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Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 28 07, 11:00

Stimulus: A fragment from Kit Smart's Jubilate Agno:

"For I will consider my Cat Jeoffry.
For he is the servant of the Living God duly and daily serving him.
For at the first glance of the glory of God in the East he worships in his way.
For this is done by wreathing his body seven times round with elegant quickness.
For then he leaps up to catch the musk, which is the blessing of God upon his prayer.
For he rolls upon prank to work it in...."




Jeoffry

He is sleek unto himself,
blending onyx and brilliance.

Seven - that magic number -
seven times he wreaths
his agile frame to the East,
ascends on haunch hopes;
no more, no less.

Toward latent stars he arcs
in complementary prayer,
and sheaths his domain with
spindrifts of nature’s musk.

Friends frolic in the grassy knoll
to mark their place in society
then yield to his presence: exercising
their position in his kingdom.

He crouches low and slowly
advances amongst his
camouflaged backdrop;
a transient salutation
that shadows pranks of the day…

then quietly sneaks back
to the comfort of a cushy couch
and moons himself to sleep.

A god made unto himself,
he blends onyx and brilliance.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter



Original:

He is sleek upon himself,
blending onyx with brilliance.

Seven - that magic number -
seven times he wreaths
his agile frame to the East,
ascending on haunch hopes;
no more, no less.

Toward latent stars he arcs,
and sheaths his domain
with the musk of nature’s scent.

Friends frolic in the grassy knoll
marking their place in society,
yielding his presence, exercising
their position in his kingdom.

A god made unto himself,
he ponders the pranks of today…
then quietly sneaks back
to the comforts of a cushy couch
and suns himself to sleep.

He is sleek upon himself,
blending onyx with brilliance.

Posted by: bbnixon May 30 07, 06:04

Hi Lori,

I loved this when I read in the flash challenge.. I guess my only nit is the "ings"...perhaps look to see if any of those can be replaced....I love this poem....

:) brenda

Posted by: Eisa May 30 07, 07:09

Hi Lori

This is wonderful -- I have read it a few times before replying as I can find nothing to change. It is tightly well written. The only suggestion I can make at present is tightening

marking their place in society,

to
marking their society placement/position,


I love many lines, but especially

to the comforts of a cushy couch

This has been a pleasure to read.

Snow

Posted by: Judi May 30 07, 09:55

Hi Lori....Love this poem and can relate to it. I had a cat named inky who could be this cat...

I wondered if your first lline "He is sleek upon himself," could be "unto himself "

I know you have used "unto himself" later in the poem, but "upon" somehow doesn't sound as good as "unto" in that first line...maybe some kind of change there? I have no other concerns...Judi

Posted by: Psyche May 30 07, 11:59

Hi Lori!
Love this one! Of course, I can't resist anything about cats! Mine is Siamese, and the best cat in the world, natch'!!!! She's called Scarlett...

Great poem about your cat, beautifully written. As you see, hardly any nits, and they're probably not valid, anyhow....toss or use! Thanks for the great read.
Sylvia ***

Posted by: AMETHYST May 30 07, 22:18

Woooo Hoooo You! Excellent response to the stimulus, and also, the stimulus was an excellent source of inspiration. Whoever chose it, give them a cheers! Lori, you really haven't left much to complain about in this. First you've made use of words offering a dual intent... such as in L1, I loved your use of sleek upon himself, excellent. And in L6, '... haunch hopes ... again, brilliant word choices and usage.

Some other thoughts and comments to follow ... Hope my visit here is useful... I so enjoyed reading this poem.

Best wishes, and big hugs, Liz

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 9 07, 05:55

Thanks everyone for your most thoughtful commentary!

I apologize for such a late response - I'm in a tizzy at present at work as it's the final two weeks of a two year 'major systems project' at Bose that I've been the lead on for one of the most complex portions of the system (our end-consumer installment billing processes), which is all custom code and I've given it a RED (hard stop) to the steering committee last Monday. As a result, a critical I/S team was put together to work with me and my team - hey, they even bought us lunch yesterday, LOL (even after my kicking it's butt *in not so friendly words, LOL* and we're working pretty much 24/7 right now through this coming week. I'm actually heading back in now and have 3 programmers, 3 accountants and 4 billing and collections specialists awaiting my 'tests and validations for today'. Sigh = long story and I'm CERTAIN there will be a poem or two when this is over, but in any event - I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your comments and patience as I struggle through this next week.


Bebe - yes, all those 'ings' need a tweak or two, I agree - do you have suggestions that might guide me?

Snow - I was using a play on words with 'marking' as cats 'spray' their territories - I'll think on that one further. I'm glad you enjoyed the journey!

Judi - Haha, a cat named 'Inky' how cool! I like your suggestion but will then need a substitute for 'A god made unto himself, he ponders the pranks of today…' so it doesn't repeat again.

Sylvia - I love that name too - Scarlett, how lovely! I used to have a lilac point siamese named 'Lucie' after the comedian, Ms. Ball. She was a great cat, but sadly passed away from FIP at only 7 months old. I may not keep that repeat of 'seven' there and will ponder that further when working on the revision. This was a flash response, so not about 'my cat'. Although, Peter and I have been thinking of adding 2 to our family. I used to have 2 when I was married years ago, BP (before Pete) which inspired this poem.

Liz - Glad you enjoyed and thanks so much for the IBPC nomination - I'll be working on some revisions and will ask you all for your honest feedback soon - so may perhaps defer this one to next month if time comes up too quickly if that would be ok. I'm thinking I might need one more stanza before the ending to show the movement from 'play outdoors' back to 'snoozing indoors'?

Thanks again all!
~Cleo

Posted by: Psyche Jun 11 07, 10:34

My very best wishes for your Bose proyect, Lori dear!!! May everything turn out magnificently.

Having said that, please remember that POETRY is better for one's health: less stressful, more flexible, total freedom of expression and, with luck, a pretty plaque or a world-renowned prize!!None of which will make anybody rich, not usually, but is SO good for one's spiritual well-being.

I'm looking forward to your quick return to the poetry forums, perhaps with a new form? A sort of follow-up to your Swap Quatrain? YES!!!

Big hugs & more congrats!
Syl ***

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 16 07, 09:40

Hi Brenda,

Thanks - this was a fun one to write! I've just posted the first revision and have cut down from 7 to 3 on the 'ings'. I've also added a new stanza. Hope you like the revision!

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 16 07, 09:47

Hi Snow.

Thank you! I had fun with it! I made a change to that line so it now reads: to mark their place in society. Cushy couches for everyone!

Glad you enjoyed - hope you liek the revision.

~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 16 07, 10:06

Hi Judi.

Yes, I think if someone reads this that is, or was, a cat owner, they will hopefully smile and think, "I think I know this cat!"

Inky - what a neat name! I hadn't heard of that one before. I had a black oriental shorthair named 'Nayla' long ago - she was such fun! She loved to play 'fetch' with fake mice. She literally would paw at my feet to get me to toss them about - she'd run, catch them and then bring them back and drop them at my feet. If I didn't acknowledge her presence, she'd paw at my feet and if I still ignored her, she'd get vocal. We also had an Abyssinian, "Molly", who would start out chasing those mice too, but would lose interest and so Nayla had all the fun. What fun that was! Makes me contemplate getting one or two now. It's been a long while since we've had pets.

I've made that change from 'upon; to 'unto' and some other changes too. I agree, it sounds better as 'unto'.

Thanks!
~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 16 07, 10:26

Hello Sylvia!

I love siamese cats! My heart was broken as I had purchased a lilac point many years ago back in '95 (before I got divorced in '98 and then met Peter in '99) along with 'Nayla' a black orinetal shorthair. I had them spayed at 6 months of age and Lucy never seemed to really recover from it. We ended up bringing her to Tufts Vet. Hospital a few weeks later and she had to be put down as she had FIP. Nayla never got it (or if she did, she must have been immune to it). It was so heart-breaking!!!!! I can't imagine if we had her for several years....

He is sleek upon himself,
blending onyx with brilliance.
Not sure about 'upon'...somebody suggested 'unto'?
Yes, I've made the change there.


Seven - that magic number - Do you need L1, Lori? No - but I like the emphasis of it.
seven times he wreaths
his agile frame to the East,
ascending on haunch hopes; Cool!!! Thankies!
no more, no less.

Toward latent stars he arcs,
and sheaths his domain
with the musk of nature’s scent.
Lovely stanza, Lori.
Thanks Sylvia - I hope you like the slight tweak I made to it in the revision.

Friends frolic in the grassy knoll
marking their place in society,
yielding his presence, exercising
their position in his kingdom.
Just so!

A god made unto himself,
he ponders the pranks of today…
then quietly sneaks back
to the comforts of a cushy couch
and suns himself to sleep.
HAHA....very good, Lori!
Thanks Sylvia - I made a few changes here too.


Great poem about your cat, beautifully written. As you see, hardly any nits, and they're probably not valid, anyhow....toss or use! Thanks for the great read.
Sylvia ***

Thanks Sylvia - this was a fiction writing from the recent flash, but I did draw on experience as you can guess. Glad you enjoyed - and hope you enjoy the revision too!

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 16 07, 10:34

Hi Liz.

Thanks so much - it WAS a fun stimulus by JaxMyth. Glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks - I've made changes to this stanza and dumped 'scent', replaced with 'musk'. Hope you like it.

YES, thank you! I've made that change!

YES, thank you, that reads better too! I've made that change!

Yeppers, I ditched that 's' on comfort. Then I realized it is night, so changed suns to moons for dual meaning again.


Thanks so much Liz - I made a tweak to the ending couplet, still somewhat of a repeat of the opening with a slight change. Glad you stopped by!

~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 16 07, 10:57

Hello Sylvia.

Thanks for your well-wishes. I had set 11am as the deadline for completion yesterday as I only had 2 testers (including me) and 2 system support persons there to finish up yesterday. At 10:40, we completed the montrous undertaking and then I sent a memo to many key people to let them know the results and that Installment Billing was now a 'go'. I gave my team special recognition in the memo, stating that I was pleased and proud to have worked with such a passionate team of professionals and extended my sincere thanks. I could not have done this without them and the support of their managers.

Unfortunately, my chest cold has worstened because I pushed myself beyond the limits my body could handle working too many hours (being sick and run down) under intense pressure and stress and not resting. If IB wasn't resolved the project would have been pushed out and there was no way that could have happened (long story). I'm staying in all weekend and hope I can get some relief from the coughing and mucus (YUCK) but I think I may end up at the doc's early next week for anti-biotics. I HATE taking them! They make me feel weird.

Yes, I'd love to immerse myself in POETRY all weekend and hope it's magic can work wonders..... Not sure on a new form, but perhaps can coax my muse into a new poem or two?

As for the recognition, I had several conversations with my manager/director yesterday and it's all good! Many high-level folks have been emailing and meeting with her about my leadership role and passion etc. during the entire project and especially in crisis mode the past 3 weeks that she shared with me. I said I wouldn't cave, no matter what, if I didn't think the code was top-notch and working as designed to 100% satifaction. I expect nothing less, nor should anyone else that will be affected by these changes. It was a tough place to be in, but they relied on that stance, and chose me to lead it because that is how I approach these types of things. Sometimes, though, one has to settle for less - but we were lucky. I know there will be issues when we go live on July 2nd, but that is normal in any huge systems project - I anticipate a stabilization period of 6 months. Luckily, it'll be a hand-off to another department, LOL!

Time to relax and kick back for a bit.......

HUGS Syl!
~Cleo

Posted by: bbnixon Jun 17 07, 07:08

Hi Lori,

I have such a weakness for cats. Sorry it took me so long to get back, I started another 30 day poem challenge somewhere else, and I need to quit doing them....I seem to love to write, and hate to workshop. This year I have written 200 poems and workshopped maybe 15. I am awful. I loved this poem the first time, and I love the revision. Seven to three on the ings is quite impressive, I would say you are cooking...or You cook!!! Just teasing...I have a couple of minor things, will put them in blue




Jeoffry

He is sleek unto himself,
blending onyx and brilliance.

Seven - that magic number -
seven times he wreaths
his agile frame to the East,
ascending on haunch hopes; (I think you can use ascends )
no more, no less.

Toward latent stars he arcs
in complementary prayer,
and sheaths his domain with
spindrifts of nature’s musk. (Love this addition)

Friends frolic in the grassy knoll
to mark their place in society
then yield to his presence: exercising
their position in his kingdom.

He crouches low and slowly
advances amongst his
camouflaged backdrop;
a transient salutation
that shadows the pranks of the day…

then quietly sneaks back
to the comfort of a cushy couch
and moons himself to sleep.

A god made unto himself,
he blends onyx and brilliance.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter


I enjoyed it very much.....

hope your day is very good

:) brenda

Posted by: Orion Jun 17 07, 14:11

Lori,

I enjoyed reading your poem and varied responses. The only thing I questioned in this occurred in Stanza 5. Would you possibly delete 'the' in front of the word pranks?

What a pleasure to read. I have 2 cats and can visualize and imagine this kingdom.
Great work.

Jan

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 19 07, 05:31

Hi Brenda.

No worries - I'm thankful you've come back! WOw, I appluad you - I don't think I can muster the stamina to do a 30 day poem challenge - good luck with it! I hope you'll share some of those 200 poems with us!

Yes, perhaps 'ascends' works - I'm just not certain as I favor ascending more - seems to read to me more like a full sentence and not quite as choppy as 'ascends' sounds somehow? I'll need to think on it more.

Seven - that magic number -
seven times he wreaths
his agile frame to the East,
ascending on haunch hopes;
no more, no less.

Seven - that magic number -
seven times he wreaths
his agile frame to the East,
ascends on haunch hopes;
no more, no less.

Oh, I'm glad you like the changes I've made to the next stanza too - I love that word 'spindrifts'. Thanks so much!

Have a freat day!
~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 19 07, 05:33

Hello Jan!

Nice to see you in my tile. Let's see how that would read:

He crouches low and slowly
advances amongst his
camouflaged backdrop;
a transient salutation
that shadows pranks of the day…

Yes, that would work too! Glad you enjoyed this one and could relate to it having cats yourself. They certainly DO have their own kingdoms and we are just mere slaves to them......

Thanks and cheers!
~Cleo

Posted by: AMETHYST Jul 1 07, 19:14

Congratulations Lori,


Best Wishes - and Big Hugs .... Liz

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 7 07, 09:08

Thanks very much Liz!