Special Offer, Rhyming - nature/metaphorical Options

[Mistral]

1st Revision

Silkworm threads, robustly spun,
flower petals, bright as sun,
slice of sky, gracious heaven,
all infused, seven times seven.

Dewdrop tears, cleansing lotion
leafy vines, lover’s potion,
butterfly wings, dreams ascend,
one and all, a perfect blend.

Grassy soles, footsteps gentle,
moonlight rays, sentimental,
merry laughter, ocean dimple;
mindsets all, plain and simple.

All of these and many more
suggest those traits we adore.
Soulfulness on special offer;
now on sale from Nature’s coffer.

_________________________________

Original

Silkworm threads, durably spun,
flower petals, bright as sun,
slice of sky, gracious heaven,
all infused, seven times seven.

Dewdrop tears, cleansing lotion
leafy vines, loving’s potion
butterfly wings, dreams ascend
one and all, perfect blend.

Grassy soles, footsteps gentle
moonlight rays, sentimental
merry laughter, ocean dimple;
mindsets all, plain and simple.

All of these plus so much more
suggesting traits that we adore.
Soulfulness on special offer;
now on sale from Nature’s coffer.

[Mary Boren]

Nice job, Misty. You've managed something I don't recall ever seeing -- that is, a poem written in predominantly dimetric amphimacer, a/k/a cretic, feet. Such a rarity, in fact, that I had to go look up the terminology. There are a few spots where it lapses into garden variety trochaic, but for the most part this is quite a metrical coup.

You've got some lovely images here that hint at a potentially unique conceit, but what's to tie them together? I'm not seeing the metaphor you refer to -- it reads more like a list. How about writing out what you want to say in paragraph form, making complete sentences, and see where it leads you?

Again, lots of good sonics going here.

Mary

[AMETHYST]

Hi Misty,

What lovely sounds to create a near lullaby tone of voice - The images are gentle ... soft to the ear and mind. I never heard of the Cretic Meter (dimetric amphimacer) but will have to read up on that as this comes off so lovely to my ear. I agree with Mary that some established connection or link to the flowing images might improve or give the poem a more intense kick- otherwise, it is a lovely read.

Some minor thoughts to share, hope something might be useful! I quite enjoyed this.

Best Wishes, Liz

Silkworm threads, durably spun,
flower petals, bright as sun,
slice of sky, gracious heaven,
all infused, seven times seven.

L4, I like the smooth execution of the end rhymes. The barely are noticable.

Dewdrop tears, cleansing lotion
leafy vines, loving’s potion
butterfly wings, dreams ascend
one and all, perfect blend.

L2, perhaps 'lover's potion
L4, "one and all, a perfect blend." (Missing a beat)

Grassy soles, footsteps gentle
moonlight rays, sentimental
merry laughter, ocean dimple;
mindsets all, plain and simple.

:) I really love the sounds of this stanza. The feel and blends of sonics through out, partnering and bouncing off each other. -

All of these plus so much more
suggesting traits that we adore.
Soulfulness on special offer;
now on sale from Nature’s coffer.

L1, perhpas all of these and many more
suggest those traits we adore.


LOVE THAT FINAL LINE! :)

I enjoyed this misty - thank you...

[Merlin]

Good show, Misty,
especially for rhyming dimple-simple - I can't say I've ever done that one!

Best

Merlin

[Eisa]

Hi Mistral

I haven't been around for a while and so I must say how nice it is to meet you and read your work.I love the images you have created here.

Just a few suggestions -- take or toss!

Silkworm threads, durably spun,
flower petals, bright as sun,
slice of sky, gracious heaven,
all infused, seven times seven.

Perhaps it's my UK accent but I stumble a little on 'durably' in the 1st line. Perhaps 'robustly'?

Dewdrop tears, cleansing lotion
leafy vines, loving’s potion
butterfly wings, dreams ascend
one and all, perfect blend.

L2 -- lover's potion?
L4 -- 'one and all a perfect blend'

Grassy soles, footsteps gentle
moonlight rays, sentimental
merry laughter, ocean dimple;
mindsets all, plain and simple.

All of these plus so much more
suggesting traits that we adore.
Soulfulness on special offer;
now on sale from Nature’s coffer.

Wonderful end

Snow

[Mistral]

Hi Mary,
Thank you so much for the lovely comment….but I must admit half the stuff you talk about is Greek to me! *grin*
I think what I want to say with the poem is that there’s so much in nature that reminds me of human nature as well. Silkworm threads = strength. Flower petals = bright, positive attitudes. Sky = freedom, etc, etc. I hoped it might make sense?
Anyway, I’m glad you liked it regardless.

Hi Liz,
Thank you so much for liking this and your suggestions which I’ve adopted. Hope it’s to your satisfaction?

Hi Merlin,
Thanks for dropping by and for the compliment. *big grin*

Hi Eisa,
Lovely meeting you and thank you for the suggestion (same as Liz’s) which I’ve adopted.
So glad you enjoyed!

Hugs All,
M