What Greater Gift, 1st revision, thanks Peggy, Eira, and Dani Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

What Greater Gift

Revision:

I am the lightening of the dark,
the eternal bless of souls' last breath.
I emanate from mouths of babes and elder folk,
a slight curve of lip and scintillated eye.
Encouraged by a million uplifted prayers
of boundless energy and hope,
I travel a billion silent ways
seeped into the grain of every heart
that has beat or cried out in despair.
For all the anguished moments;
I lend heartbeats of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body,
maimed with inconceivable injustice,
I bring emancipation.
Speak my name with reverence and with pride.
In your hour of need do not hide behind your fears,
for salvation resides within the breath of just two words-
I believe.


Original:

I am the lightening of the dark,
the eternal bless of souls last breath.
I emanate from mouths of babes and elder nanas,
a slight curve of lip and twinkled eye.
Encouraged by a million uplifted prayers
of boundless energy and hope,
I travel a billion silent ways seeped into the grain
of every heart that has ever beat or cried out in despair.
For all the anguished moments, I bring hours of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body, maimed with
inconceivable injustice, I bring emancipation.
Speak my name with reverence and with pride.
In your hour of need do not hide behind your fears,
for I bring salvation with just two words -
I believe.

16 Mar 2010
© Steve Pray

[Guest_mojave_*]

Steve---

i like a poem that stays on point---even a driving narrative as the poem here.

i also like the fact that there is no one religious POV, no narrowing of that belief. i think that is wise of the poem and creates the greater force field.

would i quibble with "twinkle?" sure.

"boundless energy?" maybe.


but the strength here is wonderful, i think of the shut-ins, the hobbled, the convicts both justly accused and the political prisoners---


For all the anguished moments, I bring hours of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body, maimed with
inconceivable injustice, I bring emancipation.


a light into the darkest cell, the most lonely life.


bernie

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Bernie, thank you for reading and your kind comments. Quibble away...lol. There were a couple of places I could probably use a different word choice. 'Driven' yea it was that, and I am not a religious person, spiritual yes, I think that a variety of people will be able to relate to this. Again thanks.

Steve

[Maggie]

Just beautiful and inspiring, Steve!!

I do see a couple nits.

What Greater Gift

I am the lightening of the dark,
the eternal bless of souls last breath.
I emanate from mouths of babes and elder nanas,
a slight curve of lip and twinkled eye.
Encouraged by a million uplifted prayers
of boundless energy and hope,
I travel a billion silent ways seeped into the grain
of every heart that has ever beat or cried out in despair.
For all the anguished moments, I bring hours of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body, maimed with( I'd start the next line with "with")
inconceivable injustice, I bring emancipation.(I'd give "I bring emancipation" its own line.)
Speak my name with reverence and with pride.
In your hour of need do not hide behind your fears,
for I bring salvation with just two words -
I believe. (I'd suggest putting quotation marks around "I believe." Seems clearer.)

Powerful piece, Steve!!!

Peggy

[Eisa]

Hi Steve

This is powerful and I really enjoyed your message. There are just a few minor nits I'd suggest ... take or toss!

What Greater Gift

I am the lightening of the dark,

Perhaps in the dark or through the dark

the eternal bless of souls last breath.
I emanate from mouths of babes and elder nanas,

One thing struck me here - what about the grandads? Perhaps change to 'elder folk'

a slight curve of lip and twinkled eye.

Twinke might be cliche?

Encouraged by a million uplifted prayers
of boundless energy and hope,
I travel a billion silent ways seeped into the grain
of every heart that has ever beat or cried out in despair.
For all the anguished moments, I bring hours of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body, maimed with
inconceivable injustice, I bring emancipation.

I feel this section could have line breaks rearranged slightly

I travel a billion silent ways
seeped into the grain of every heart
that has [ever] beat or cried out in despair.
For all the anguished moments, I bring hours of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body,
maimed with inconceivable injustice,
I bring emancipation.


Speak my name with reverence and with pride.
In your hour of need do not hide behind your fears,
for I bring salvation with just two words -
I believe.


Inspiring ending, Steve.

Snow

[Siren]

Hey Steve,
Another thought provoking poem, filled with a deep sense of faith. Whether the faith is spiritual or religious, just believing that there is something greater in this world in itself has an incredible impact on a person.

Now onto the poem:
First let me say I like the title.

What Greater Gift

I am the lightening of the dark,
the eternal bless of souls' last breath.
Powerful starting lines. Shouldn't there be an apostrophe after 'souls"?

I emanate from mouths of babes and elder nanas,
a slight curve of lip and twinkled eye.
Why just babes and elder nanas? why not "through" signifying that the effect is on all ages. Or did you intend to imply that since babes and the elderly usually smile unconsciously? I love this part immensely! It's deeply touching

Encouraged by a million uplifted prayers
of boundless energy and hope,
I travel a billion silent ways seeped into the grain
of every heart that has ever beat or cried out in despair.
Again amazingly well written. love "boundless energy and hope"... Shouldn't "beat" be "beaten"?

For all the anguished moments, I bring hours of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body, maimed with
inconceivable injustice, I bring emancipation.
I like this too but how about: I lend heartbeats of care (because the care are in bouts i thought "lend" would be better with the ability not to repeat "bring" and "heartbeats" to convey more bodily functions) of course that is MHO. So for the latter part I suggest

For all the anguished moments, I lend heartbeats of care;
loving arms to entwine withered body--maimed by
inconceivable injustice-- I bring release.

Speak my name with reverence and with pride.
In your hour of need do not hide behind your fears,
for I bring salvation with just two words -
I believe.

I like the ending but find it weaker than the the beginning of the poem.
How about:

Speak my name proudly and with reverence.
In your hour of need leave your fears behind;
do not hide,
for salvation resides within the breath of just two words-
I Believe!


Lovely read

Dani

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Whew------- what responses. Thank you all, lots of wonderful kind words. Lots to consider.

Peggy, thanks for reading, your kind words and your comments. I do agree with the first two nits and will see that they are incorporated with other changes in the rewrite. As for using quotations on 'I believe' yes I could do that, I am trending away from quotes as I think italics with the bold make it stand out from the rest in a much better way. And that of course is just me.

[Maggie]

Hi Steve,

I think you're right on the last nit!! Good idea!!

Peggy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Eira, You are becoming my knight in shining armour when it comes to comments...LOL. I want to take yours piece by piece.

"This is powerful and I really enjoyed your message." Wow, thank you, as I said to Bernie this was driven from something inside that needed to be written by me for me mostly but I also wanted to share.


I am the lightening of the dark,

Perhaps in the dark or through the dark If I were to change 'of' to 'in or through' then the word should be lightning not 'lightening with the use of 'of' I am indicating that the darkness is being made less,if you see what I mean.

the eternal bless of souls last breath.
I emanate from mouths of babes and elder nanas,

One thing struck me here - what about the grandads? Perhaps change to 'elder folk' Yes, of course...'folk' I couldn't think of the word...went brain dead.

a slight curve of lip and twinkled eye.

Twinke might be cliche? Sparkled?

Encouraged by a million uplifted prayers
of boundless energy and hope,
I travel a billion silent ways seeped into the grain
of every heart that has ever beat or cried out in despair.
For all the anguished moments, I bring hours of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body, maimed with
inconceivable injustice, I bring emancipation.

I feel this section could have line breaks rearranged slightly

I travel a billion silent ways
seeped into the grain of every heart
that has [ever] beat or cried out in despair.
For all the anguished moments, I bring hours of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body,
maimed with inconceivable injustice,
I bring emancipation. Yes, good rearrangement and also answers Peggy's two nits.


Speak my name with reverence and with pride.
In your hour of need do not hide behind your fears,
for I bring salvation with just two words -
I believe.


Inspiring ending, Steve. Again a very big thank you...

Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Dani, Very thoughtful and great reply. This was semi-inspired by you. Did you get my PM? I would like to take your comments one at a time also as I did with Snow.


Another thought provoking poem, filled with a deep sense of faith. Whether the faith is spiritual or religious, just believing that there is something greater in this world in itself has an incredible impact on a person.
Yes it does, and your reply made me once again think of that and helped inspire this.
Now onto the poem:
First let me say I like the title. smile.gif After this all poured out and I was rereading I began to wonder if I could find the appropriate title.

What Greater Gift

I am the lightening of the dark,
the eternal bless of souls' last breath.
Powerful starting lines. Shouldn't there be an apostrophe after 'souls"? Possessive plural? Hmm probably, not being the best in English language usage, I can go with it...lol.

I emanate from mouths of babes and elder nanas,
a slight curve of lip and twinkled eye.
Why just babes and elder nanas? why not "through" signifying that the effect is on all ages. Or did you intend to imply that since babes and the elderly usually smile unconsciously? I love this part immensely! It's deeply touching. Snow mentioned the same thing suggesting 'folk' which I will use instead of 'nana's'. Yes the intent was that exactly...and thank you for liking and that you thought it deeply touching.

Encouraged by a million uplifted prayers
of boundless energy and hope,
I travel a billion silent ways seeped into the grain
of every heart that has ever beat or cried out in despair.
Again amazingly well written. love "boundless energy and hope"... Shouldn't "beat" be "beaten"? As I read Snows rearrangement I see she encapsulated 'ever' so if I leave that out beat becomes correct.

For all the anguished moments, I bring hours of care,
loving arms to entwine withered body, maimed with
inconceivable injustice, I bring emancipation.
I like this too but how about: I lend heartbeats of care (because the care are in bouts i thought "lend" would be better with the ability not to repeat "bring" and "heartbeats" to convey more bodily functions) of course that is MHO. So for the latter part I suggest

For all the anguished moments, I lend heartbeats of care; I like the lend heartbeats, I didn't catch the use of bring twice...thanks.
loving arms to entwine withered body--maimed by
inconceivable injustice-- I bring release. Here I have to stick with emancipation because it is more a freeing from not just physical enslavement but spiritual enslavement also, and release doesn't have the impact.

Speak my name with reverence and with pride.
In your hour of need do not hide behind your fears,
for I bring salvation with just two words -
I believe.

I like the ending but find it weaker than the the beginning of the poem.
How about:

Speak my name proudly and with reverence.
In your hour of need leave your fears behind;
do not hide,
for salvation resides within the breath of just two words- it seems to me that the first two lines are almost the same, but I do like the arrangement of the last... let me do some rewriting and then I hope all will return for further comment.
I Believe!


Lovely read

Dani Thank you again Dani for your input and your inspiration.

Steve

[Siren]

I'm flattered to have inspired such beauty. Thank you Steve... Your work seems to click something in me and I find myself aching to look deeper into it.

Always a pleasure to delve in.

Dani

Ps: so glad to be of help

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Dani, Thank you. You snuck in on me here while i was over in the PM section writing a reply back to you there...lol. You are more than welcome to go delving, and ask questions. But there might be a quiz later, so take notes...lol.

Take care
Steve