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Critter
Posted on: May 4 16, 01:09


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Difficult for me to offer useful critique here but I found the poem left me off balance...which is a good thing because I see the poem mimicking the storm itself. There are at least four main elements and other unexpected ones, they ebb and flow, mix, and seem bound together despite conflict. There is wildness here and an unsettling...a good thing in this case...you bring the wild inside.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143297 · Replies: 13 · Views: 8,009

Critter
Posted on: Apr 30 16, 20:31


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Thanks Psyche...I have never met anyone who just visited Cleveland. I drove by it once in a torrential downpour...maybe the heaviest I have ever seen...hardly could see and there was about a foot of water on the highway...didn't last long...but that is my memory of Cleveland rolleyes.gif
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143266 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,903

Critter
Posted on: Apr 29 16, 17:44


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Glad you enjoyed this. I suspect you are right about Hebridean .... it 'looks right'. I did check on that but didn't find it off the bat so went with the other... but will make that change.

Joe

QUOTE (Eisa @ Apr 29 16, 15:37 ) *
Hi Joe,

I really like this, it's filled with things to think on. Like Syl, I'm not familiar with the details, but this hasn't stopped the enjoyment of the read.


Some Hebridian poets
can just drop a poem and a hat
like that on a cockleshell beach
but I had to take a road trip
when I was a kid of 34
through eight western states
listening to Bonnie Raitt
all the way to rolling
into a tiny Napa hotel bar
for a crystal of Cab.

I think it should be Hebridean in L1.
Love the cockleshell beach


Some Clevelanders
came in…two couples,
and we chatted about
snobs and whatnot.

One woman asked me
where I came from.
I said "Calgary." She asked
"Where's that?" I said
"Canada." She said
"My, you speak very good English."

I suppose l could say
that encouraged me
to write poetry, but no… just
a hint of metaphorical prose on the nose.

Down in the Silver Oak cellar
I barrel tasted fruit
dreaming roots into wine.

Everyone should visit Napa, really…
even if your English is not so good…
even if you don't drop a poem in it.

But then you just must head North,
eat seafood chowder for lunch in Newport
and sleep deep in Oregon trees
under a valley of stars.

I like some of your internal rhymes
prose on the nose
sleep deep

Nice conversational part in the middle.

I really have nothing to nit on first read - just enjoyed

Eira

  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143244 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,903

Critter
Posted on: Apr 29 16, 17:40


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QUOTE (greenwich @ Apr 29 16, 14:25 ) *
Very pleasing. I find this your stellar best. Some many lines are classics ie "I barrel tasted fruit
dreaming roots into wine" and "and sleep deep in Oregon trees under a valley of stars". Poems that can elude travel and a sense of the trees are magical.


Thanks Greenwich, I appreciate that.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143243 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,903

Critter
Posted on: Apr 29 16, 17:37


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Thanks Psyche, glad you liked this. Napa (Valley) is in California and is arguably the best wine producing area in the country. On the Pacific coast of the USA the states (South to North) are California, Oregon, and Washington. Cleveland in the North East of the USA and on the Great Lakes (basically bordering Canada).
I have roots in the Hebrides and have visited, very beautiful. So the poem is a departure from subatomic physics and the Big Bang to 'concrete' memories. I tried to tie-in various things, glad I wrote it which is a good thing to judge one's scribbling.

QUOTE (Psyche @ Apr 28 16, 23:07 ) *
Fascinating poem, critter. As I'm not so familiar with details of the different states of the USA, I can't recognize or relate to places like Napa!
Never mind, I've travelled along with your poem and found it all very interesting.

I like the reference at the beginning to Hebridean poets, some of which were indeed excellent. I've been to Scotland but definitely didn't visit those hundreds of small isles...wish I'd had the time. I understand they're incredibly magnificent, in spite of their smallness.








QUOTE (Critter @ Apr 28 16, 03:36 ) *
Memories of Napa

Some Hebridian poets
can just drop a poem and a hat
like that on a cockleshell beach
but I had to take a road trip
when I was a kid of 34
through eight western states
listening to Bonnie Raitt
all the way to rolling
into a tiny Napa hotel bar
for a crystal of Cab.

Some Clevelanders
came in…two couples,
and we chatted about
snobs and whatnot.

One woman asked me
where I came from.
I said "Calgary." She asked
"Where's that?" I said
"Canada." She said
"My, you speak very good English."

I suppose l could say
that encouraged me
to write poetry, but no… just
a hint of metaphorical prose on the nose.<<<<<<<Amusing!! Good.

Down in the Silver Oak cellar
I barrel tasted fruit
dreaming roots into wine.

Everyone should visit Napa, really…
even if your English is not so good…
even if you don't drop a poem in it.

But then you just must head North,
eat seafood chowder for lunch in Newport
and sleep deep in Oregon trees
under a valley of stars. <<<<<< OMG, I really feel like doing all that. In another life, maybe.

I have nothing to nit. I like the conversational parts, the advice given and the whole lot!!
Thanks for sharing,
Syl


  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143242 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,903

Critter
Posted on: Apr 28 16, 01:36


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Memories of Napa

Some Hebridian poets
can just drop a poem and a hat
like that on a cockleshell beach
but I had to take a road trip
when I was a kid of 34
through eight western states
listening to Bonnie Raitt
all the way to rolling
into a tiny Napa hotel bar
for a crystal of Cab.

Some Clevelanders
came in…two couples,
and we chatted about
snobs and whatnot.

One woman asked me
where I came from.
I said "Calgary." She asked
"Where's that?" I said
"Canada." She said
"My, you speak very good English."

I suppose l could say
that encouraged me
to write poetry, but no… just
a hint of metaphorical prose on the nose.

Down in the Silver Oak cellar
I barrel tasted fruit
dreaming roots into wine.

Everyone should visit Napa, really…
even if your English is not so good…
even if you don't drop a poem in it.

But then you just must head North,
eat seafood chowder for lunch in Newport
and sleep deep in Oregon trees
under a valley of stars.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143219 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,903

Critter
Posted on: Apr 28 16, 01:33


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Good treatment of a monumental subject. Learned a new word (contumely)...but I did not follow the link...I have no nits...yet. it seems well done but I hope someone will be more constructive. This probably deserves some fine tuning because it is potentially great. It brings the reader in...we know the subject but perhaps we feel tentative...perhaps that is what the poem needs...the immediacy of theatre...perhaps the reader must be taken there rather than just the address to the bard...don't know, just a suggestion.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143218 · Replies: 4 · Views: 4,201

Critter
Posted on: Apr 28 16, 01:19


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Good to see the revision process here. At this point I have just one comment. You use the word "cerebral" in the title and then in L5 you start by writing "I feel...". This would seem an obvious case of that poetical sin of telling, not showing. Now I think we can sometimes show by telling but this is probably a case that might scream "show" ... which you do with the clouds and such. Just something to consider...

QUOTE (greenwich @ Apr 2 16, 06:35 ) *
REVISION 2

Succumbing to an unknown ailment
I have finally addressed my fears
by talking to ant hills
almost as an equal , sometimes more of late.
I feel overcome walking in the city;
ozone clouds preside as if by the seaside.
I cannot tell if my dreams
are informing me with their virtual impress,
marking me for process
into this duality.


REVISION
Succumbing to an unknown ailment
I have finally addressed my fears
almost as an equal , sometimes more of late.
I feel overcome walking in the city;
into ozone clouds as if by the seaside.
I cannot tell if my dreams
are informing me with their virtual impress
marking me for process
into this duality.


ORIGINAL
Succumbing to an unknown ailment
I have finally addressed my fears
almost as an equal , sometimes more of late.
I feel aspirated walking in the city;
into ozone clouds as if by the seaside.
I cannot tell if my dreams
are informing me with their virtual impress
marking me for process
into this duality.

  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143217 · Replies: 4 · Views: 3,533

Critter
Posted on: Apr 16 16, 12:59


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Thanks Psyche

Yes there just seemed more to say on the subject.
Rereading the middle poem I see exactly what you mean. While composing it the line breaks made perfect sense though. I am thinking the fragmented nature might be suitable and it serves to slow the reader down. I suppose short forms like haiku lend to quick reading but other shorter forms benefit from a slower pace. In any case I will have another look at that.
The order of the sections is intentional and meant to throw off the idea of time as a simple arrow. It is natural for the poet to go where no scientist has gone before. There is only speculation about what was before the Big Bang and the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics predicts an inert end to the universe. I reject that idea, not on a religious level, but on purely human one.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143144 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,721

Critter
Posted on: Apr 15 16, 22:56


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bump
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143137 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,721

Critter
Posted on: Apr 15 16, 22:51


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Not much I can add to the previous crits. This one is worth making the little changes and actually tending to "little" ...if you can instill that feeling of smallness into the poem ...you have some of that already, maybe augment it.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143136 · Replies: 4 · Views: 3,324

Critter
Posted on: Apr 15 16, 22:43


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QUOTE (greenwich @ Mar 2 16, 11:11 ) *
Revision
I like this content. It seems just a bit fragmented to me, not sure I can help with that.
I feel life's roller blades buckling in the concrete. good image, one feels this
I've been told I have to work till 75, not sure you need the 'been told' part.
as ever I try to tell myself
I am somewhere else.
The past is a kinder place,
presently I'm in San Francisco 1971
maybe try to condense something like
The past is kinder
like San Francisco 1971...

talking to an old timer
about the Fillmore Auditorium ,
he got his priorities right
about building better bridges. I like this line

OK here I suggested word pruning ...take or toss
Perhaps I am heading towards
being a dual person,
a hippie with long blonde hair
already thirty two.
A proud Mustang owner
driving through the canyons,
listening on an 8 track player
to "Its a Beautiful Day"
with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle,
to join the Orange camp fire gathering,
to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline.
We will wed in 1973
and bear a daughter called Celeste.

Oh to be celestially somewhere else
where I have willingly passed before
yet content for no rebirth. Interesting finish


ORIGINAL

I feel lives roller blades buckling in the concrete.
I've been told I have to work till 75,
as ever I try to tell myself
I am somewhere else.
The past is a kinder place,
presently I'm in San Francisco 1971
talking to a survivor of the quake,
and he got his priorities right
about surviving at any cost.
Perhaps I am heading towards
being a dual person,
a hippie with long blonde hair
already thirty two.
A proud Mustang owner
driving through the canyons,
listening on a 8 track player
to "Its a Beautiful Day"
with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle,
to join the Orange camp fire gathering,
to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline.
We will wed in 1973
and bear a daughter called Celeste.
Oh to be celestially somewhere else
where I have willingly passed before
yet content for no current rebirth.

  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143135 · Replies: 6 · Views: 4,730

Critter
Posted on: Apr 2 16, 18:54


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This has great depth like that heavy feeling in the air before a storm. No real suggestions at this point but I like the seriousness here, a poem to be reread for sure. Don't let the slowness of replies discourage you, this is good work.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143062 · Replies: 9 · Views: 5,661

Critter
Posted on: Apr 2 16, 18:45


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Thanks RC, glad you took that from it.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143061 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,721

Critter
Posted on: Mar 28 16, 12:30


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Thanks Psyche.
Nice opening stanza. Yep, we outline constellations, usually with Greek names, but not always. And it's a money-making businnes, as well. One can have one's personal constellations with a few expensive sessions!
I understand L5 and L6, but not so much the way you've expressed it. I think about 80 or 90% of the universe is absolute dark matter, as no light is emitted or can penetrate it.
I'll read further...

I guess what I was getting at was “meaning” and how it emerges from “things”. An image with meaning can emerge from pixels that individually have no connection to the meaning at all. We all try to take meaning from the universe, even the arrangement of stars we see. The stars mean “Big Dipper” or “Southern Cross” to us but viewed from another galaxy these stars would not have this same meaning and probably none at all (no light relates). In the bigger picture we try to take meaning from the “Big bang” as in what’s it all about….

Although Alpha and Omega are of biblical origin, still these terms are used to enclose any period of events, without religious connotations. Somehow the A before This is misleading. Alpha would sound a lot better. You could put Omega later on, maybe with a question mark?
It wouldn't mean that this person knows everything in between, just that it's what's generally been studied and/or proven.
The Big Bang theory starts with a singularity that explodes. Why 'No thing is singular'? I like your thoughts about constellations on unknown spheres. It would be nice to include those thoughts in your poem.
'Conecting the dots' is great, that's what physicists seem to do...then they suddenly announce that they were wrong! So we're back at a jumble of dots...in this part it appears to me that you're teasing the scientists.
Sorry, I haven't come up with any new words or phrases. Just some thoughts.


I see that the “A This” creates confusion. “This” is the universe and some models describe it as an exploding singularity that will eventually end in a fully expanded, fully random, inert thing. I am not certain that I can accept this and suspect that there was a “before” and will be an “after” …but it does not really matter as we deal with our own fleeting “nows” before was and will…So that final strophe is a bit of goofing around with the big concepts (space time matter energy life death) that we live with but don’t really understand…and how we strive to take meaning by connecting-the-dots…just like we take meaning (and make up stories) from random stars.
Thanks for those thoughts, I Think the capital “T” may be one step over the line…
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143020 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,721

Critter
Posted on: Mar 28 16, 12:00


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QUOTE (Luce @ Mar 24 16, 18:36 ) *
The Dogs - Revision I know nothing about narrative poetry or how it is different from poetic prose but this is a good read...has humanity and is pure in its expression. Just a couple of things I noticed...

Billy got four large dogs. Hard to believe but there you are or rather there they were. The dogs, just hair and muscle with goliath paws, jumping like baby goats. They were all over the lawn and all over Billy and him beaming as if he just inherited England. He was never smart and none to (too) rich, still living in the house after his ma died, still working at the gas station.

Nobody knows when he got them. He’s not saying, as if his neighbors would stoop to listen. They’d rather nod (shake?) their heads in disapproval, say tsk, tsk, all served with their morning muffin. Yes, he was known to feed a dog or two or three. But his ma would put a stop to it, called (call) the county for pickup.

Now in the cool of the evening I see Billy playing with his dogs. His grease creased hand throwing the ball, first to one and then to another, each dog getting his share of undying acceptance. The dogs running, jumping, jostling each other and Billy, till they knock him down on the grass. And there he stays laughing, like a child playing in the sunlight, his clothes and face full of hair, wet licks… and love.

Luce

P.S. This is not a strict prose poem but a very loose one. The meter and syllabic count is loose and it's part narrative poem. This is why I posted the poem in the FV section.

Overheard at Denny's Bar - Original

Billy got four large dogs.

What? Noooo. You don’t say.

I do say. Billy got four dogs.

But he’s not working. What’s he thinking?

Pinky.

What?

Pinky. That was her name.

Is that one of the dogs?

Hell no! There ain’t no fog.
She died in 83’.

Lee, your hearing aid conked out again? Can you hear me?
And who the hell is Pinky?

You know the sea has never appealed to me Ned.
it always smelled like pee.

Lee, I think it's time to get some eats
You’re in some sort of freakin bog.

You know dogs have always liked me.
and I, in turn, like them. I had three.
And oh! Did you know?

Billy got four large dogs.


Luce

  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #143019 · Replies: 10 · Views: 6,068

Critter
Posted on: Mar 26 16, 16:38


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I have heard "mine" used this way as in 'mine own'... not sure of the origin or if it is widely used. I think it occurs particularly or most often with "heart'. It sounds like something from the Romantics...
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142991 · Replies: 20 · Views: 15,983

Critter
Posted on: Mar 26 16, 12:42


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I too have never heard the "the" thing...and I have heard a lot of criticism... I believe it though although (like with a lot of things) I may tend to disagree. It is a little word and should not be used too much but OTOH it does serve to elevate an object to a particular thing. "The bird sings..." is something different than "Birds sing..." I think using "the" isolates and focuses which is something a poet wants to do sometimes. But yeah, if you don't need it, don't use it, but if you do, feel free...
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142987 · Replies: 20 · Views: 15,983

Critter
Posted on: Mar 25 16, 12:34


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Hi Luce

This keeps one off balance. At first the reader thinks this is a type of "found" poem or a true slice of reality. Then there is suspicion that there is a mental condition at play, then maybe a comedy routine... I really think that this poem accomplishes something (although I can't put it in words) but at the same time I think many readers will fail to fully engage with it. The one thing that really lost me was the sea smelling like pee...for a number of reasons... The poem works on some levels I think but to me it does not seem to be a 'unit'.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142976 · Replies: 10 · Views: 6,068

Critter
Posted on: Mar 24 16, 18:05


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QUOTE (Eisa @ Mar 24 16, 15:33 ) *
Hi Joe,

It's good to see another poem from you. I like this one - the title drew me in straight away.

Just a couple of thoughts on St 2 (very minor nits)

A This emerges from

Is A at the start of this line a typo?

where there was none,
like time out of once
upon what was gone.
No thing is singlular,

spelling - singular

all will pass to come
like then and now
connecting dots
of us and not.

I find the last line a bit abstract/weak. Endings should be memorable.

Hope something here helps

Eira

Thanks Eira. ...all the tinkering I did and never caught that spelling typo...eyes are getting bad I guess. The capital T is not (see note above). It is a short poem so I don't mind putting a few odd things in. Greenwich's suggestion would work although not sound-wise imo. I suppose the whole poem is abstract but I do kind of see your point (sounds like 'yes you are/no I'm not) I guess the whole theme of is/not is central and I wanted to relate to the constellation that exists on one plane but perhaps not in another. I appreciate the input and will continue to consider.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142973 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,721

Critter
Posted on: Mar 24 16, 17:56


Babylonian
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QUOTE (greenwich @ Mar 24 16, 12:23 ) *
Maybe "connecting dots of us and far between"?
"of us and not" seems too uncertain for this lunar / evolution voyage. The last Stanza starts with "A This emerges". Is A erroneous or stands for Alpha ?

I agree that "far between" would work too, quite well actually with one of the themes. The idea of the constellation's stars making sense in one dimension but really having no relation at all is a hard one to pin down...but it has to do with how we understand things...how the "between" is the meaning we try to understand by connecting points.
I see there is some confusion caused by the capital T. There is little we know of the "before" the Big Bang or if the totally expanded, dead/inert, universe is really the end. The in-between is "This" ...if anything deserves a capital letter it is the thing that is all that is... Alpha is a similar term but I am not sure there is such a thing...the pre-Big Bang might be something we don't understand, a world without the things that we know such as time, light, mass, energy... All big questions that are serious but cannot really be treated that way, that is why I put a little goofiness in this.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142971 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,721

Critter
Posted on: Mar 24 16, 13:43


Babylonian
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Time of the Big Bang

During the Big Bang

We see one dimension
in dark between stars
so outline constellations
with names and legends.
Yet from out within
no light relates.

A this appears from
where there was none,
like time out of once
upon what was gone.
No thing is singular,
all will pass to come
like then and now
connecting dots
of us and not.


After the Big Bang

We evolve
counting
instants
as matter
tends to true
disorder within
a stable glow.
…..…..……..
Obligatory order
resolves innerspace
where we slide to sleep
between photon sheets.
==============


Before the Big Bang

How small can nothing feel
before a dream emerges,
like dew into the dawn,
that it cannot exist
unless to pursue light
that has a head start on time
down along the old axis of chaos?
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142963 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,721

Critter
Posted on: Mar 24 16, 13:41


Babylonian
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yes, mid 70s is what I remember. I hated it...
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142962 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,268

Critter
Posted on: Mar 24 16, 13:26


Babylonian
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There is a simplicity and depth here at the same time. "heart" may be a bit cliché. For me the key is "arid rock". Many years ago I was in Argentina and the one thing that struck me was the difference between the mountains there and here. Even although the Rockies are still growing they are generally so much more weathered than the areas I visited in Argentina where the rocks were jagged and difficult to navigate. I suspect there were other more weathered areas and it had to do with rainfall and rain shadows. In any case the term "arid rock" transported me which is what poems should do.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #142961 · Replies: 20 · Views: 15,983

Critter
Posted on: Mar 23 16, 15:15


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I agree with many of the points Luce made. I am just wondering about timing...1970, yes there was bubblegum but Disco? maybe the term but not the music surely, or have I forgotten the 70s?
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