There Are Days...Revision 2, Unrymed FV Options

[Judi]

Revision 2

There are days I curse Him
for having this hold on me,
days when my tears carve
pathways down my cheeks;
when the sun disappears from
my world for days at a time,
and I listen for His breath,
His voice, and struggle
to see His shadow on
the sidestreets of my life.

As I begin to despair, He finds
me waiting like a child who hears
her father's voice calling in the distance,
when they've been lost, then suddenly found.
I lay my doubting mind on the splinters
of his cross, and then go on again.

--

Judith Anne Labriola






Revision 1

There are days I curse Him
for having this hold on me,
days when my tears
carve pathways down my cheeks;
when the sun disappears from
my world for days at a time,
and I listen for His breath,
His voice, and struggle to see
His shadow on the sidestreets
of my life.

As I begin to despair, He
finds me waiting like a child who
hears her father's voice calling
in the distance, when they've
been lost, then suddenly found.
I lay my mind on the splinters
of his cross, and then go on again.

--

Judith Anne Labriola

=========================================
Original Version
There are days when I curse Him
for having this hold on me.
Days when the salt of my tears
carves pathways down my cheeks,
When the sun disappears from
my world for days at a time
and I listen for His breath,
His voice,
When I struggle to see His
shadow on the sidestreets of
my life.

Where does He go on such days?
I wish I knew, but as always
He finds me waiting like
a small child who hears her
father's voice in the distance
when she's been lost, and
suddenly found.
On those days, I sigh and lay my
doubting thoughts on the splinters
of His cross, and drink the wine
of His truth.

--

Judith Anne Labriola

[Merlin]

Hi Judy,

As noted, things are slow over here, and I don't stop by often either. Before I give you some of my thoughts, it's important to note that I'm by no means a writer of FV, altho some of my stuff has been published in small anthologies. The crossing over from R & M is far more difficult for me, much more than ever anticipated. However, I've read much on the subject and will offer some thoughts on yours - which are as usual, free to accept or reject. I'll also note here that I'm not a religious person, so will not parse the subject matter, only the style.

I'm not certain that centering is necessary unless you're applying to Hallmark. It would stand equally well left justified.

I'll suggest a bit of repunctuation, first to get away from the predictable Line-2 endstop, and perhaps to gain better flow, and, of course, to make a sentence out of your 2nd, which is not completely grammatically correct. There's a capital "W" which is a typo. Here's my suggested revision >>

There are days when I curse Him
for having this hold on me,
days when the salt of my tears
carves pathways down my cheeks.
When the sun disappears from
my world for days at a time,
[and] I listen for His breath,
His voice,
and I struggle to see His
shadow on the sidestreets of
my life.

My objection in this verse is your stating that "the salt of my tears carves pathways down my cheeks", but it's actually the tears, not the salt doing the carving. I'd suggest replacing with simply "salty tears". The salt stays as a residue from this action. Not a major fix, since you're not limited by meter & rhyme. If you change that, be mindful of "tears carve" while "salt carves".

In V2, "when she's been lost", unless you're using the "been" for religious implication, I'd suggest dumping it for just "when she's lost". I can easily be misreading that one.

There tis.

Merlin

[Judi]

Hi Judy,

As noted, things are slow over here, and I don't stop by often either. Before I give you some of my thoughts, it's important to note that I'm by no means a writer of FV, altho some of my stuff has been published in small anthologies. The crossing over from R & M is far more difficult for me, much more than ever anticipated. However, I've read much on the subject and will offer some thoughts on yours - which are as usual, free to accept or reject. I'll also note here that I'm not a religious person, so will not parse the subject matter, only the style.

I'm not certain that centering is necessary unless you're applying to Hallmark. It would stand equally well left justified.

I'll suggest a bit of repunctuation, first to get away from the predictable Line-2 endstop, and perhaps to gain better flow, and, of course, to make a sentence out of your 2nd, which is not completely grammatically correct. There's a capital "W" which is a typo. Here's my suggested revision >>

There are days when I curse Him
for having this hold on me,
days when the salt of my tears
carves pathways down my cheeks.
When the sun disappears from
my world for days at a time,
[and] I listen for His breath,
His voice,
and I struggle to see His
shadow on the sidestreets of
my life.

My objection in this verse is your stating that "the salt of my tears carves pathways down my cheeks", but it's actually the tears, not the salt doing the carving. I'd suggest replacing with simply "salty tears". The salt stays as a residue from this action. Not a major fix, since you're not limited by meter & rhyme. If you change that, be mindful of "tears carve" while "salt carves".

In V2, "when she's been lost", unless you're using the "been" for religious implication, I'd suggest dumping it for just "when she's lost". I can easily be misreading that one.

There tis.

Merlin

Dear Merlin...

I took your advice on everything but the "been" which was there for "spiritual" reasons. I am a spiritual person, but NOT RELIGIOUS. Thanks so very much..I respect your crits very much! Judi

[Merlin]

Point taken, Judy, and no offense intended. Poor wording on my part - we're probably on a similar wave-length there, in different directions.

M

[Judi]

Point taken, Judy, and no offense intended. Poor wording on my part - we're probably on a similar wave-length there, in different directions.

M

Eric, I never thought of it as an offense..believe that! Judi

[Thoth]

Hi Judi,
I won't comment on the content which I love and think says just what you want it to.
I know it's a little thing, but for me, writing mostly in structure, your choice of line breaks jars somewhat and reduces the impact of the message. I don't like using line breaking simply to shorten, but more as a device to create emphasis and sometimes to replace or assist the punctuation through an implied pause.

Considder the following where I shifted the breaks, it reads quite differently. (I think I interpreted the meanings correctly)

"
There are days I curse Him
for having this hold on me.
Days when my tears carve pathways ( Repetition of "days" is used more effectivly in a new sentence)
down my burning cheeks;
when the sun disappears from my world
for days at a time, (try to loose "days" here as it is the third repeat in 4 lines. "weeks" maybe)
and I listen for His breath,
His voice,
and struggle to see his comforting shadow
on the sidestreets of my life.

As I begin to despair, He finds me,
waiting like a lost child
when she's been lost, and
suddenly found.
who hears her father's voice (I changed these words around to streamline the flow)
calling in the distance,

Then I lay my mind (needs connection to the previous thought)
on the splinters of His cross,
and then go on,
again. (the last line is emphasized by being on its own)
"
I hope you you find these points helpful, but in any case I enjoyed the poem.

Hugs, Wally