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> A meeting of minds (revised)
greenwich
post Dec 18 15, 16:26
Post #1


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Real Name: Antony Glaser
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Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy



A meeting of minds

Revision
My heart is on fire.
I tirelessly burn after realising
my feelings equates
to falling under your spell.


ORIGINAL

My heart is on fire.
I tirelessly burn after
the realisation my feelings equates
makes me fall under your spell.


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Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
 
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K.S. Lenk
post Dec 19 15, 11:05
Post #2


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Real Name: Krista van der Steen
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I love 'one-liners' like this, but punctuation and spelling are failing you at the moment.

'My feelings equates makes me fall under your spell'?? Equates is not a noun surely?

Sorry.

Regards,
K
 
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greenwich
post Dec 19 15, 12:11
Post #3


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Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy



Thank you Krista


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Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
 
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Eisa
post Dec 21 15, 15:30
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Real Name: Eira Needham
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Referred By:Lori



I like the revision Antony - it flows much better.

Just one thought 'under your spell' is a bit cliché.

Eira

Revision
My heart is on fire.
I tirelessly burn after realising
my feelings equates
to falling under your spell.




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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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AMETHYST
post Dec 21 15, 18:57
Post #5


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Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hello Greenwich,

Nice to meet you. I am Amethyst, otherwise known as Liz (some on the internet might know me as poetprncess) I liked the meaning in your intent. I liked the simplicity and concise. It is the type of poem that with the right words can say so much, with such power in such little words.

The premise of fire/burn and other references that heighten that can bring this more toward the metaphor. Some suggestions, and please feel free to use or lose anything for your consideration.

Otherwise, I do like this. It is a small gem, that packs large imagery.

Best to you, Liz


QUOTE (greenwich @ Dec 18 15, 16:26 ) *
A meeting of minds

Revision
My heart is on fire.
I tirelessly burn after realising
my feelings equates
to falling under your spell.

[b]L1. The word hearth wants to jump out. My heart is a hearth or My heart, like a hearth /
L2, you might want to omit the I. Starting L2 with tirelessly burns (to bring the fire into the hearth) and feeds your metaphor.
L3. I am not sure of your meaning for equates. My suggestion here is to develop the fire/heat/burning images -
Such as:

my feelings, your tinder
scattered among your runes (runes are fortune telling tiles and A POEM OR SAYING OF MYSTICAL MEANING TO CREATE A SPELL.)



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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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