#8
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Friend, I love the imagery of:
when we dwell among flowery fields of delicate dream ...and the preciseness of this short poem like ever you did not fail to deliver. |
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Apr 5 10, 01:19
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#9
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Babylonian Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy |
thank you oludpoet
appreciate your support as always regards hellfire |
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Apr 5 10, 15:37
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#10
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi James
I like this one very much, but would like to be able to see the changes you have made in revision. It would be helpful if you put your original poem below your revison so that members can see how this has been changed. Thanks Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner        |
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