A Tent for Two on the Beach, Ballad Meter Options

[jgdittier]

Her eyes are blue to match the lake
Or more the sparkling sky.
Her skin the shade of angel cake,
Or more, the short'ning "Spry".

She clings to me to douse her fear,
No tent has been her dorm.
The gentle waves that kiss the pier
Have failed to quell her storm.

My bag's for two, this times' our first!
As campfire's coals grow cool,
Now Venus glows with blessing's burst
And shelter halves now dual.

We stand and gaze, the time, it nears,
On Lake Okanagan.*
I pray, I pray, we'll mesh our gears,
Ogopogo, I'll ban!**

* Our Merlin knows each drop.
**Ogopogo is their "Nessi"
(If Merlin advises that Nessi is pronounced OgoPOgo, our suitor may move to Loch Ness)

[Merlin]

Tis terrific, Ron!

Here are a couple of links to my home, which you've kindly mentioned.

Lake Okanagan, and its resident

Ogopogo. Googling either will bring a wallop of sites, many having great photos. Here, click onto the photos in the first, down at the bottom.

Unfortunate for the rhyme, Ogopogo is actually pronounced Ogo pogo. Nessi is said to be related to Ogopogo - they swim thru subterranean tunnels to be together.

Now to your verse, I do note sufficient use of "the", and a single "of". My biggest thing is using a bag built for 2 >> I always used a single bag when sleeping double! Less need for groping that way.

Great post.

Merlin

[Mary Boren]

Hi Ron,

Nice scene-setting. Angel cake is pretty pale, but I guess in the moonlight it wouldn't look too bad on a woman. I don't know Spry -- is that a brand of shortening? It seems here only for the rhyme. I take it dual is used as a verb? I wouldn't miss the last verse it if it fell in the lake.

Mary

[jgdittier]

Dear Mary.
I had to write this for Merlin. I believe Beezlebub was involved.
A dual pair of shelter-halves make a two-man tent.
Spry is like Crisco or lard.
Merlin says it's OgoPOgo and so there's no need for further reading or comment on this command performance. I just hope the lake is pronounced ok AN a GON, not o KAN a GON nor OK a NAG an nor O kan A gon.
The way of the humorist verser has seemed to have evaporated since the dog pound and so I suggest that this piece does not deserve nor do I request critique for improvement. How often I am reminded of THE POUND, a blessing available when I started and without which I'd not be writing today.

[Merlin]

If the Pound were around...

The valley is the Okanagan, stretching down into Washington state where they call it the Okanogan. Same thing, only different. It's an Indian name, so the spelling could be either, since the Anglicized version is only based on their word.

That pronunciation goes to "oaken noggin."

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron,

This is a fun one! Although I think Merlin's pronunciations may mess with your meter in the last verse?? *smiles* Comparing her skin to shortening... now that's pale!!! LOL

I enjoyed reading Ron!

Cathy

[Mary Boren]

Yes, it would be nice to have a recreational area here, Ron. But don't sell yourself short -- even light verse is worthy of polish.

-M.

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
Yes, Spry is rather white. In truth, such a lady might look more like a ghost than a desirable tent-mate.
I considered lard and then snow and milk as from "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" and sand as on the beach
where the tent's set, but in hindsight should have provided both. The sand for the bathing-suit tan and white for the rest of her.
I write more for humor than for beauty and expected the names wouldn't fit the metre but I felt
I had to post it.
Although fate failed to favor me, it's firmly friviolity!
At least we all know now it's OgoPOgo and Oak en NOG gan.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[jgdittier]

Dear Mary,
Of all those who ever did or do run a poetry forum there was just one to my knowledge who made room for the humorist verser.
Rarely in this world have I seen such unity in views and acceptance of all doctrine.
These universalities involve:
Adherence to modern techniques
Commitment to share self-written poetry for improvement
Disinterest in our poetic heritage
Adoption of the tabooing of previously acceptable ploys

You can see, I'm sure, why I so appreciated The Pound.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Guest_Kathy_*]

You don't want crit, Ron? OK.

I enjoyed your poem, which was skilful, especially in parts. (Howzat for ambiguity?!) When writing humour, I favour short lines here and there, for the surprise element.

Humour puzzled me in this one, but so does Shakespeare's sonnet, ' My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun.'

Write on, and as Mary says, don't be so *^E hard on yourself. ( Deleted explesives mine. )

[Mary Boren]

Of all those who ever did or do run a poetry forum there was just one to my knowledge who made room for the humorist verser.

Have you considered starting your own, Ron? Or maybe you could help Shelby get his going, here. Your stated universalities take a slant that I might have challenged in another lifetime, but I'd rather focus on our samenesses than differences. Thanks for the words of appreciation -- you were our head cheerleader, and I'll always hold you in high regard for that.

Mary

[jgdittier]

Dear Mary,
Your suggestion to contact Shelby sounds good to me and I'll get to him by e-mail.
As to running a site myself, I still lose several comments a day as they tend to abort such that I must rewrite them. In effect, I know about as little as is possible about computers. I fear that may be Shelby's problem too but it's worth a try.
I fear too that there just aren't many Ogden Nashes out there and so to have a humor-exclusive site would get no peekers. Even so, it's worth the try.
Maybe I'll resort to Oedilf!
No matter, I'm hooked and that's that and I'll keep lookin'.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
I pretty well figured Okanagan and Ogopogo were meter killers. To do anything there requires for me a total rewrite.
I think I might rather bring on a face-off between Ogopogo and Earthworm Earl.
I've been thinking too of a ditty heavy on thxxxs and assigning the lispiness to Ogopogo.
I wonder if there's room in this world for "The Perverse Poet" who specializes in breaking
modern rules, a reincarnation of McGonagall!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Merlin]

Dear Ron,

There are so many contenders for McG's title (Worst Poet) that I don't believe you stand a chance of getting close. Sorry, but my vote would be cast elsewhere dozens of times before you!

You're allowed to break the rules once you know how they work. Carry on, Perverse Poet!

Merlin

[jgdittier]

Her eyes are blue to match the lake
Or more the sparkling sky.
Her skin the shade of angel cake,
Or more, the short'ning "Spry".

She clings to me to douse her fear,
No tent has been her dorm.
The gentle waves that kiss the pier
Have failed to quell her storm.

My bag's for two, this times' our first!
As campfire's coals grow cool,
Now Venus glows with blessing's burst
And shelter halves now dual.

We stand and gaze, the time, it nears,
On Lake Okanagan.*
I pray, I pray, we'll mesh our gears,
Ogopogo, I'll ban!**

* Our Merlin knows each drop.
**Ogopogo is their "Nessi"
(If Merlin advises that Nessi is pronounced OgoPOgo, our suitor may move to Loch Ness)

Revision using Jude's Law

line 14- 'Neath Okanagan's peak
line 16- and Ogopogo's meek.