Cryptic Chrysalis, Revised 01 May ~ thanks Liz! Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Cryptic Chrysalis


Days are made longer
by a longing to belong...


Dusk turns detestable
in shadowy guise,
left to rot in a cryptic
chrysalis...


Out of the wakening
an epiphanous light
proffers in kind;


wings widen
to nurture faculties
unfocused…


only to be
traumatized by truth
veiled in fallacious vows.

© 2005 Lorraine M Kanter

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

There is a sad despairing feel to this poem.  At first there is the isolation and loneliness of not belonging, then a glimmer of light, as friendship and inclusion is being offered.  The person reaches out to embrace what is offered, but it turns out to be false and a lie and tentative confidence is shattered.
 
Days are made longer
by a longing to belong...
I really like the first two lines of this poem, simple but powerful words and so true.  You could use yearning instead of longing if you wanted to avoid long in both lines.

Nina

[Guest__*]

Dear Nina,

Days are made longer
by a longing to belong...

I think the long - in 3 different way, is what MAKES these lines !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Alan

I think the long - in 3 different way, is what MAKES these lines !
you are probably right.  It was just a thought, maybe not a very good one but never mind.

Nina

[Guest__*]

Dear Nina,

"you are probably right.  It was just a thought, maybe not a very good one but never mind."

No. no !

If there had only been 2 I would have agreed with you, I think you had a very good thought !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori,

This is more an appreciation, than a crit. The poem, itself, is generally very well written, I’m afraid.

I sadly note the blue non-smiley which accompanies this mournful piece.

Cryptic Chysalis

The title is very clever but also underlines the sadness. What is emerging? What is happening? What is being given birth to? If only we could work it out.

Spelling error on “chrysalis”? Or just the usual UK/ USA thing?

Days are made longer
by a longing to belong...

Adults do not really exist; we’re all really just grown children. Your first two lines emphasise that. I remember I had those feelings throughout my childhood and it must be horrid to have them as an adult. We suffer every bit as much - but people listen less, expect more and try to help less hard.

(Crit point: Just to confuse you, I'll disagree with Alan and Nina (sorry!); I think the first "couplet" is very powerful as it is. It moved me, certainly).

At this time of year, those of us in the northern hemisphere are looking forward to longer days. However, your poem turns that on its head. The days’ lengths are painfully stretched by that “longing to belong.” One can feel the sadness and pain.

Dusk turns abhorrent
in shadowy guise,
left to rot in a cryptic
chrysalis...

The second verse not only gives us no relief; it exacerbates matters. The uncomfortably long days are ended with horrid night-fall. No let-up; no relief.  Again we’re back to wondering what terrors; what new depressions; what more tortures etc the pregnant chrysalis enfolds.

Out of the wakening
an epiphanous light
proffers in kind;

I don’t think “epiphanous” is a word - or was one! However, I take it to mean some sudden realisation of something - something has dawned on the narrator - which ties-in with the breaking daylight at dawn. Very clever.

wings widen
to nurture faculties
unfocused…

Well, at least in these two verses, we have some hope. Also, excellent keeping-up with the chrysalis metaphor.

only to be
traumatized by
realism veiled
in fallacious vows.

Though this final verse is when I think, in America, you’d call “a real downer.” This is the saddest verse of all in some ways, because hope did seem to be flourishing. That has been snuffed-out by lies and false promises. Still, trauma is not death and people do recover. The way to do that is to stand back for a while and look and think - but also to look sideways. Stop looking down the same tunnel of despair. Think of the miserable messages as being delivered from a megaphone.  Instead, think surround sound - all the various off-centre good noises that are there to enjoy - and to go towards. One doesn’t hear them until one stops listening to the narrow negativities. I know, I really do. When these other sounds are heard, one must open ones eyes and a different set of vistas is there. Unexpected, maybe unwanted at one time - but available now and with lots of interesting possibilities.

Remember, when the miserable chrysalis is escaped from and the butterfly dries-out, it can majestically soar happily to pastures new.

Thank you for this.... I hope that one day, not too far off, you are able to add another verse, as the butterfly does take flight (again).

J.

[Ephiny]

Hello Lori

This is beautifully written, and as James said, I can empathise with the feelings..especially the first two lines..the word "chrysalis", a slight note of hope suggesting change, transformation.  And these beautiful lines

wings widen
to nurture faculties
unfocused…
so tenderly and delicately phrased..just like a tentative note of hope, and the use of the word "nurture" is so powerful

The ending is sad..a return to reality, suspicion and confidence shattered

realism veiled
in fallacious vows. great wording here.  These are such a sad few lines, mostly because of the hope and promise of the previous ones, however, I still see the title image of the chrysalis containing some of that hope..there is still that chance to emerge and take flight.

Well done..great work :pharoah2

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Lori

James suggested that I crit away and not to worry about making a fool of myself.

Firstly, I really enjoyed this poem. Why cryptic though, and why rot? A chrysalis is usually associated with birth, transformation and regeneration, not rotting. Faculties unfocused, implies potential. My interpretation is that this is about words longing to be butted up to other words, locked away waiting to be used, brought out and then thrown away in meaningless sentences (just like a politician would use methinks).

I doubt that this is what you had in mind but I thought in abstract terms and came up with this. Regardless, I thought this an excellent poem.

Cheers

Mike

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

There is a sad despairing feel to this poem.  At first there is the isolation and loneliness of not belonging, then a glimmer of light, as friendship and inclusion is being offered.  The person reaches out to embrace what is offered, but it turns out to be false and a lie and tentative confidence is shattered.
 
Days are made longer
by a longing to belong...
I really like the first two lines of this poem, simple but powerful words and so true.  You could use yearning instead of longing if you wanted to avoid long in both lines.

Nina

Hi Nina!  :StarWars1:

You are spot-on in your assessment.  :detective:

I was going for the repetiveness of the opening and the assonance too. Of course, I will think on your suggestions.

Hope you are enjoying your time away...

Cheers and thanks for visiting!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Nina,

Days are made longer
by a longing to belong...

I think the long - in 3 different way, is what MAKES these lines !

Love
Alan

Thank you Alan!  :dance:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

This is more an appreciation, than a crit. The poem, itself, is generally very well written, I’m afraid.

I sadly note the blue non-smiley which accompanies this mournful piece.

Dusk turns abhorrent
in shadowy guise,
left to rot in a cryptic
chrysalis...

The second verse not only gives us no relief; it exacerbates matters. The uncomfortably long days are ended with horrid night-fall. No let-up; no relief.  Again we’re back to wondering what terrors; what new depressions; what more tortures etc the pregnant chrysalis enfolds.

Remember, when the miserable chrysalis is escaped from and the butterfly dries-out, it can majestically soar happily to pastures new.

Thank you for this.... I hope that one day, not too far off, you are able to add another verse, as the butterfly does take flight (again).

J.

Thanks James. It will most likely have to be another poem with the alternate ending....

Glad you stopped by!
Hugs
~Cleo
Hello James.

Slight difficulties today - I almost broke my right thumb yesterday afternoon and it's so sensitive today too.   I am surprised by how much I use it! The coloring is like a rainbow today and wraps from back to front knuckle and down - ouchie!

Yes - this is not meant to be a 'happy, feely poem'.  :(

Cryptic Chysalis

The title is very clever but also underlines the sadness. What is emerging? What is happening? What is being given birth to? If only we could work it out. Spelling error on “chrysalis”? Or just the usual UK/ USA thing?

All good questions that I want the reader to wonder. Thank you! I forgot the 'r' silly me!

Days are made longer
by a longing to belong...

Adults do not really exist; we’re all really just grown children. Your first two lines emphasise that. I remember I had those feelings throughout my childhood and it must be horrid to have them as an adult. We suffer every bit as much - but people listen less, expect more and try to help less hard.

(Crit point: Just to confuse you, I'll disagree with Alan and Nina (sorry!); I think the first "couplet" is very powerful as it is. It moved me, certainly).

Yes, you are correct. Just because we are adults does not mean we understand all that happens to us. We can be just as fragile as the tender child. The difference: The child does not know any differently, th adult does (pertaining to the environment that creates these feelings/questions).  

At this time of year, those of us in the northern hemisphere are looking forward to longer days. However, your poem turns that on its head. The days’ lengths are painfully stretched by that “longing to belong.” One can feel the sadness and pain.

Thank you.

Out of the wakening
an epiphanous light
proffers in kind;

I don’t think “epiphanous” is a word - or was one! However, I take it to mean some sudden realisation of something - something has dawned on the narrator - which ties-in with the breaking daylight at dawn. Very clever.

Yes - it is in my Encarta North America dictionary software as the 'adjective' of Epiphany. You are correct.

wings widen
to nurture faculties
unfocused…

Well, at least in these two verses, we have some hope. Also, excellent keeping-up with the chrysalis metaphor.

This was the easiest verse for me in this piece to write. Yes - a hope, a new beginning, rebirth... BUT needing TLC and guidance...

only to be
traumatized by
realism veiled
in fallacious vows.

Though this final verse is when I think, in America, you’d call “a real downer.” This is the saddest verse of all in some ways, because hope did seem to be flourishing. That has been snuffed-out by lies and false promises. Still, trauma is not death and people do recover. The way to do that is to stand back for a while and look and think - but also to look sideways. Stop looking down the same tunnel of despair. Think of the miserable messages as being delivered from a megaphone.  Instead, think surround sound - all the various off-centre good noises that are there to enjoy - and to go towards. One doesn’t hear them until one stops listening to the narrow negativities. I know, I really do. When these other sounds are heard, one must open ones eyes and a different set of vistas is there. Unexpected, maybe unwanted at one time - but available now and with lots of interesting possibilities.

Yes - this is my impact statement if you will, my message. Trust, but be cautious. Some take advantage.

I agree, these traumas can certainly make one stronger, but sometimes, it's a LONG, PAINFUL struggle - and for some, they never find that hope, and give up trying.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori...

Sorry about your thumb - nasty. (Was it a violent film you went to see?)

Good luck with that, too.

Hope all's heading to ok.

All the best, J.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Lori

This is beautifully written, and as James said, I can empathise with the feelings..especially the first two lines..the word "chrysalis", a slight note of hope suggesting change, transformation.  And these beautiful lines

wings widen
to nurture faculties
unfocused…
so tenderly and delicately phrased..just like a tentative note of hope, and the use of the word "nurture" is so powerful

Hi Lucie!
Thanks for your view on that stanza - it is what I hoped you'd read into it.

The ending is sad..a return to reality, suspicion and confidence shattered

realism veiled
in fallacious vows. great wording here.  These are such a sad few lines, mostly because of the hope and promise of the previous ones, however, I still see the title image of the chrysalis containing some of that hope..there is still that chance to emerge and take flight.

Well done..great work :pharoah2

Oh yes - there is ALWAYS hope and one should never give up. For this piece though, it has dual meaning as it symbolic of something that happened to me very recently. Perhaps I will create a second version of this with a more 'happy' ending as the beautiful butterfly spreads her wings and begins anew..

Thanks for your visit today Lucie!

~Cleo  

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

James suggested that I crit away and not to worry about making a fool of myself.

Firstly, I really enjoyed this poem. Why cryptic though, and why rot? A chrysalis is usually associated with birth, transformation and regeneration, not rotting. Faculties unfocused, implies potential. My interpretation is that this is about words longing to be butted up to other words, locked away waiting to be used, brought out and then thrown away in meaningless sentences (just like a politician would use methinks).

I doubt that this is what you had in mind but I thought in abstract terms and came up with this. Regardless, I thought this an excellent poem.

Cheers

Mike

Hello Mike.  :wave:

Good suggestion - why would you make a fool of yourself? Just go with your impressions as I do...  :vic:

By 'cryptic', I mean hidden/obscure. A being that is just about to enter into a new environment, unknown territory as it were. SOme do not realize this undertaking.

By 'rot' I mean to reference that we all need LIGHT to grow, survive - light can also indicate a hope in faith of God. IN this environment, there is very little LIGHT to shine through.  :sun:

Yes - you have grasped my message. Words not only to be read, but to be heard and understood. Politics of another kind...

You are 100% spot-on in your interpretation. Congrats - I feel better too!  :cheer:

Thanks for your visit today Mike,
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Cleo_Serapis]

[b]Hi Lori...

Sorry about your thumb - nasty. (Was it a violent film you went to see?)

Good luck with that, too.

Hope all's heading to ok.

All the best, J.

thanks James.

No - no movie yesterday, nothing good to see! Next weekend perhaps when the new movie "A Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" comes to theatres here. We started watching the 1980's BBC version last night on dvd - talk about hilarious! We have Douglas Adam's book too but alas, another novel I've yet to read....

I was house-cleaning and got too rough dusting. I wacked the wooden corner with my thumb - I was too forceful methinks and hit it just so, right across the bend on the inside of the knuckle. It's still swollen and aweful to look at....

Oh well.... that'll teach me!

~Cleo  

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cleo,

This poem made me very uncomfortable when I read it. It speaks to me of an expected awakening that sours and pains the narator.

I have just returned and read again and also the crits and explanations and I find it very powerful - but still uncomfortable. Wonderful writing.

*hugs*

Fran

[Siren]

Hey Lori,

Reading this made me feel a kind of barrenness. It's something different from you and I love it.

It is so great to read you again.

Love
Dani

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cleo,

This poem made me very uncomfortable when I read it. It speaks to me of an expected awakening that sours and pains the narator.

I have just returned and read again and also the crits and explanations and I find it very powerful - but still uncomfortable. Wonderful writing.

*hugs*

Fran

Hello Fran.

Sorry to have made you uncomfortable.  :(  I have done my job then as the narrator with this piece, as that is the feeling I was projecting.

Thanks for your comments and re-visit.



~Cleo  :ninja:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Lori,

Reading this made me feel a kind of barrenness. It's something different from you and I love it.

It is so great to read you again.

Love
Dani

Hello Dani!  :sun:

Yes, this is another part of me, one that I had to let out asit were...

Don't we all feel that way at one time or another? Glad you enjoyed this part of Cleo....

I look forward to getting into the forums and reading your newest tiles very soon Daniah.  :butterfly:

Thanks so much for your visit tonight!
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Wow Lori,

This is a very dramatic and powerful poem. Allowing each word hold its weight within each line. I skimmed through the other comments but unfortunately haven't time to read each one indepth. So please forgive me if I repeat anything.

First I would like to commend your first 2 lines. They are the hook inwhich made me spirit flutter at the concept of meaning. I would normally nit pick at the repetition of long/longing/longer... but I think, their separate meanings enhance the powerful concept of its meaning combined. How vivid the reader might be able to relate to it. How days drag on when someone sits, lonely and hoping to find someone or someplace to fit into. Excellent toying w/words.

Some further comments and thoughts to follow. I hope I might leave something useful. Otherwise. I quite enjoyed this powerful poem and can relate to it with all my heart. Best wishes ...


Hugs, Liz

Cryptic Chrysalis

Great Title. Fresh and original. Eye catching and pwerful.



Days are made longer
by a longing to belong...

As I mentioned earlier, this is an amazing and most capturing start to a most powerful poem.


Dusk turns abhorrent
in shadowy guise,
left to rot in a cryptic
chrysalis...

I like the image of L1, but abhorrent, felt out of verse with the smoothness of the remaining image. Perhaps... grim or vile... also suggest 'a' after in with L2,


Out of the wakening
an epiphanous light
proffers in kind;

Excellent. The stanza brings the reader from the image of desolation drawn toward hope and renewal... I liked the feel of the use of the word kind, kind with a slight reference to kindness, gentleness lying just beneath the use of the word. Good word usage.



wings widen
to nurture faculties
unfocused…

Again. Excellent! The smooth alliteration and inner rhymes, while maintaining a full and encaptivating stanza really works to lead the reader home to that final, but intense ending.


only to be
traumatized by
realism veiled
in fallacious vows.

'fallacious vows. The word realism, sticks out for me here. I would like to suggest something more in line with 'truth' for a more smooth read.

only to be
traumatized by truth
veiled in fallacious vows.

I can only say I admire your skill and talents and wish I had written something so forceful and valuable.

Hugs, Liz ...

I nominate this as "Poetic Excellence! " ...