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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ untitled
Posted by: anaisa May 21 10, 11:52
I've come to reminisce, retracing all
your steps beneath the symmetry of pines
and palms that colonnade near Angwin Hall.
The old rectangle chapel face aligns
its sacramental windows with the hills,
where sixty-years ago, inside those white
washed plaster walls your faith was found. Shade spills
like balm against the beveled glass. This fight,
to capture every yesteryear you've owned,
leaves me undone. The dormitory stairs
of walnut, tap an ageless chant— intoned
with all your giddy dreams and girlish prayers.
The thought of you remains an oblique ray
of fleshless gold, that burns my hours away.
Posted by: Larry May 21 10, 15:09
Hi Karen,
Is this a retrospective look at your own experiences at La Sierra or maybe a daughter's time there, (or even an exercise in anthropomorphizing the campus itself?) I can't tell from the reading, which I enjoyed. Nice sonnet. One small nit though; short one foot in L7. May I suggest adding "cools and" before "spills"; i.e. washed walls your faith was found. Shade cools and spills
Everything else is IP and I just assume you want it all that way.
Title suggestions: Visiting Yesterday - Reflections - Silent Echos
Remember, take or toss as you will.
Larry
Posted by: anaisa May 21 10, 15:29
Hi Larry-
dang! I swear I checked those lines, lol.
Thanks for helping, not too hard to fix this :-)
K
Posted by: anaisa May 21 10, 15:48
there- I think it's ok now.
Posted by: Eisa May 25 10, 15:42
It's becoming a real pleasure to read you work, Karen. I really enjoyed this one.
I like the change you have made to L7 too.
Snow 
Posted by: anaisa May 25 10, 17:39
Hi Eisa,
Thanks! That's nice of you :-)
Posted by: merle May 28 10, 00:36
Hi Karen -
No nits, no crits. This is really quite beautiful and I'm feeling a bit wistful. I'll try to come up with a few suggestions for the title.
Posted by: anaisa May 28 10, 23:07
Hi Merle~
Thanks, I appreciate you reading it ;-)
No nits, no crits. This is really quite beautiful and I'm feeling a bit wistful. I'll try to come up with a few suggestions for the title.
Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 20 10, 02:06
Hi Karen,
Came across this and the read is lovely. It deserves a title. I am not sure if the place specific is the one that Larry mentions, La Sierra is one and the same in your Sonnet. You hadn't mentioned it in your reply, but if so, I think that would make an awesome title as it would serve as a pivoting power point.
Take or toss ...
Best Regards, Liz
PS I would a thumbs up for the suggestion that Larry left for L7.
Posted by: bombadil1247 Sep 20 10, 15:29
Hi, Karen,
lovely sonnet,well controlled. There are a couple of places where I need a little help.
washed plaster walls your faith was found. Shade spills
The 'white washed plaster' image applied to faith invokes the 'white-washed sepulchres' of the gospels, a very negative description which I doubt you intended. If you did, of course, it is very effective; if this was not your intention, could I suggest replacing 'faith was' with 'faults were' to keep the alliteration and stay in the general area invoked.
leaves me undone. The dormitory stairs
In these lines it's the switch from 'you've' to 'me' that threw me a little. Are you addressing the building or the young girl you were when you attended? Or perhaps a bit of both? Not sure, the later lines on dreams and prayers don't really help me with that understanding, but perhaps that's not too important; the language use is beautiful and more than compensates for a little confusion.
Jim
Posted by: anaisa Sep 22 10, 09:27
Hi Liz,
Sorry I took so long to come back here- I think I missed your comments.
Just saw Jim's! Thank you so much :-)
Came across this and the read is lovely. It deserves a title. I am not sure if the place specific is the one that Larry mentions, La Sierra is one and the same in your Sonnet. You hadn't mentioned it in your reply, but if so, I think that would make an awesome title as it would serve as a pivoting power point.
Take or toss ...
Best Regards, Liz
PS I would a thumbs up for the suggestion that Larry left for L7.
Posted by: anaisa Sep 22 10, 09:31
Hi Jim,
Thanks for going throught this, I appreciate the help.
The line about capturing every yesterday was address to my mother,
I went back to walk her school campus and it brought back memories
of her youth. It could seem a bit confusing but I'm not sure if I can
do much to clear it up at this point. Good to see you around!
K
lovely sonnet,well controlled. There are a couple of places where I need a little help.
washed plaster walls your faith was found. Shade spills
The 'white washed plaster' image applied to faith invokes the 'white-washed sepulchres' of the gospels, a very negative description which I doubt you intended. If you did, of course, it is very effective; if this was not your intention, could I suggest replacing 'faith was' with 'faults were' to keep the alliteration and stay in the general area invoked.
leaves me undone. The dormitory stairs
In these lines it's the switch from 'you've' to 'me' that threw me a little. Are you addressing the building or the young girl you were when you attended? Or perhaps a bit of both? Not sure, the later lines on dreams and prayers don't really help me with that understanding, but perhaps that's not too important; the language use is beautiful and more than compensates for a little confusion.
Jim
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