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> Belonging, In search of myself
Guest_Aurora_*
post Nov 25 03, 11:33
Post #1





Guest






Hi everyone,

I just joined this site today. wave.gif  I write poetry and short stories. I hope to meet all of you. I have enjoyed reading your talented poetry. Well, here is my first post.


Belonging

I belong upon an island
Alone with every thought
To gaze across an ocean
Inside the world I’ve bought

There’s no need to ever worry
My cares will all be met
But then there are my efforts
Now which one will you get?

The ocean waves surround me
They speak to me each night
Their secrets may astound you
I keep them wrapped up tight

As I seek my pious knowledge
The wind begins to change
A door begs to be opened
It’s key too rearranged

On the blackest stroke of midnight
When everything shuts down
I’ll stand inside the fire
Watch it scurry all around

Flying just above the embers
Crackling high above the trees
Oh guide me past the present
A place where time will freeze

No telling where I’m headed
But I know just where I’m bound
I’m rich inside with wonder
A member to be crowned

A boat sails to my island
One man is getting out
Alone, but far from frightened
Just another special scout

Angelina
 
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Guest_Lecta_*
post Nov 25 03, 15:11
Post #2





Guest






Good job! I liked your figuritave lang. Your poem flows well. My favorite stanza was:

Flying just above the embers
Crackling high above the trees
Oh guide me past the present
A place where time will freeze

It was very.. um... what's the word I'm looking for? Wall.gif hmmmmm.... I dunno, but I really liked it!  :laugh:

~Lecta~
 
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Guest_Zeus²_*
post Nov 25 03, 17:07
Post #3





Guest






Hi Angelina and welcome to MM,

Sounds like you are retreating into yourself but leaving the door ajar. It seem
a pleasant enough place, not morbid. Like the rhyme scheme. If you use MS Word, somewhere up top in the tool bar, I think you can do a fix, so as not to have every sentence begin with CAPS. Might want to add some punctuation.
Hope the scout finds you.
Larry sun.gif  :xmas:  :snowflake:
 
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Guest__*
post Nov 25 03, 17:40
Post #4





Guest






Hello you.
Welcome again to MM. You made a good start with this poem.
I like the title, the rhyme scheme is good, and by and large you
have a good sense of rhythm. Sometimes a word added here, an
omission there, can make all the difference. I highlighted the tweaks
which sound right to me. But then, a lot of this depends on your
regional accent


I belong upon an island
Alone with every thought
To gaze across an ocean
Inside the world I’ve bought

There is no need to worry    (There is always sounds
My cares will all be met            more poetical than there's )
But then, these are my efforts
Now which one will you get?

The ocean waves surround me
They speak to me each night
Their secrets may astound you
I keep them wrapped up tight

I seek my pious knowledge
as winds begin to change

A door begs to be opened
It’s key too rearranged  (Not too sure about this line)

On the blackest stroke of midnight
When everything shuts down
I’ll stand inside the fire (place?)
Watch it scurry around

Flying above the embers
Crackling over the trees

Oh guide me past the present
A place where time will freeze

No telling where I’m headed
But I know where I’m bound
I’m rich inside with wonder
A member to be crowned

A boat sails to my island
One man is getting out
Alone, but far from frightened
Another special scout


(See how many "justs" you don't really need.)


Hugz

Tom

.
 
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Guest_Aurora_*
post Nov 26 03, 08:26
Post #5





Guest






I want to thank you all for helping me with my poem. I've enjoyed reading your work as well. sun.gif

Thanks Lecta,
I like that stanza too. I sometimes write fantasy poems about women finding their strength and I feel this one falls into that category. Thank you for reading my work.

Thank you too Zeus,

I've been told to cap the first word in each line, but upon reading poems and comments here, I see that leaving the caps off would look better. See, I have already learned something, yea! Thanks for reading my work.

Hi Tom,

Thanks for your help with my poem. I will seriously think over your helpful suggestions.
Now, in this line:  'I’ll stand inside the fire,' I am actually standing in the fire, but not get burned because I can rise above any evil and win. Thank you for reading my work too.

Angie  :sings:
PS, these smilies can get addictive, hehe! dunce.gif
 
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Ephiny
post Nov 27 03, 08:16
Post #6


Creative Chieftain
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
Real Name: Lucie
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



Hi!

I really enjoyed your poem (and welcome, by the way!!), especially the third stanza, your words seem to go deep down inside you and also  around the world outside you are reaching out to, the imagery is great.  I think a little work around the punctuation would enhance it even further, it also rhymes really well.

Yes, smilies are great, aren't they  :cool:


·······IPB·······

Lucie

"What could have made her peaceful with a mind
That nobleness made simple as a fire,
With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind
That is not natural in an age like this,
Being high and solitary and most stern?
Why, what could she have done, being what she is?
Was there another Troy for her to burn?"
WB Yeats "No Second Troy"

MM Award Winner
 
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Aphrodite
post Nov 30 03, 20:05
Post #7


Laureate Legionnaire
****

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,250
Joined: 2-August 03
From: USA
Member No.: 7
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE(Angelinasky @ Nov. 25 2003, 10:33)
Hi everyone,

I just joined this site today. wave.gif  I write poetry and short stories. I hope to meet all of you. I have enjoyed reading your talented poetry. Well, here is my first post.


Belonging

I belong upon an island
Alone with every thought
To gaze across an ocean
Inside the world I’ve bought

There’s no need to ever worry
My cares will all be met
But then there are my efforts
Now which one will you get?

The ocean waves surround me
They speak to me each night
Their secrets may astound you
I keep them wrapped up tight

As I seek my pious knowledge
The wind begins to change
A door begs to be opened
It’s key too rearranged

On the blackest stroke of midnight
When everything shuts down
I’ll stand inside the fire
Watch it scurry all around

Flying just above the embers
Crackling high above the trees
Oh guide me past the present
A place where time will freeze

No telling where I’m headed
But I know just where I’m bound
I’m rich inside with wonder
A member to be crowned

A boat sails to my island
One man is getting out
Alone, but far from frightened
Just another special scout

Angelina

Hello Angelina and welcome!

I enjoyed your introspective poem and the "soul searching" words within.

Flying just above the embers
Crackling high above the trees
Oh guide me past the present
A place where time will freeze
*****awesome!

A lovely poem filled with great imagery. sun.gif  sun.gif  sun.gif  sun.gif

Blessings~
Lindi


·······IPB·······

"Imagination is more important than knowledge and encircles the world"
Albert Einstein

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Aurora_*
post Dec 3 03, 17:45
Post #8





Guest






Thanks Aphrodite, Ephiny, Lecta, Tom and Zeus,

I appreciate your input and suggestions. I am really enjoying it here at MM and can't believe how lucky I am to write in such talented company. Your suggestions and comments are truly appreciated.

Thanks again,
Angie  :snowflake: sun.gif Snowflake.gif
 
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