A Tainted Monday Night (Revision 4), free verse (tweaked too) Options

[Maggie]

A Tainted Monday Night (Revision 4)

Loud,
rowdy,
vulgar curses
bludgeon
night's serenity.

Outside my window
a young punk and
a two-dollar-tart
argue
over stolen quarters.

The crescent moon's glow
loses its charm.
Crickets cease
their soothing sounds.

I want to scream!

Peggy Carpenter Harwood



A Tainted Monday Night (Revision 3)

Loud,
florid,
vulgar curses
and epithets
bludgeon
night's serenity.

Outside my window
a young punk and
a disheveled two-dollar-tart
argue
over stolen quarters.

The crescent moon's glow
turns into a brilliant blush.

Cowering, cringing crickets cease
their soothing sounds.

I want to scream!

Peggy Carpenter Harwood




Lost Generation (Revision 2)

Loud,
florid,
vulgar curses
and epithets
bludgeon
night's serenity.

Outside my window
a young punk and
a disheveled two-dollar-tart
argue
over stolen quarters.

The crescent moon's glow
has lost its charm.

Crickets cease
their soothing sounds.

I want to scream!

Peggy Carpenter Harwood



Disruption (Revision 1)

Loud,
vulgar curses
stab
into the night's serenity.

Punks are arguing
over stolen money
in front of my home.

The cresent moon's glow
has lost its charm.

No longer
do I hear the crickets.

I want to scream!

Peggy Carpenter Harwood



Lost Generation (Original Version)

Punks feud
in the dark
in front of my house.

Florid cursing
stabs the night's serenity.

Epithets flourish.
Another lost generation.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

[Arnfinn]

Hmmm... Peg, pretty much of a spoilt evening.

The second version is much better.

Loud,
vulgar curses
stab <<< to much of a fragmentation of the whole stanza.
into the night's serenity.

My choice
V

Loud vulgar curses, stab, into the night's <<< I'd get rid of 'stab'. You have an opening here for a far more dramatic word.
serenity,

Punks are arguing
over stolen money
in front of my home.

My choice,

Punks,
dishevelled, roughcast, <<< My idea, enhancement.
are arguing over money in front of my <<< Unless, you confirm the moneys stolen (in your poem). Don't say 'it is'. Assumptions in poetry don't work for the reader.
home.

It would make your poem, more intersting, if you did bring in some verbals re, the 'stolen money.' 'whooooee 1000 dollars' etc.



The cresent moon's glow <<< From here down
has lost its charm.<<<

No longer<<<
do I hear the crickets.<<<

I want to scream <<< think all this is good. Sets rthe mood.

You can make this poem, much more interesting Peg.

At the moment, its a bit too thin.

Regards,

John.

[Maggie]

Hi John,

Thanks so much for the great imput!! You're right on target when you say this is thin and needs enhancing! Back to the drawing board for me!

Peggy

[Psyche]

Hi Peggy!

Just spotted this interesting piece, lucky me. I can certainly emphasize, since I live in the sprawling city of Buenos Aires... full of drugged, drunken 'tribes' of youths. So sad, really, isn't it? Lately, they even use deadly weapons, plus a new fashion: whippings, lashings, punchings, all supposedly for fun....wow, what a world.

John has already made some highly useful points (IMO). I'll see whether I can add anything, for you to take or toss, Peg.


Disruption (Revision 1)

Dunno, Peggy, but I think I prefer 'Lost Generation' for the title.


Loud,
vulgar curses
stab
into the night's serenity.

As it's a minimalist poem, I don't mind its starkness. Perhaps it can go even more minimalist, maybe:

Loud,
vulgar curses
stab
night's serenity.

Punks are arguing
over stolen money
in front of my home.

S2 could be tweaked a little, to match S1. Maybe:

Beneath my window,
punks argue
over stolen money.

The cresent moon's glow Typo: crescent moon.
has lost its charm.

No longer
do I hear the crickets.

Since you were previously talking about the 'night's serenity', maybe you could include the word 'dawn' somewhere, to show that you've spent a sleepless night. Isn't it weird how drunks can go on talking FOREVER.... ugh!

Maybe:

No longer
do I hear the crickets call, Or: chipper, chirrup, chitter.
from dusk till dawn.

I want to scream!

Excellent finale, Peggy!!! So realistic, so true....from the guts. I hope this is just a poem, or that the problem of the punks has gone away from your life.

Hugs, Syl***
PS: BTW, I just peeked at the Original, and I find it has some good vocabulary that might be saved, but I have to rush now....mmmm....

[Maggie]

Hi Syl,

Thanks for your fine imput too!! I'm getting some ideas and mulling them over!!

Peggy

[Thoth]

This takes me back some 36 years when starting work in the city I lived in a slummy flat in a dodgy area. The hookers would have have the most horrendous fights over territory on the street just below my window. They would do unspeakable thing to each other, the victims left seaming and wailing the night through.
It's taking shape nicely Peggy and you have a lot of ideas to work with. I will just toss a few keywords into the mix to tease the muse.
"Cringing crickets
cower in shame,
the moon turns
a blushing face
argue drunkardly"

Hugs, Wally

[Maggie]

Hi Wally,

Thanks for the great suggestions! I do love "cringing crickets cower!"

Peggy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Peggy, I really like the direction this is going. The third version, with the 'two dollar tart' is fantastically funny to me for some unknown reason...I think the 'Lost Generation' Title lacks something now than from the original verse. I don't think 'Disruption' fits either....hmmm. Maybe 'Disturbance in the Night'? Unfortunately a lot of cities world wide are experiencing this madness of youth gangs and violence...too many rats in the box. A sorry note on todays ways of life and living. But a great piece.
Steve

[Maggie]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your great comments!! I agree the world is getting worse in regard to the younger generation! I also think neither title fits!!! What about "Punk-n-Tart"? Ha! You've spurred my muse! I just might use it!

Peggy

[Arnfinn]

hI, Peg,


Loud,
florid, <<< Florid, does nothing for me. You need an enhancement between (loud and vulgar). In poetry, when you make a statement, in this case 'loud' with a third statement 'vulgar.' The word or line between must be in tune with both statements. If not, no interest.
vulgar curses

Eg, going along with the vulgar sound of things.

Loud,
uncouth,
vulgar curses

or

with loud dominance

Loud,
rowdy,
vulgar curses

No magic here. Just the use of a Thesaurus. Notice the difference.




and epithets
bludgeon <<< here again. You have 'epithets' the 1st statement and 'serenty' the 3rd. Instead of 'bludgeon', open your thesaurus at 'shatter' or 'disparage.'

night's serenity.

Outside my window <<< From here
a young punk and <<<
a disheveled two-dollar-tart <<<
argue <<<
over stolen quarters. <<< To here Is great. Sets the mood and imagery.

The crescent moon's glow
turns into a brilliant blush. <<< I LIKE THIS

Cowering, cringing crickets cease <<< Not so keen. Got to use reality! How would crickets react? Noise... Crickets, moove to silence. They don't cower or cringe. They become aware... and shut down.

their soothing sounds.

I want to scream!


Regards,

John

[Maggie]

Hi John, thanks for more great feedback!! Much appreciated!!

Peggy

[Arnfinn]

Hi Peg. I like.


Though you can still fiddle around and tweak.


Your poem is--Free verse conventional.


The modern style-- is Abstract

Les Murray, An Australian modern poet writes both. Mainly abstract. Murray, is the most respected Australian poet and stylist at the moment.

Abstract- Murray.

Flowering Eucalypt In Autumn -1st Stanza.


That slim creek out of the sky
the dried-blood western gum tree
is all stir in its high reaches. <<< This stanza, is original, and spectacular. More so, as you continue to read the poem.



Conventional.

The Sleepout

Childhood sleeps in a verandah room
in an iron bed close to the wall
where the winter over the railing
swelled the blind on its timber room.


Though, I suspect. I suspect> the modern free verse ( Abstract ) is subject to formal poetry readings.


I wrote a Poem recently; Rendezvous, where I had to explain the opening verse ( abstract).


Regards,


John

[Maggie]

Hi again John,

Thanks so much for all the help!!! I very much appreciate it!!



Peggy

[Arnfinn]

Hi,

Today, is the era of modernism. Where 'open form' or free verse is the orthodoxy.

Poetry is not the same as music with the practising, of scales and other exercises. One could never learn to play a piano on inspiration alone.

The writing of Open form poetry and free verse rely on inspiration and observation. There are no teaching techniques.

Creedence Clearwater, sings a song 'Have You Ever Seen The Rain.' Sure, the song lyrics have repeated lines and a bit of rhyme, but also free verse. The rhythm behind the lyrics, and the words, makes my hair stand on end.

Its this sort of experience that strikes like a religious awareness.
An awareness, to write.


Regards,

John

[Maggie]

Hi John,

I like "Who'll Stop the Rain" too. Always have. I'd agree that the lyrics have elements of free verse in them, but the notes and rhythm are pretty traditional to my ear.

I'm a relatively new and inexperienced writer but a very experienced reader. I've been busy earlier in life with a job teaching and children, although I spent a great, great deal of my time studying and reading rhythm and rhyme poetry too. Personally my favorite poets are British and American poets-Frost, Longfellow, Emily Dickinson, Whittier, Poe, and of course Shakespeare. I tend to favor "fixed form." Maybe I have no business trying to write free verse.

Sounds as if we're from two different planets, doesn't it? Nevertheless, I do indeed enjoy learning more about free verse from you!! Thanks so much for the free verse help and the especially interesting theory. I hope to hear more of it when you have the time and inclination!!

And thanks for the great help with the poem!!

Peggy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Peggy, I think with your forth revision, You have finally captured the essence and soul of your poem. JMHO, as you wrote to John in your last reply. I feel you have every business to be writing free verse, I wrote ryhme poetry for a long time before I even found free verse, not ryhme to any form or specialty but just ryhme, I feel so much more comfortable writing free verse and am able to express more with it than I can with ryhme. I think you have a very good hand at free verse. Please keep writing it, as you progress it will just get better.
Steve

[Eisa]

Hi Peggy - this is fascinating poem, which has improved with every revision. I felt I was there as you have written the scene so vividly.

Loud,
rowdy,
vulgar curses
and epithets
shatter
night's serenity.

Great start with the sounds 'Loud, rowdy'

I wonder if one of your other revisions words might be more original in the last lines as 'stab' or bludgeon' are not as cliched as 'shatter' - just a thought.

Outside my window
a young punk and
a disheveled two-dollar-tart
argue
over stolen quarters.

I love the description' two-dollar tart'

The crescent moon's glow
turns into a brilliant blush.
Crickets cease
their soothing sounds.

I love how you've given the feeling of dawn, without actually mentioning it - crickets ceasing their soothing sounds - perhaps it is the sun that turn's to a brilliant blush?

I want to scream!

Perhaps - inside I scream!

This is really brilliant Peggy!

Snow

[Maggie]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for the encouragement!! I do like the freedom of expression in free verse very much! And oh I was NOT thinking of giving it up!

I've had some excellent suggestions and help on this especially from Thoth and Arnfinn! This site fosters, aids, and ignites creative juices, doesn't it?

Peggy

[Maggie]

Hi Snow,

I'm glad you like how this is coming along! As I told Steve, I've had some great help from Thoth and Arifinn.

I'm glad you brought up "stab," "bludgeon," and "shatter." I'm planning on having a short, paper-back book of some of my poems printed and I've already used "shatter," in another free-verse poem that will be in there! I was very, very angry when I was writing this poem's first several drafts and in that mood I picked "stab" and then "bludgeon." My most accurate word (when angry especially) is "bludgeon," so I might go back to it.

Thank you so much for your kind and very helpful opinions! Oh, and thanks for the praise of "two-dollar tart"! I'm right proud of that expression myself!! Ha!!

Peggy

[Eisa]

Hi Peggy - and so you should be proud too!

I really like bludgeon in that line - so thumbs up!

Snow