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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ A Country far away as Health (Hale)*** Revision

Posted by: Heather Feb 25 16, 03:58

A country far away as health-

Sylvia Plath, ‘Tulips’

I don’t speak this language. I was never taught
to roll the words.

I see the others strolling forth,
all sunbeams and celestial showers,
secure in their knowledge that blessings
beget blessings, for of course they should.

And I hope for them something small,
a curious cold sore perhaps, or bigger,
crippling chlorophobia would be nice
or anything in between;

an estranged sister
problems with the Prozac
some unforgotten abuse

something
so we could communicate,
if only by signs.

Original
Hale

I don’t speak this language, I was never taught
to roll the words playfully from my tongue.

And I see them strolling forth,
all sunbeams and celestial showers,
secure in their knowledge that blessings
beget blessings, for of course they should.

And I hope for something small,
a curious cold sore perhaps, or bigger,
crippling chlorophobia would be nice
or anything in between;

an estranged sister
problems with the Prozac
some unforgotten abuse

something

so we could communicate,
if only by signs.

.

Posted by: mt2polar Feb 25 16, 17:20

Heather,

You are hitting on a universal human condition. We are blessed by our unique experience and suffer the need to share and know.

"beget blessings, for of course they should." - I would lose "for" and maybe make it "...blessings. Of course, they should."

"chlorophobia" - This makes me think of a child fearing Kermit the Frog or green Playdough. It seems like a light line but probably not that light.

"an estranged sister
problems with the Prozac
some unforgotten abuse" -These lines make it much darker. They extend the lengths to which we might go.

"if only by signs." - I like this. This person could be deaf. The allusion is a perfect statement to the core of the poem.

mt

Posted by: Luce Feb 25 16, 19:44

Nicely done Heather.

You can see this poem in two ways. The N is deaf and wants to communicate with someone, anyone. The N is not deaf and has problems communicating with anyone or someone in particular because of what happened in the past. Both deal with communication and how badly we need to be connected to human beings.

QUOTE (Heather @ Feb 25 16, 03:58 )

Hale

Not sure why you picked this word for the title beyond the fact that it sounds exactly like "Hail".

I don’t speak this language, I was never taught
to roll the words playfully from my tongue.

Love the first line. I put a period after language and stop at "words".

And I see them strolling forth,
all sunbeams and celestial showers,
secure in their knowledge that blessings
beget blessings, for of course they should.

I'd lose the "And" because you're using it again in the next stanza. Not sure who is "...them strolling forth". Are they the words the N can't say or people? Not sure what the blessings are unless it is the blessing of companionship because, in essence, they speak/share the same language.

And I hope for something small,
a curious cold sore perhaps, or bigger,
crippling chlorophobia would be nice
or anything in between;

I like these lines. However, I would add "so" after "And" to reinforce the casual conversational tone. I'd delete "perhaps and would be done". I'd add "like" after "between" to link it to the next stanza more clearly.

an estranged sister
problems with the Prozac
some unforgotten abuse

This passage definitely changes the tone to something much deeper, especially the last line. It could infer that the N wants to finally talk about something in the past that has remained buried far too long. This secret, although unspoken, has affected the relationship between the N and the subject.

something

so we could communicate,
if only by signs.

Love these ending lines.

Luce

Posted by: greenwich Feb 26 16, 11:09

A well constructed poem . It is very dense in approaching the layers of meanings / feelings , which can be taken in many ways. I don't feel there is deafness in this poem, more cross languages spoken ie spoken only in signs. The chlorophobia wish is sinister, in as much as who are the clowns in this poem ?, and why would you wish to suffer another phobia, unless you had worse ones already. So where is the narrator in this poem?

Posted by: Critter Feb 26 16, 11:12

QUOTE (Heather @ Feb 25 16, 01:58 )

Hale

I don’t speak this language, I was never taught
to roll the words playfully from my tongue. not sure if you need "from my tongue"

And I see them strolling forth,
all sunbeams and celestial showers,
secure in their knowledge that blessings
beget blessings, for of course they should. nice strophe, not sure about the beginning "and" here and in the next, do you need them?

And I hope for something small,
a curious cold sore perhaps, or bigger,
crippling chlorophobia would be nice
or anything in between;

an estranged sister
problems with the Prozac
some unforgotten abuse

something

so we could communicate,
if only by signs.
gritty poem here, ending is strong, specific yet open, good work

Posted by: Eisa Feb 26 16, 15:52

Hi Heather

Many layers here which I am enjoying delving into. Noting much to nit but I'll leave a few suggestions below.

I don’t speak this language, I was never taught
to roll the words playfully [from my tongue.]

From my tongue is probably not needed here

And I see them strolling forth,
all sunbeams and celestial showers,
secure in their knowledge that blessings
beget blessings,[for of course] as they should. (For conciseness)

[And] I hope for something small,
a curious cold sore perhaps, or bigger,
crippling chlorophobia would be nice
or anything in between;

Don't think 'and' is needed

an estranged sister
problems with the Prozac
some unforgotten abuse

something

so we could communicate,
if only by signs.

Very thought provoking, Heather. Well done!

Eira

Posted by: Psyche Feb 27 16, 02:12

Hi Heather,
I like this very much, even tho' I may be way off the mark in my interpretation of it.
It's highly original and touches profound issues. Plaintive, then darker...

QUOTE (Heather @ Feb 25 16, 06:58 )

Hale

I take the title in the sense of 'healthy', OK?

I don’t speak this language, I was never taught
to roll the words playfully from my tongue.

This could be taken literally. Or else relating to the other people's conditions, which would set them apart, either as being 'hale and hearty' or else ill. I'm not sure to whom the title refers.

And I see them strolling forth,
all sunbeams and celestial showers,
secure in their knowledge that blessings
beget blessings, for of course they should.

This strophe is lovely, but I'm not sure who 'them' are. Perhaps these people have illnesses, but are bravely facing them, counting their blessings...they could be worse off!

And I hope for something small,
a curious cold sore perhaps, or bigger,
crippling chlorophobia would be nice
or anything in between;

I imagine this person (a carer, nurse or volunteer), for some reason would prefer to be like the others. To have some illness, maybe mental, but not necessarily so. I looked up chlorophobia, which means a phobia of anything green! As I have personally dealt with panic attacks throughout my life, I don't think this is trivial. I've had claustrophobia as well as agoraphobia...and anything in between! Heart beating so rapidly, jumping out of one's chest. Good stanza.

an estranged sister
problems with the Prozac
some unforgotten abuse <<<<<<all these would lead to mental troubles, needing therapy, methinks...

something

so we could communicate,
if only by signs.

Good finale. The fact that it appears to have a duality of meaning, adds to my interest. As she/he doesn't speak their tongue, sign language would be useful. As you mostly refer to mental issues, it could probably take place in a psychiatric ward. Volunteers often help out...I think a trained nurse would deal objectively with 'them'...Sorry, I feel unsure of who's who in this stunning piece.

Syl

Posted by: Heather Feb 27 16, 09:33

Thank you all so much for the suggestions. I'm such an obscure writer- I think what I'm trying to say is so clear, and I'm so worried about over clarifying things...Now I think I've made a few changes based on what you've all suggested- including the title- and I hope it all comes clearer.
Maybe you could re-read it as a new poem...who knows?
Heather
PS- thanks again for the feedback!

Posted by: Luce Feb 27 16, 18:16

Heather,

Thanks for the insight and the Plath poem. It’s a little clearer the direction you were going.

I think though that in the end, we were all hitting the same note about your poem but using different melodies. It was all about communication, isolation and the need to connect with others. However, if you want it to point to a specific setting or direction, then you need to guide some of us a little more.

A country far away as health-Sylvia Plath, ‘Tulips’

I don't know if you're giving us a reference or changing the title from "Hale" to this line from a Plath poem. If you are changing the title to a line from Plath’s poem “Tulip”, then I’d rather you use your own words for the title, rather than use a line from another poet's work.

If not, then note the reference in your comments and not where you would normally put the title to avoid confusion.

Considering what you were after, then "Hale" does work.

I don’t speak this language. I was never taught
to roll the words.

Good opening lines. Nice hook.

I see the others strolling forth,
all sunbeams and celestial showers,
secure in their knowledge that blessings
beget blessings, for of course they should.

I would change "should" to "would". It infers that "the others" take something for granted but the N does not.

Nevertheless, for me, not knowing clearly who "the others" are doesn't help me to compare them with the N.

And I hope for them something small,
a curious cold sore perhaps, or bigger,
crippling chlorophobia would be nice
or anything in between;

an estranged sister
problems with the Prozac
some unforgotten abuse

I think you need to have a few lines about the N to help explain why she would wish ill health or grief to "the others". Right now, anything we know about the N is faintly inferred. In your reference, Plath describes the N's ill health mainly through the actions of the nurses. Maybe you need a similar technique here.

something
so we could communicate,
if only by signs.

Good ending.

Luce

Posted by: Heather Feb 29 16, 18:22

Luce- those are all really good points. I will most definitely take them into account.

Thanks for taking the time,
Heather