broken crystal Options

[Guest_dflore_*]

I look at her through broken crystal
I can never put back together
she pretends a snowflake
is a map to find me
I whisper to her
through out of tune guitars
and breezes
that make curtains dance
while she sleeps
sometimes I appear in flames
and she thinks its me that's warming her
but I am not the fire
I am only what it burns

[saore]

This is really beautiful dflore:

I whisper to her
through out of tune guitars
and breezes
that make curtains dance

I have read this one a few times and each time I find something new to admire.

Sergio

[Siren]

Hey Daniel,

It seems to me that lack of punctuation is kind of your signature, so I wont delve into any suggestions in that area. Perhaps some line breaks would give effect. some additional wording are in bold. ofcourse they introduce my humble opinion.

I study her through broken crystal
I can never put back together
while she pretends
a snowflake is a map to find me

I whisper to her
through out of tune guitars
as breezes
make curtains dance

sometimes I appear as flames
in her sleep
she believes it's me warming her

but, sadly
I am not the fire
I am only what it burns



I like the opening. I chose "study' to add the element of concentration in the read. "look" just felt too simple. I am curious as to why you chose "snowflake" as the map? is it to imply hat she left no element unturned to find you? she worked hard to get to you? ofcourse it's metaphorical. I enjoyed it.

I deleted a few things and added a few and made some line breaks for dramtic effect.

The metaphor is unique.

Dani

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Daniel, What an interesting way of words. I like it a lot. I think Dani is right you need to use your line breaks just a little bit better if you are not going to use punctuation. I especially thought 'I am not the fire, I am what it burns' to be very profound. Very thought provoking piece, well done.

Steve

[Maggie]

Hi Daniel,

I agree with your other readers: This is very profound in my opinion too. Quite beautifully written!!! I love the ending, so sad and beautiful! I do wish you would agree to use punctuation though. The lack of it seems to mar an otherwise very impressive poem!

Peggy

[Eisa]

Hi Daniel

I love your imagery here and you metaphor is quite unique. I have a few suggestions to offer for consideration - take or toss!

I look at her through broken crystal

'look' is a bit ordinary for your beautiful imagery, perhaps
I gaze at her through broken crystal

I can never put back together

I feel L2 could almost be deleted and would consider if it is really necessary or perhaps trim back to

I gaze at her through broken crystal
- unfixable

she pretends a snowflake
is a map to find me
I whisper to her
through out of tune guitars
and breezes
[that] making curtains dance
while she sleeps
sometimes I appear in flames

The last 2 lines here could be swapped around

Sometimes I appear in flames
while she’s asleep

and she thinks its me that's warming her

how about 'imagines' instead of thinks?

but I am not the fire
I am only what it burns

Perhaps avoid the repetition of 'I am'

and she imagines its me warming her
but I am not the fire
only what it burns

I hope something I have mentioned helps.

Snow