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> Critiquer of the Month for February Nominations, through March 10th
Cleo_Serapis
post Feb 24 07, 13:42
Post #1


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From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



vic.gif Calling all writers of the Mosaic! Viking.gif

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in FEBRUARY. writersblock.gif

sings.gif hsdance.gif MusicBand.gif dance.gif claps.gif

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


The details:
  • Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of FEBRUARY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in February as well. detective.gif
  • Post the two examples in this thread.
  • Post only the CRITIQUES.
  • Make sure your example critiques are from the month of FEBRUARY.
  • State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
  • Eligible forums:
    Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
    Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations
Nominations will be taken through March 10th, 2007.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.


Good luck all! king.gif cheer.gif
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic! lovie.gif dance.gif

~ Mosaic Musings Staff knight.gif Pharoah.gif cali.gif troy.gif vic.gif Viking.gif tut.gif knight.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Cathy_*
post Mar 3 07, 12:06
Post #2





Guest






I would like to nominate azurepoetry for February.

Example #1

Peterpan's 'With Windmills and Tumble Weeds (Seren's)


Hello PPan,

A pleasure to be reading your work again. i have not combed over your thread, so if i am redundant, then i apologise. Before i forget, could you give me a pronunciation of the word "mielies", so i can get a complete sense of rhythm of the opening lines?
Oh, i absolutely love the photo; the entire composition was stuning: dark clouds, just off-center windmill, curving road to the left (alluding to the past, imo)---partially framed by the car window.

i love where you take me with this poem and to be quite honest, i feel this poem needs is a little paring, and conversely a little less minimialsim, to move the poem along to the daydream's conclusion. A tone closer to conversation would add to the subject of reverie, imho, as a person recalling it to another...like this poem. :)



With Windmills & Tumble Weeds

Hypnotised by rows of mielies
which draw us to remote places ---don't tell me it's remote, just trust the images to show me.
forcing our minds to glide over sunflower heads, ---(comma)
while not a farmer is seen near bush covered hillocks.

An abandoned tractor, the only greenery, ---a sent. frag. here; so consider a comma
tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to the broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires -- hint of man -- ---the semi-colon creates a sent. frag. of the rest that follows it.
linking the isolated, with distant places.

City opulence forsaken -
Smog vaporises revealing a black bejewelled far-off sky.---Unless i misunderstand this line, the sky is usually considered far-off. Try these lines as one line. Let it sit by itself, heavy and important; to illustrate as a counterpoint what is being left behind and what the N comes to in the very next stanza.

Elements relied uponHere, the wind turns wheels, ---let "relied upon" be inferred for a stronger image.
blades pump underground streams,
life is less augmented; colours coalesce and erupt. ---this line is confusing to me. What do you mean by "augmented" it almost feels as if life is less augmented by the simpler designs of this place, compared to the city. Perhaps simplier would be simpler? /b]

Too swiftly, our tumbleweed is snared, ---again, semi-colon turns the rest of the sentence into a frag.
compelling us to return
homejourney
back to our hurried urban days. ---this may be just a matter of taste, but, again, let the inference be in the reader's mind, don't tell them, esp. at the end. Return home offers a duality in the ending. 1. the N( narrator) is returning back to the city at the end of this daydream, and 2. the N occasionally returns to it, when in waking life, her 'tumble weed' is stuck, she'll take a moment to remember this place. Just a thought.

So, below are my suggestions put into action:



Hypnotised by rows of mielies,
our minds glide over sunflower heads,
while not a farmer is seen near bush covered hillocks.

An abandoned tractor, the only greenery,
tumble weeds bring a scarlet flush
to the broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires -- a hint of man --
link the isolated with the distant.

Smog vaporises revealing a black bejewelled sky.

Here, the wind turns wheels,
blades pump underground streams,
life is less augmented; colours coalesce and erupt.

Too swiftly, though, our tumble weed is snared,
compelling us to return home.

i hope this has been of help; i know that some of my thoughts may not match your style, but see what you think.
Either way, i like the poem and love the message. Good luck!

~tim/azurepoetry





Example #2

Rayn's 'A birthday at home' (Seren's)


Hi Rayn,

In the interest of unadulterating my opinion (and sheer laziness), i have not read most of the other posts and replies. So i apology for any redundancy. i read this poem and saw a pleasant return to the love lost issue. Parts of it actually remind me of a friend of mine who used to do crazy stuff just to get a reaction out of his friends, never mind what he'd attempt for women.

As the lone dissenter, i do see the stanza breaks differently, i also missed the connection of the title and its possible usage within the piece. So with without further ado...i present to you my own interp on your poem...ta-ta-da-da-dada-dum!!!



You ask me, so casually,
what I plan for dinner tonight
as my heart leaps scurries ---i love 'manic furor' combined with reverie and "unfounded" hope by the N (i don't like leap in conjunction with heart)
in manic furor.

For one delicious moment you are here
like years ago...

when I opened my door to find you
three hundred miles from home,
grinning like the Hatter on my porch
for the sheer joy of seeing my face; ---semi-colon
when I discovered you so impossibly,
unexpectedly within reach. ---this stanza is one sentence frag. plus i think straightforward linkage and breaks would help, imo.

Those roses still hang on my wall,
a secret portrait of us...

“Hello?” you ask the silence
and reality spirits you away again; ---um, i don't see this line. What is reality? An impatient girlfriend, a child, a date with an oral surgeon?
only a breath of aftershave remains. ---i see something put out here like candles, but nothing warm, illuminating is left.

It will be years before we meet again.
We’ll stand politely apart
and mouth pleasantries;
while my eyes tell you you’re in all my stories
and while you try to make your crossed arms
look casual. ---i love this endings image. So much in so little, well done.

I sigh into the telephone;
I’ll probably just stay in.


Using the stanza breaks i've offered, i am confused about the changes in S's 5-7. i put up ellipsis for obvious reasons and while you may not dig them, i recommend the breaks. See what you think of those.
Okay, reading the first stanzas as the present, his voice sends the N (narrator) into the past. Then, there is a return to the present timeframe, where the poem starts. i am confused in S5 about the scent of aftershave, when she seems to be speaking to him on the phone? After, we move futuristically to show the next scene, but he final couplet suggests we've returned to the present and that doesn't quite work for me. Too jumpy, imho.

Perhaps i am just too thick to read this piece, but i think a little more tuning is required to tie up the missing pieces. i wonder why she doesn't actually talk about her birthday at all. In the past scene where he shows up 300 mi. away, i wanted to know if that was the N's bday he showed up for. imo, if you added that once, coupled with the title would make me think that he continues to run into her during her bday. A very comical and strange relationship.

This has the elements of a great story, yet i don't think it's quite finished......close.
~tim
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Mar 6 07, 19:56
Post #3


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Cathy.

I'll second this nomination! cheer.gif

Example #1: Arnfinn's poem, Here We Go Again in Seren's Synapse

Good day John,

Turnabout is fairplay or some such nonsense. i've sat and read this a few times today. You seem to be working the em-dash in your poetry lately, mostly to the benefit of the poems. This one in particular works well with the interruptions that is given in em-dashing lines, as the N is undergoing a private turmoil regarding an incomplete love relationship. i offer some thoughts for change in bold; i didn't comment on every change, because i think some are self-explanatory. i hope this reply finds you penning well, such as this poem......please see below.


QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Feb 8 07, 02:23 ) *
A discordant ring,
I wait with silence,
silence that singsyou ---okay, italics for the thought of the N, keep the modified quotes for the actual speech.
Then on cue, a soft…’hello.’

Vibrant notes
cramp my constricted throat ---yeah, i see the play with parched and then a waterfall type image, but i would like to see the failure of force and the subsequent "backwash" that occurs in the last two lines.
whole love notes,
from a bruised heart— ---not bruised if cascading down and based on the later stanzas, cascade seemed to be the modifier out of place; i did offer a repetition of "notes". Hope you don't mind.

Here we go again, ---(comma) no need to use an ellipsis here; keeping the train of thought tight here, adds to the upcoming jumbo'd lines of interrupted, incomplete thoughts, imo.
love is painful—
a strenuous duet—
sublimation in rejection. ---a bit scientific, but the "purification" from heat seems to fit your image, plus you get the sonic repetition of tions/"shuns" ending.

Are we in love? ---italics for thought question.

Love is a play—
you're in the outfield—
sometimes a catch—
sometimes a fumble.

Reflections

The warmth of a hand;
those few strands of stray
hair let loose on your brow…
your gentle kiss…
our lips pressed together…
the hunger and the aches.

I can’t let you go—

‘Hello…’ ---i omitted the "i love you, because all of this shows that very line; we don't need to be told, too...trust us.



i hope this reply finds you well and i am happy to leap back into one of your offerings. Good stuff.
~tim/azurepoetry


Example #2: wordsart's poem, Perspectives in Seren's Synapse:

Hello wordsart,

A pleasure to read you. i've read another poem of yours and i must say i appreciate the style and thoughts offered within these offerings. i like the N's (narrator's) comments/descriptions regarding the birds, the funeral director's (we call them hearses in the US) ambulance and the feeling from the coffee shop.
For me, i have mixed feelings regarding the stanza construction and i am confused about what "recycled people" mean. Rayn mentioned this felt bleak; i would say it flirts with forlorness.

The reason's being that you've placed the poem in February (winter is traditionally a bleak setting for literature...of course), recycled people who know they have little to no tomorrow, a great moment with a hearse bumping the N off her path (i like that subtle allusion a lot by the way) and the conclusion that offers a diminshing of the dot=self. So, yeah, either a forlorn poem or a poem from a zen-buddhist that got a semi-satori on the way home (that's where i get many of mine).

See below for my syntax suggestions. Let me preface this by saying that i think the idea of only two stanzas doesn't do your subject matter any justice. i think by breaking out the stanzas with regards to the place-settings/moments into their own stanzas, the poem will get a sparser sense of placement, illuminating the moments and giving space also lends to time passage of the N as she negotiates her way home, up the hill.
i realise some of these may mirror Snow's reply...please forgive the redundancy.

QUOTE (wordsart @ Feb 4 07, 20:33 ) *
Another Friday afternoon, ---see below for my thought on the first line...
I walk towards home; ---i think your style seems to lean toward minimalism and there is certainly a place for the style in a piece like this, but i still want the stop that comes from the semi-colon; the semi-colon still links the longer pause to the lower case continuation of "passing" that i have started on the next stanza.

passing the charity shop coffee house
through curved glass,
I see today's recycled people
collecting, chatting about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little. ---i enjoy snows removal of "and" i add collecting to develop the idea of recycled and give that part a sense of moment with the -ing's that mirror the actual sense of activity by the people. Just a personal taste.

I climb the hill towards the sea.

A February blackbird trills
reminding me
I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.

Behind the funeral director's
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path. ---did i mention i love this part...yup, nice allusion.

Even as the sun sinks, ---i dropped the opening sun line here. Instead of a nigh-prosaic place setting, i added it here to strengthen the metaphorical contrast from the colours we expect of the setting sun and what the sea beyond death looks like.
the sky is blue for ever,
over a quiet sea

And I am just another dot
diminishing
well before
infinity. ---i, personally, don't like the abstract ending. That lends itself to be too telling. i think if you keep the metaphor extended to the end, the reader should be able to get your point. Trust them, they're smart...esp. the folks around here. i wrote a piece recently that had a couple of lines using art terminology to discuss the effect your concluding stanza offers. Allow me an illustration to help:

And I am just another point
vanishing
well before
the horizon line.



Okay, so i've raked this over the coals enough. i hope i was clear enough in my thoughts. Remember: these are just my thoughts and nothing more. i get a sense of sparseness in some of your layout and word choice that i have contradicted and you may not dig my ideas....that's absolutely fine with me. i am a very opinionated critter who does not want to "rewrite" another's work, just offer help through my own headspace. Good luck with this fine piece and i will try and keep on eye on its development.

Cheers!
~tim/azurepoetry


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Mar 10 07, 07:47
Post #4


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Last day to post your COM Nominations.

cheer.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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