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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ A meeting of minds (revised)

Posted by: greenwich Dec 18 15, 16:26

A meeting of minds

Revision
My heart is on fire.
I tirelessly burn after realising
my feelings equates
to falling under your spell.

ORIGINAL

My heart is on fire.
I tirelessly burn after
the realisation my feelings equates
makes me fall under your spell.

Posted by: K.S. Lenk Dec 19 15, 11:05

I love 'one-liners' like this, but punctuation and spelling are failing you at the moment.

'My feelings equates makes me fall under your spell'?? Equates is not a noun surely?

Sorry.

Regards,
K

Posted by: greenwich Dec 19 15, 12:11

Thank you Krista

Posted by: Eisa Dec 21 15, 15:30

I like the revision Antony - it flows much better.

Just one thought 'under your spell' is a bit cliché.

Eira

Revision
My heart is on fire.
I tirelessly burn after realising
my feelings equates
to falling under your spell.

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 21 15, 18:57

Hello Greenwich,

Nice to meet you. I am Amethyst, otherwise known as Liz (some on the internet might know me as poetprncess) I liked the meaning in your intent. I liked the simplicity and concise. It is the type of poem that with the right words can say so much, with such power in such little words.

The premise of fire/burn and other references that heighten that can bring this more toward the metaphor. Some suggestions, and please feel free to use or lose anything for your consideration.

Otherwise, I do like this. It is a small gem, that packs large imagery.

Best to you, Liz

QUOTE (greenwich @ Dec 18 15, 16:26 )

A meeting of minds

Revision
My heart is on fire.
I tirelessly burn after realising
my feelings equates
to falling under your spell.

[b]L1. The word hearth wants to jump out. My heart is a hearth or My heart, like a hearth /
L2, you might want to omit the I. Starting L2 with tirelessly burns (to bring the fire into the hearth) and feeds your metaphor.
L3. I am not sure of your meaning for equates. My suggestion here is to develop the fire/heat/burning images -
Such as:

my feelings, your tinder
scattered among your runes (runes are fortune telling tiles and A POEM OR SAYING OF MYSTICAL MEANING TO CREATE A SPELL.)