Eternity on My Skin Options

[Guest_Tenebrous Dragon_*]

I can't create the second
between the left and right
hands on the face
caressing soft voices-
coerced to sing a long song,
a merry melody to send me
sleeping along the river styx;
or should I call him Lethe
hoping he would open his eyes
innocent as the new born baby
that smiled for the first time
adoring the bright sun-
filling the cavernous crevices
of black and grey shadows
holding the secrets of every person-
between you, me, the last person
to breath a sigh of relief,
having their life
saved by the blessing
of its meaning inside soft folded fingers
holding tight without even knowing why.

Traveling these avenues
of 1st and 2nd, we kept going
wondering what it meant to stop-
forever north to that great beyond
as a stretch of asphalt
or perhaps the rows in a vineyard
leading to the harvest of the Merlot,
yet I counted the cherries
on the stalks I picked with my own lips,
tasting tomorrow in a single seed
twisted on my thirst-driven tongue,
almost as though it was the first taste
to ever drench my mouth-
my breath blown to ecstacy
as I hoped I could die in the moment
with eternity under my heart,
etched into every print on my skin,
knowing life began with a breath
and ended smiling to the requiem
that led me home to Heaven.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Jason and Welcome to Mosaic Musings,

I have printed this out and will be back with a proper critique, however I did want to make note that I've read this and my initial response was a little bit prosey. There is also a need for some full end stops, as each stanza reads to me like a very long winded sentence and would improve if you broke some of the better images with longer pauses, such as ending on a period. This would allow the reader to gain a perspective of intent, rather than a sense of rambling.

There are interesting and somewhat intriguing references that make this worth revising.

Will return soon.

Best Regards, Liz

[Guest_Kathy_*]

G'morning Jason. Welcome from me too.

I've also had a quick read, but my brain isn't meshing too well yet, so I'll have to come back too.

Best wishes,

K

[Guest_Tenebrous Dragon_*]

Hello Jason and Welcome to Mosaic Musings,

I have printed this out and will be back with a proper critique, however I did want to make note that I've read this and my initial response was a little bit prosey. There is also a need for some full end stops, as each stanza reads to me like a very long winded sentence and would improve if you broke some of the better images with longer pauses, such as ending on a period. This would allow the reader to gain a perspective of intent, rather than a sense of rambling.

There are interesting and somewhat intriguing references that make this worth revising.

Will return soon.

Best Regards, Liz

Thank you and I look forward to your proper critique. This particular poem was a really rough draft but I hope through some revision it might become worth actually reading.

Jason

[Guest_Tenebrous Dragon_*]

G'morning Jason. Welcome from me too.

I've also had a quick read, but my brain isn't meshing too well yet, so I'll have to come back too.

Best wishes,

K

Thanks for the welcome Kathy and I look forward to being able to have more of my work looked at.

Jason

[AMETHYST]

Thank you and I look forward to your proper critique. This particular poem was a really rough draft but I hope through some revision it might become worth actually reading.

Jason

Hi again Jason,

Oh, the poem is certainly worth reading. There were many points that I paused and took in the dual meaning, and I liked skillful way each image domino's into turn in meaning and/or imagery - It is a talent I have long wanted to to take on and haven't found the natural ability to do it yet... (but when I see it, I sit up and take notice!) BIG SMILE!

Below is a in-line commentary with suggestions and or my thoughts. Please use what fits your goals and desires for the future of your poem and discard what cannot be used. Always keep in mind, that comments left are just the readers opinions and ideas!


I hope something I leave helps! Best Wishes and again, Welcome to MM!


Liz

I can't create the second
between the left and right
hands on the face
caressing soft voices-

I liked the first few lines - it is an original and interesting idea, placing emphasis on a secondary image of time, while bringing focus to the space and width of a embrace. I would suggest a stanza break.



coerced to sing a long song,
a merry melody to send me
sleeping along the river styx;

I didn't get the connection between river styx and singing or the opening image.

or should I call him Lethe
hoping he would open his eyes
innocent as the new born baby
that smiled for the first time

A period after time.

adoring the bright sun-
filling the cavernous crevices
of black and grey shadows
holding the secrets of every person-

I would omit 'the' before cavernous and also after holding. I think you have very strong line breaks.


between you, me, the last person
to breath a sigh of relief,
having their life
saved by the blessing
of its meaning inside soft folded fingers
holding tight without even knowing why.

I would bring up saved to the line above,
Perhaps ... instead of without even knowing why' perhaps ...
unknowingly.


Traveling these avenues
of 1st and 2nd, we kept going
wondering what it meant to stop-
forever north to that great beyond
as a stretch of asphalt

These opening line for S2, are very proselike. I would omit' we kept going' and the following line. IMO they don't add nothing to the passage. Although To be honest, I am a little confused as what this means, or which direction this is taking the reader.

or perhaps the rows in a vineyard
leading to the harvest of the Merlot,

Perhaps ...

a passed rows in vineyard
leading to the harvest of Merlot.

yet I counted the cherries
on the stalks I picked with my own lips,
tasting tomorrow in a single seed
twisted on my thirst-driven tongue,

Omit 'Yet' Starting with I counted the cherries
Line break - after stalks
period after tongue.



almost as though it was the first taste
to ever drench my mouth-
my breath blown to ecstacy
as I hoped I could die in the moment
with eternity under my heart,

Perhaps ... as if it was the first taste/Omit 'to ever drench my mouth'


etched into every print on my skin,
knowing life began with a breath
and ended smiling to the requiem
that led me home to Heaven.

The poem has ended and still, I am a little lost as to what this is about. Is is a sensual interlude.... or something else... Perhaps for me to offer any real worthy critique, I should wait to hear some background on the poems intent.

Best wishes... Liz

[JaxMyth]

Hi Jason,

Some thoughts below (I have also played with the breaks, at times they seemed merely arbitrary, a break should be viewed with reader in mind as well):

I can't create the second between the left and right
hands on the face caressing soft voices-
coerced to sing a long song,
a merry melody to send me

A' merry melody' seems contra indicated I don't think that old Charon had a merry bone in his body.

sleeping along the river styx;

Styx - capitalised.

or should I call him Lethe

Lethe is also a river, the river of forgetfulness. Your intent here is not clear.

hoping he would open his eyes
innocent as the new born baby that smiled
for the first time adoring the bright sun-
filling the cavernous crevices

'cavernous crevices' is a little overly poetic in this context.

of black and grey shadows
holding the secrets of every person-
between you, (I would extend the space here) me, (and here) the last person
to breath a sigh of relief,
having their life saved by the blessing
of [its] meaning inside soft folded fingers (-)
holding tight without even knowing why.

Traveling these avenues
of 1st and 2nd, we kept going

Why not just Traveling avenues wondering...
wondering what it meant to stop-

forever north to that great beyond

'great beyond' is quite cliched.

as a stretch of asphalt
or perhaps the rows in a vineyard
leading to the harvest of the Merlot,

Maybe it is a regional thing but I live in the middle of wine country downunder and the definitive article would not be generally used, ...the harvest of Merlot.

yet I counted the cherries
on the stalks I picked with my own lips,

You picked stalks with your own lips?

tasting tomorrow in a single seed
twisted on my thirst-driven tongue,
almost as though it was the first taste
to ever drench my mouth-
my breath blown to ecstacy (From 'tasting' to 'ecstasy' is somewhat overly 'poetic'. Note the typo in ecstasy.)


as I hoped I could die in the moment
with eternity under my heart,
etched into every print on my skin,
knowing life began with a breath
and ended smiling to the requiem
that led me home to Heaven.

The ending seems too trite. There is a lot of good stuff in here it needs to be let free.

This my opinion only feel free to use or discard.

Regards,

Jax

[Guest_megan_*]

alright, alright Jason... you can get some of my critiques now.
you know the rules... take it or leave it =)

BUT, I must say... you are talented. I've always known this. As always, I adored this.

>>>>>>>critiques in bold


First off, I would suggest a breaking of line into stanzas. I love how the lines flow together, but you can also make the reader's eyes fall down the page with stanzas that don't end in a period. I see where my eyes go directly down the line, but I feel it would make for a stronger piece. So, for visibility purposes and the like, I'm breaking them into stanzas myself, and adding my own 2 cents.

I can't create the second
between the left and right
hands on the face

great opening. hooks the reader in

caressing soft voices-
coerced to sing a long song,
a merry melody to send me

I agree with Jax here. "Merry melody" doesn't do justice to this poem. also, you ended with "requiem" at the end, so why is the melody so merry? so many other possibilities, clever boy

sleeping along the river styx;
or should I call him Lethe
hoping he would open his eyes

line 2: i would suggest a dash after Lethe, just to make the reader pause a bit before moving on to the next line

innocent as the new born baby
that smiled for the first time
adoring the bright sun-

I would change it like so: "innocent as [s]the[/] newborn baby/ smiling for the first time/adoring the bright sun".... i don't like how the baby smiled, then became adoring. baby either smiled and adored, or smiling and adoring.

filling the cavernous crevices
of black and grey shadows
holding the secrets of every person-

i love the alliteration in the first line; (sp) gray; for the third line I'd take out "the".... while the other articles seem to fit, this seems unnecessary. I'm not sure about the word "person", either... mainly because it seems... too plain. this is not a plain piece.

between you, me, the last person
to breath a sigh of relief,
having their life

line 2 (sp): breathe; line 3, I'd take out "their", and just writing "having life/saved"

saved by the blessing
of its meaning inside soft folded fingers
holding tight without even knowing why.

nothing to say about this stanza. it seems like you're finally coming into your own in this piece, as writers often do.

Traveling these avenues
of 1st and 2nd, we kept going
wondering what it meant to stop-

I'm not sure if it's necessary to write 1st and 2nd, they hold no meaning (to me, at least), just "avenues/we kept going.." and, for a change, maybe throw "to stop down a stanza"

forever north to that great beyond
as a stretch of asphalt
or perhaps the rows in a vineyard

I think north should be capitalized; "the great beyond"... it's true, yes... but there is also distance, asunder, abyss, chasm, hollow, void, etc; you're clever enough to place a better fit in here

leading to the harvest of the Merlot,
yet I counted the cherries
on the stalks I picked with my own lips,

I'd take out "the" in the first line... from wine country, at least, it's not "the Merlot", it's Merlot. I loved the last 2 lines in this though, perfect

tasting tomorrow in a single seed
twisted on my thirst-driven tongue,
almost as though it was the first taste

again, beautiful imagery. but I don't really like how there is "tasting", and then "taste" within 3 lines of each other.

to ever drench my mouth-
my breath blown to ecstacy
as I hoped I could die in the moment

I would revise line 1 in the sense of "ever to drench my mouth"; (sp) ecstasy

with eternity under my heart,
etched into every print on my skin,
knowing life began with a breath

GORGEOUS.

and ended smiling to the requiem
that led me home to Heaven.

only thing I could think of is changing the tense a bit: "life begins with a breath/ and ends smiling

you led yourself right back to where you started, which really is the meaning of it all.

Jason... thank you for the read. again =)