Just Looking** with 2nd tweak, Sonnet Options

[Larry]

Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach
as though Monet’s pastels had been applied

before that sequined shroud’s perceived embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, erased of any twilight trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed obeisantly in death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies are mete
as tide leaves bits of stardust near my feet.


S1/L4 did read:
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

S2/L3 did read:
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,

S3/L1 did read:
until they bowed in obeisant death



-----------------



Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells; painting them mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

before that sequined shroud’s coming embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies were mete
as tide left bits of stardust near my feet.






Note: quotidian, for those needing to look it up, means a common day to day occurrence.

[Blank_Canvas]

I enjoyed the pretty images this left in my mind eye...nicely written.

[Merlin]

Hello Larry,

As you know, I don't do much here anymore, and pending housecleaning, time will tell...

To your sonnet, it's filled with wondrous images and well crafted. I have 2 little things, to go with your 2 stars >>

1st, L3 kneads some touch-up, methinks. I'm not bothered by the bump, but can think of a few improvements. My choice would be to remove the semi-c, since the following phrase isn't stand-alone anyway, and continue from "swells" by describing the mauve & peach. I have a perfect word in mind, starts with "M" and means "dim". Of course, that will add one more "in..." if you can live with that.

2nd - your volta is 2 lines too soon.

Fussy Felix,

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

What a lovely image you've presented here!

I too agree with Eric re L3 as I feel the word painting is causing a bump there. You could easily fix with a sub or something like 'through gentle swells in hues of mauve and peach.

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells; painting them mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

I leave the volta for the sonneteer masters, lol! i still am afraid of this form!

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Another lovely sonnet with beautiful imagery.

Like Merlin, I stumbled on L3. This is a suggestion but might change meaning a little.

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells that paint them mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried


This is just a quick visit - I'll try & call again.

Snow

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Larry...

This is a pleasant piece of music to my ears after some long silence here. It has some wonderful word pictures. I too found a couple of bumps, but I'll wait to comment much further until you have wrestled with the small matters that have already been given to you, since I am in accord with their observations, and you deserve time to comment on them.

I've never been one to be much concerned about where my 'volta' falls, but that I'm a revolta from way back, as you know! Part of the comes from not "getting" the reasons for the 'proper' placement of the same, so I'm open to instruction and explanation!

deLighting in the interchange so far, Daniel

[Larry]

Wow!!! Instead of two or three days, all this in less than 12 hours? Thank you all for your visits and your input.

Hi Marcia,
Thanks for the read and the nice words.

Hi Merlin, thanks for catching the misplaced “s-c”. I’ll change that. I have been working on this piece a bit while off-line and made a few changes. As far as the “early” volta, I’ve read and researched a lot of sonnet forms or their variants and with each, I get the impression that the “turn” has no real chiseled-in-stone rule except for the original Italian form and even the rule of thumb for the volta in that form is “usually around L9 between the octave and the sestet”. In the Shakespearian Sonnet, the volta can fall anywhere between L9 and L13. The Bowlesian sonnets also share this volta placement. I think Shelly in his poem “Ozymandias” placed his volta at L9 but it has been argued that this is also where he switches from past to present tense. I’m not a total purist of form poetry because there are probably 40-50 different sonnet types with different rhyme schemes, volta positioning, couplet requirements, etc. and I would drive myself crazy trying to conform to loosely worded stipulations. Anyway, thanks for the visit and I hope you enjoy the edits.

Hello Lori,
If you’ll notice, S2L2 already uses “hue” in the rhyme scheme. Can’t use it before the rhyme or twice in the same sonnet. ‘T wouldn’t do!


Hi Snow,
Glad you dropped in and “painted” is gone in the edit. I’m happy that you enjoyed the imagery.

Okay Daniel,

I’m eagerly awaiting your crits and observations on the bumps but am happy you have the same feelings about the volta. I’ve tried, in the above paragraph to Merlin, to explain my placement of the volta in this poem (mine aren’t always in the same place) and a few points of reasoning.

To all, pardon the classroom instructions. Hope you all like the changes!

Larry

[JustDaniel]

Greetings again, my fair fellow sonneteer!

I see that you addressed the 'painting' bump. Merlin noted that you only 'ask' or 'hint' for minimal critique (as though you wanted us to be only slightly more than Just Looking ?, in that you only attached two *'s, so I didn't want to be specific with the crit, but since your actions belie that number, I'll go on. Okay? (as though you could answer!)

Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach.
[ I think that something like ...

through gentle swells with muted mauve and peach.

might do your original picture a little more justice, if I had read it correctly ? ]
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried [ or...

It seemed the evening sun's last beams had cried ? ]

before that sequined shroud’s perceived embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues. [ These 2 lines are much, much better, methinks !! ]
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
[ 'now robbed... reflected' and also 'of any twilight's trace' both seem awkward to my ear ? ]
reflected stars in iridescent blues
until they bowed in obeisant death [ Methinks you're mispronouncing 'obeisant'; it = 'oh-bee-sant'... so perhaps:

until they bowed obeisant in their death ? ]
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate. [ This is the most severe bump... plus I had to look up the word before I saw your footnote beneath your original! ... so if you continue to use it, perhaps:

guides mirrored queues quotidian in fate. ? ]

No answers or epiphanies are mete
as tide leaves bits of stardust near my feet.

I love your ending!

deLighting to share with this mob, Daniel

-----------------
Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells; painting them mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

before that sequined shroud’s coming embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies were mete
as tide left bits of stardust near my feet.

Note: quotidian, for those needing to look it up, means a common day to day occurrence.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Larry ... Yippee ...

Your poetry is truly something I have missed while away. This brought me back to days in my teenage years when I took such notice of gloriful colors, sounds and images that mesmerized me. I thought your title was most fitting. "Just Looking" gave me a sense of youth, and awareness - taking in all that is given.

I especially liked your change to 'infused' ...

The word 'vestiges' is a remarkable find for me. I must admit, I was drawn to the sound, and had to look it up. Upon learning its meaning, I was astonished that such an awesome word has slipped by me all these years. I will be borrowing that for a poem down the road ... and thank you so much for sharing it.

I've always thought that is where a proper turn should come. The ending couplet is your punch. Your ending couplet ties your opening stanzas together, turns to reveal that unexpected view and then kicks with a wonderful couplet that completes the journey as a whole. This is done quite well.



Hugs, Liz

Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

before that sequined shroud’s perceived embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies are mete
as tide leaves bits of stardust near my feet.

I so enjoyed this!!! Best Wishes, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,
That't it! Lovely changes here below! FAB!!!!!!

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach.

Cheers,
~Cleo

Hello Lori,
If you’ll notice, S2L2 already uses “hue” in the rhyme scheme. Can’t use it before the rhyme or twice in the same sonnet. ‘T wouldn’t do!

and a few points of reasoning.

To all, pardon the classroom instructions. Hope you all like the changes!

Larry

[Arnfinn]

G'day Larry

I'm a bit rusty these days.

Spenserian?

14 lines (iam)


Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

before that sequined shroud’s perceived embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies are mete
as tide leaves bits of stardust near my feet.

Terrific imagery.
Show me where I'm wrong; again I'm rusty and the following must be allowable.


until/ they bowed/ in ob/ eisant/ death ?/

Your poem reads well-- is beautiful.


John

[Larry]

Hi All,

Thanks for dropping in for a read and your comments.

Daniel, still working on your nits and crits.

Lori, glad you enjoyed the change but I have been working on the poem and have made a few more changes which I hope meet with your approval.

Liz,
It is always a delight to have you comment on my sonnets. I walk around with a "big head" and extremely inflated ego for a few days following your praise. You are more than welcome for "vestige". I've always thought it to be a wonderfully descriptive word for the "rest of" nearly anything.

John,
Thanks for the read and comments. I'm working on the mentioned "line". As far as this being Spenserian, it is not. Spenserian rhyme scheme is: abab bcbc cdcd ee. Although it is similar in format, this leans more to the Shakespearian.

I will be back as soon as I have satisfied myself with the changes I'm working on and hopefully please all who visit. I shouldn't even think that because you can never please everyone.

Larry

[AMETHYST]

Well deserved praise!!! Your poetry makes me want to write again and write well. I read it and see such excellence and your topics are most often unique and original. I admire your works so much, that they are inspiring to me - to 'want' to be that good!!!!

Blessings to you, Liz

Liz,
It is always a delight to have you comment on my sonnets. I walk around with a "big head" and extremely inflated ego for a few days following your praise. You are more than welcome for "vestige". I've always thought it to be a wonderfully descriptive word for the "rest of" nearly anything.

[JustDaniel]

Looking forward to what you're reworking, Larry....

and by the way, I too am pleased to have Liz back on the boards, because she reminds me about how encouraging I AM NOT at times, when I'm honing in on something that doesn't sound right to me... 'cause I often forget to comment what DOES sound right in the process.

It's a slap in the face to me -- a good one, I mean, like the old, "Thanks! I needed that!" So, Thanks, Liz. We need you around here!

deLighted with the wake-up, Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi again Larry

A big thumbs up to 'infuse' - I really like that change.


On reading through again I am just wondering about

until they bowed in obeisant death

I've just checked and obeisant is 3 syllables, leaving you a syllable short, but I'm sure you'll find a way round this.

Snow

[Larry]

Hi Liz, Snow & Daniel,

Sorry it’s taken so long to get back. I hope I’ve answered or addressed all the “bumps”, “crits” and nits. If not, let me know.

Here are my thought processes.

I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach.

[ I think that something like ... through gentle swells with muted mauve and peach.]

Changing the line in this manner gives me the idea that you feel I am trying to assign the colors to the “vestiges of day”. Perhaps I might use “of muted mauve and peach” which the reader can assign to either the “vestiges” or the “swells” or both. The descriptive terms: “of muted mauve and peach” and “infused with mauve and peach” give me similar mind pictures whereas “with muted mauve and peach” seems to point more to the “vestiges of day” as opposed to the “swells’ ” colors which was my original intent.

It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

[ or... It seemed the evening sun's last beams had cried ? ]

I’ve moved in a completely different direction. See the tweak with this inserted line:
“as though Monet’s pastels had been applied”

Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,

[ 'now robbed... reflected' and also 'of any twilight's trace' both seem awkward to my ear ? ]

Changed to:
Dark waves, erased of any twilight trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death

[Methinks you're mispronouncing 'obeisant']

I was mispronouncing it but that’s an easy fix:
until they bowed obeisantly in death

guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

[ This is the most severe bump... plus I had to look up the word before I saw your footnote beneath your original! ... so if you continue to use it, perhaps: guides mirrored queues quotidian in fate.]

If you replace “quotidian” with its synonymous meanings “recurrent” and/or “daily” your suggestion would read:
“guide mirrored queues daily in fate” thus losing fate’s adjective. I would also change the meaning of waves being guided to their daily fate and not “in fate”. Whereas, if left the way it now reads: “guide mirrored queues to daily fate” would be grammatically correct.

I’ll just leave that line like it is.
Hope everyone enjoys the changes but if not, I’ll still consider constructive nits and crits. I, myself, am satisfied. Hope you are too!

Larry

[Eisa]

Nice revisions Larry

Snow