MIDSUMMER NIGHT, Inspired by 10 x challenge 1st July Options

[Cybele]

Hello all,

I couldn't use all the words for this challenge, but it did inspire this piece which could do with some help I feel! Bit of a problem especially, with the last stanza methinks!

FIRST REVISION

Mischievous Puck,
adorned with floral jewellery,
entices Oberon’s fairies
with a heady cup of foolery


Midsummer night;
when wine and raucous song hold sway.
Tipsy pixies take to flight
carousing, through the Milky Way.

Chasing planets
they ride a ghost-pale, sickle moon,
then dance and frolic, on the stars
till, giddy, one by one they swoon.





MIDSUMMER NIGHT


Mischievous Puck,
adorned with floral jewellery,
entices Oberon’s fairies
with a heady cup of foolery


Midsummer night
when wine and raucous song hold sway.
Tipsy pixies take to flight
carousing round the Milky Way.


They circle Planets
on the Celestial Equator.
Then dance and frolic all night long
in an extinct lunar crater.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Grace

what a wonderful vision - I love the picture of your "tipsy pixies" (fab phrase!) as they party it up, up, up and boldly carouse where no pixie has caroused before.

MIDSUMMER NIGHT

Mischievous Puck,
adorned with floral jewellery,
entices Oberon’s fairies
with a heady cup of foolery

Midsummer night
when wine and raucous song hold sway.
Tipsy pixies take to flight
carousing round the Milky Way.

They circle Planets --- maybe lose THEY ?
on the Celestial Equator. --- orbit celestial equator ?
Then dance and frolic all night long --- dance and frolic through night's darkness ?
in an extinct lunar crater.

Fran

[Cybele]

Hi Fran,

what a wonderful vision - I love the picture of your "tipsy pixies" (fab phrase!) as they party it up, up, up and boldly carouse where no pixie has caroused before.

MIDSUMMER NIGHT



They circle Planets --- maybe lose THEY ?

Of course right syllable count then Fran, thank you.

on the Celestial Equator. --- orbit celestial equator ?

almost right Fran, I'll dwell on that one.

Then dance and frolic all night long --- dance and frolic through night's darkness ?

What I have to bear in mind Fran, is that Midsummer Day had the SHORTEST night, so perhaps I should reflect that somehow.

Great input Fran. Any more thoughts gratefully received!

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Cybele

This is a lovely whimsical piece. Your light rhythym and imagery is very apt to the topic.

I have a couple of suggestions:

Perhaps 'carousing through the Milky Way'

Picking up on your reference to the shortest night here is an alternative idea for your third stanza:
Chasing Planets
round Celestial Equator's ring,
their dance and frolics sap the Night
and oversoon her end they bring.

I hope these suggestions give you something to work on but feel free to use them or not as suits.

Thanks fo sharing.

MaXiM

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

Ooh you paint a wonderful picture of Midsummer Night's frolic. I too love the tipsy pixies.

Mischievous Puck,
adorned with floral jewellery,
entices Oberon’s fairies
with a heady cup of foolery


Midsummer night
when wine and raucous song hold sway.
Tipsy pixies take to flight ...I keep wanting to say "take flight"
carousing round the Milky Way.


They circle {P}[[p]lanets
on the Celestial Equator. ...how about "round the Celestial Equator"
Then dance and frolic all night long ...dancing through the night
in an extinct lunar crater.

thus:

They circle planets
round the Celestial Equator
dancing through the night
in an extinct lunar crater.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hi Nina,

Ooh you paint a wonderful picture of Midsummer Night's frolic. I too love the tipsy pixies.

Thank you Nina.

Mischievous Puck,
adorned with floral jewellery,
entices Oberon’s fairies
with a heady cup of foolery


Midsummer night
when wine and raucous song hold sway.
Tipsy pixies take to flight ...I keep wanting to say "take flight"
carousing round the Milky Way.

Hmm. I considered that Nina, but I was trying to convey that the process of flying is not so easily undertaken in a drunken stupor! The picture I had in mind was of gannet's ungainly take-off.

They circle {P}[[p]lanets
on the Celestial Equator. ...how about "round the Celestial Equator"
Then dance and frolic all night long ...dancing through the night
in an extinct lunar crater.

Though I love the phrase 'celestial equator', I think I will have to keep it for another time since it too, like the fairies' take-off, is a little ungainly here, Nina. I have revised the last verse, but still need a little help and guidance with it.

Chasing planets
they ride a ghost-pale, sickle moon,
then dance and frolic on the stars
till,giddy, one by one they swoon.


Any further ideas for the last verse much appreciated

[Cybele]

Hi Maxim,

This is a lovely whimsical piece. Your light rhythym and imagery is very apt to the topic.

Thank you Maxim

I have a couple of suggestions:

Perhaps 'carousing through the Milky Way'

Excellent and more accurate, thank you.

Picking up on your reference to the shortest night here is an alternative idea for your third stanza:
Chasing Planets
round Celestial Equator's ring,
their dance and frolics sap the Night
and oversoon her end they bring.

I hope these suggestions give you something to work on but feel free to use them or not as suits.

I really appreciate this input Maxim, but you will see that in my reply to Nina, I have revised the last stanza, because 'celestial equator' while a beautiful image, is too awkward for a light piece. If, after you have read it you have and more suggestions, I will be delighted to consider them. So often, others can see what is missed by the author.

Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for your support and for reading.

[Cybele]

Anyone like to comment on the revision of this piece before I put it to bed, please?

[Arnfinn]

Y
Yeah, I'd like to say sumthin about ya Shakespearian spoof forsooth

Hello all,

I couldn't use all the words for this challenge, but it did inspire this piece which could do with some help I feel! Bit of a problem especially, with the last stanza methinks!

FIRST REVISION

Mischievous Puck,
adorned with floral jewellery,<<< suits the very strange Puck characteristics
entices Oberon’s fairies
with a heady cup of foolery<<< Jewellery n' foolery real funky rhyme Grace, real bonza, I believe you've shown a spot of brilliance


Midsummer night;
when wine and raucous song hold sway.
Tipsy pixies take to flight
carousing, through the Milky Way.<<< Very neat descption of the Berry Bowlo on Saturday nigh. That aside, what wonderful stanza, a hot night, a bucketful of booze, then away with the pixies for a stagger through the stars (rats in the skylight)<<< cryptic

Chasing planets
they ride a ghost-pale, sickle moon,<<< brilliant again dear woman. Simply love the imagery.
then dance and frolic, on the stars
till, giddy, one by one they swoon.<<< Is that all? Must be another verse or sumthin.
MIDSUMMER NIGHT


Terrific Poem Grace. I had a great time reading this fantasia



John

Mischievous Puck,
adorned with floral jewellery,
entices Oberon’s fairies
with a heady cup of foolery


Midsummer night
when wine and raucous song hold sway.
Tipsy pixies take to flight
carousing round the Milky Way.
They circle Planets
on the Celestial Equator.
Then dance and frolic all night long
in an extinct lunar crater.

[Cybele]

G'day Arn,

Great ta see ya here mate. Every time you come on line I can relax a little knowing me oz mucker is feeling - well not too crook!

Very neat description of the Berry Bowlo on Saturday night.

Ah John! It's a universal description 'ennit? Hic Hic!!

they ride a ghost-pale, sickle moon

Yeah Arn, I've often looked up into the night sky an' thought it would be great to ride on a sickle moon ya know.

I'd like to thank ya fer perusin' me pome Arn. Much appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed it an' keep on writin' and posting so I don't have ta worry about ya too much!

YVGFAPC

[Psyche]

Dear Grace !

This has such a magical flavour! Playful, jolly, simply brilliant. I really can't say which stanza I prefer, they're all so enchanting. I guess you really surpass yourself in the last two, Grace.

Ol' Will must be rattling his bones with envy, I bet if he was still around he'd pinch your lines and stick them in his Midsummer play....

Your idea of riding a sickle moon is so fanciful, I adore it! It's almost as good as my dream of travelling on a magic carpet... Maybe we can meet somewhere along the way, will you allow me to park my carpet on your moon?

Wonderful, Grace, no nits at all, ahhh, yes, I believe you forgot a fullstop at end of first stanza.... haha...

Hugs,
Sylvia

[Cybele]

Hi Sylvia,

Before I reply to your lovely critique, perhaps you would like to note that I have extended this piece and re-posted it as MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.

Perhaps you would be kind enough to let me know whether the extended verses 'finish it off' properly?

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Grace.

What a fantastic journey I just took!

I loved this poem and will be back again for more soon!

[+] {-}

Mischievous Puck,
adorned with floral jewellery{,}
entices Oberon’s fairies
with a heady cup of foolery[.]
Very fantastical imagery Grace!

Midsummer night;
when wine and raucous song hold sway.
Tipsy pixies take to flight
carousing, through the Milky Way. (not certain you need that comma, unless yo u are going for an extra pause there?)
This is a tipsy pixies life for me!

Chasing planets
they ride a ghost-pale, sickle moon{,}[;]
then dance and frolic{,} on the stars
till, giddy, one by one they swoon.
Can I join in?

A lovely flight of fancy Grace!
Enjoyed!
~ Cleo

[Cybele]

Hi Lori,

Please see extended version of this posted under (MIDSUMMER NIGH'S DREAM Extended version.)

I don't know how to amalgamate them now so it is causing some confusion! Trust me!

I am very pleased you enjoyed it, but as Arnie so rightly said there should be more - and now there is!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

Please see extended version of this posted under (MIDSUMMER NIGH'S DREAM Extended version.)

I don't know how to amalgamate them now so it is causing some confusion! Trust me!

I am very pleased you enjoyed it, but as Arnie so rightly said there should be more - and now there is!

Hi Grace.

Here is a link to the extended version:
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=8361

If you agree, I think we should leave the two poems as separate threads. We could do a merge of the two, but I think it might make the critting comments more confusing to the readers.

I'll head on over to the extended version now...

Cheers
~Cleo