Waiting for a Sound Options

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Waiting for a Sound

Lie there on the couch waiting,
pace the living room floor,
have a cup of coffee
still waiting.

At my PC, listen for it,
gaze at the screen, a telltale sign?
To hear the sound,
of your response.

The phone, not a ring
doorbell, no ping
email, nada ding
cell, not vibrating
IM PM, nary a ting-a-ling
snail mail, nothing.

In this age of instant
 worldwide communications.

Where have you gone ?

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Larry

I the first two verses you convey very well the sense of agitation, anticipation and frustration waiting for a response.  Unable to settle down to anything because you are desperate for a communication.

I am curious as to why you went for rhyme in the third verse.  I find it a little distracting and it slightly dilutes the message.

In this age of instant
worldwide communications
I wonder if it should be communication

An interesting read
Thanks

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Larry,

I’ve suggested quite a few punctuation changes and a few for pace / pathos etc.

As always, your choices.

Nina and I seem to agree on a great deal in poetry but I think I shall descent from her view of the rhyming part in this. I actually quite like it because I can hear all those devices tingling, beeping etc and I think the effect piles on the agony which the narrator is suffering. Still, again, your choice, of course.

All the best, J.

Suggestions: {omit} [add] (comments)

Waiting for a Sound (weak title)

(What about "communications blackout" or just "waiting" or "Silence" etc)

Lie {there} on the couch waiting{,}[;]
pace {the} living room floor{,}[;]
have a {cup of} coffee[...]
still waiting.

(I think this also gives a shortening line length verse which draws us in better)

At my PC, listen {for it,}[...]
gaze at the screen{,}[-] {a} telltale sign?
[XX] To hear the sound{,} (xx = desperate or yearning or...)
of your response.

{The} [‘]phone{,}[:] not a ring
doorbell{,}[:] no ping
email{,}[:] nada ding
cell{,}[:] not vibrating
IM[,] PM{,}[:] {nary a}[no] ting-a-ling
snail mail{,} nothing.

In this age of instant (split verse for pathos)
worldwide communications.[..]

Where have you gone ? (weak ending - make punchier)

Thus:

Lie on the couch waiting;
pace living room floor;
have a coffee...
still waiting.

At my PC, listen...
gaze at the screen - telltale sign?
Desperate to hear the sound
of your response.

‘Phone: not a ring
doorbell: no ping
email: nada ding
cell: not vibrating
IM, PM: no ting-a-ling
snail mail: nothing.

In this age:
instant
worldwide
communications...

Where are you?

[ArtesiaMeeks]

First, I enjoyed this poem very much....I think it is quite cute.


Waiting for a Sound......(perhaps "Sounds Missing")

Lie there on the couch waiting, (omit there)
pace the living room floor,
have a cup of coffee
still waiting.

At my PC, listen for it,
gaze at the screen, a telltale sign?
To hear the sound,
of your response.

The phone, not a ring
doorbell, no ping
email, nada ding
cell, not vibrating
IM PM, nary a ting-a-ling
snail mail, nothing.

In this age of instant
worldwide communications.  (omit the "s")

Where have you gone ?...perhaps (your sounds say you are gone)

I liked the rhyme scheme you have, and as I said before, I think this is a cute poem.

Artesia Meeks

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Larry,

This captures so well the frustration, the misery of not being contacted when we expect - or want - to be. When someone goes AWOL from our lives and we are desperate for their contact.

Thanks for the read,

Fran

[Siren]

Hey Larry,

It's been so long dear one. There is emotion in this one, yet it still has the Larry mark.

hugs
Dani

[Cybele]

Hi Larry,

The feeling of nervous tension comes across very well in your poem, with a couple of reservations.

Lie there on the couch waiting,
pace the living room floor,
have a cup of coffee
still waiting.

L2/3/4 Convey the edginess of the wait but I think L1 is too laid back just a little too relaxed. I know you are building up the tension, but I think you should start off with something a little edgier.
How about

Watch the clock. drum fingers,


At my PC, listen for it,
gaze at the screen, a telltale sign?
To hear the sound,
of your response.

L3 Is a little confusing I feel. It just doesn't follow the first two lines. Perhaps a little transposing of your words would cure the confusion here Larry

At my PC, gaze at the screen
Listen for a sound,
a tell-tale sign
of your response.

The phone, not a ring
doorbell, no ping
email, nada ding
cell, not vibrating
IM PM, nary a ting-a-ling
snail mail, nothing.

I like the introduction of the rhyme here Larry, it seems to increase the pace and tension very well. Because you were sat at your PC in the previous stanza, perhaps you could carry through by putting L3 first?

In this age of instant
worldwide communications.

Where have you gone ?

I think this would need to sound a little more desperate Larry.

Perhaps

In an age of instant
global communication

Where in the world are you?

I would also like to offer a change in the title to just WAITING, since you mention all the sounds in the poem. This seems like a lot of nits but is really only a couple of minor adjustments for you to consider Larry.

Very interesting my friend, and haven't we all been there? Why does the most important call or message take forever to arrive?  Enjoyed the read, thank you Larry.

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Nina, Jox, Carol, Fran, Dani, Grace,


Of course this is really not about me. I was trying to place
a person in that position and see what would happen.

Some of your takes on it and suggestions have been very welcome
and I will try to give it a little more oomph.

Thanks

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

You have captured emotions well here and I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Glad your block has gone -- it's good to read you.

Snow

[Psyche]

Nina, Jox, Carol, Fran, Dani, Grace,


Of course this is really not about me. I was trying to place
a person in that position and see what would happen.

Some of your takes on it and suggestions have been very welcome
and I will try to give it a little more oomph.

Thanks

Larry

Hi Larry !!    :sun:

You've already received so many suggestions that i'll not add any more. I'll just hang around to see how the "more oomph" part goes...  :speechless:  Shock

Gives me goose-pimples just as it is, so go slow on the changes...  :oops:

I guess most of us have been thru' a spell like the one u describe, mooning around waiting for the love of our life... who doesn't turn up...  :p  :(

Glad it's not you !!!   :pharoah2

Now i'll go see if there's anything in the snail-mail, i've already checked all the others... ha...ha....  :oops:

Hugs,
Sylvia  :butterfly:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Tee hee! Well stated Larry!  :jester:

Sometimes I think with all this technology, we've lost something...

A few little nits for ya to T or T...

Enjoyed!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

{I} Lie there on the couch waiting,
pace the living room floor,
have a cup of coffee{...}
still waiting.

At my PC, listen for it,
gaze at the screen, a telltale sign?
To hear the sound,
of your response.

The phone, not a ring
doorbell, no ping
email, nada ding
cell, not vibrating
IM PM, nary a ting-a-ling
snail mail, nothing.

In this age of instant
worldwide communications{,}

where have you gone ?