A Chapel At The Water's Edge - Revised, Free Verse Options

[AMETHYST]

~~~~~~3rd Revision~~~~~~~TY Cleo and everyone!

A Chapel By The Water's Edge



It stands staunch
against untamed tides,
respectful of ocean's
ebbs and flows, yet steadfast
in the eye of a tempest.

A single speck mirrors
inconsequential reflection
in the wake
of God’s beauty.

Mutually, we wear waves
of erosion well;
affixed to each boulder
resting on a foundation of faith.





~~~~Second Revision~~~~~

A Chapel By The Water's Edge



The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas,
respectful, yet steadfast
in the eye of the storm.

Like me, it is small,
an inconsequential speck
of reflection
mirrored in the wake
of God's beauty.

We both have overcome
insistent wear of waves,
as each boulder
each boulder; afixed with faith,
designed by a careful eye
is built on a strong foundation.


~~~~~~revised~~~~~~~~

A Chapel By The Water's Edge



The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas,
respectful of the ocean's
ebb and flow, steadfast
in the eye of the storm.

Like me,
it's inconsequential-
a speck of reflection
mirrored in the wake
of God's beauty.

We both have overcome
the erosion of insistent
wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith,
designed by a careful eye
is built on a strong foundation.




~~~~~~~Original~~~~~~~~~

The Church By The Water's Edge



The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas. Respectful
of ocean's ebb and flow.Steadfast
in the eye of of the storm.

Like me, it is small-
a spec of reflection, mirrored
in the wake of God's beauty.

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith, secured
in detail, designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

What beautiful words! It's good to know that some things stand fast in this crazy world!

A few thoughts for you to use or lose...

Cathy


The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas. Respectful
of ocean's ebb and flow.Steadfast
in the eye of of the storm. Should these be end stops? Maybe...

The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas...
respectful of ocean's ebb and flow,
steadfast in the eye of the storm.

Like me, it is small- Maybe 'minute' to show just how 'small' we are in the grand scheme of things.
a spec[k] of reflection, mirrored
in the wake of God's beauty.

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith, secured
in detail, designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

[Eisa]

What beautiful words behind the message here Liz I feel there is not a lot to nit, but I think I might rearrange your line breaks for a better impact.

The Church By The Water's Edge


The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas. Respectful
of ocean's ebb and flow.Steadfast
in the eye of of the storm.

The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas.
Respectful of ocean's ebb and flow.
Steadfast in the eye of of the storm.

Like me, it is small-
a spec of reflection, mirrored
in the wake of God's beauty.


Perhaps L1 -- It's minuteness -- like me?
or -- 'miniscule like me'

Its minuteness -- like me
a spec of reflection,
mirrored in the wake
of God's beauty.

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith, secured
in detail, designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith,
secured in detail,
designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

Hope this helps -- I'll be back to this one.

Snow

[JustDaniel]

Just a quick reflection on the beautiful depth of your words, Liz...

I was immediately struck by the word "church" feeling out of place. I get your meaning, but might some other vehicle suit your meaning? cathedral? temple? tabernacle? pinnacle ?

Just a fleeting thought for now from this Lighthouse, Daniel

[Guest_Don_*]

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith, secured
in detail, designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

I was thinking about following replacing original above:

We both overcome
the insistent wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith,
secured by a careful eye
is a strong foundation.

I also agree with Daniel that "church" presents a qlitch, but a small votive structure balancing on cliff edge to the turbulant sea below is an emotional picture.

[ace]

The Church By The Water's Edge

Amethyst:

Very nice lines. The image of a small (I think chapel) close to the sort of violent sea comes through so nicely. I do have a couple of nits to pick:

The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas. Respectful [b]Nice alliteration. Perhaps colon after seas,
of ocean's ebb and flow.Steadfast comma after flow, no cap on Steadfast.
in the eye of of the storm. Otherwise there is no verb.

Like me, it is small-
a spec of reflection, mirrored speck
in the wake of God's beauty. lovely line and thought

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder, Really fine concluding stanza.
afixed with faith, secured
in detail, designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

I hope I am not being overly critical. I am new to the site and I am not sure how detailed criticism should be. Please bear with me.

ace

[Mysty]

Hiya Amethyst,
This gives me such a picture of strength. A place to commune with God and nature and to survive ..... Such is life hm? I think the nits have been commented on enough, just a matter of punctuation and moving a word here and there to another line. Very good Read, I enjoyed this piece. Thank You.

~Mysty~

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Thank you. This was inspired by a very beautiful photo of a church on the ocean shore. A little church like you'd find in the country.

Hi Liz,

What beautiful words! It's good to know that some things stand fast in this crazy world!

A few thoughts for you to use or lose...

Cathy


The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas. Respectful
of ocean's ebb and flow.Steadfast
in the eye of of the storm. Should these be end stops? Maybe...


[b] Yes. I agree. it reads much smoother and more natural that way and I will make that change! Thanks.

The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas...
respectful of ocean's ebb and flow,
steadfast in the eye of the storm.[/b]

Like me, it is small- Maybe 'minute' to show just how 'small' we are in the grand scheme of things.
a spec[k] of reflection, mirrored
in the wake of God's beauty.

Good thinking. Thanks for catching my typo.

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith, secured
in detail, designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

Thanks for stopping. I apologize for taking so long to catch up. Have had some things going on at home.

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow...

Thank you. I welcome the changes.

What beautiful words behind the message here Liz I feel there is not a lot to nit, but I think I might rearrange your line breaks for a better impact.

The Church By The Water's Edge


The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas. Respectful
of ocean's ebb and flow.Steadfast
in the eye of of the storm.

The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas.
Respectful of ocean's ebb and flow.
Steadfast in the eye of of the storm.


I think your line break suggestions are strong. I think I am going to go with the pauses instead of full line breaks, but incorporate some of these line changes as well.

Like me, it is small-
a spec of reflection, mirrored
in the wake of God's beauty.


Perhaps L1 -- It's minuteness -- like me?
or -- 'miniscule like me'

Its minuteness -- like me
a spec of reflection,
mirrored in the wake
of God's beauty.

I'll have to think on minuteness, I like its intention, but still leaning toward 'small' perhaps another more fitting word that describes a small structure in the view of a larger world that surrounds it.



We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith, secured
in detail, designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith,
secured in detail,
designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.


I really like your slight change here. Allows each specific quality to stand on its own.

Hope this helps -- I'll be back to this one.

Snow

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Daniel,

I thank you for stopping in and bringing this to my attention. However, the photo that inspired the poem was a small church, and I think that church is fitting to my meaning. The church instills the main ingredient of the foundation and the care ... referring back to God and goodness... I will certainly give is some more thought and consider other alternatives...

A lighthouse would be fitting to the ocean view, but not reflect the spiritual, religious references.


Hugs, Liz

Just a quick reflection on the beautiful depth of your words, Liz...

I was immediately struck by the word "church" feeling out of place. I get your meaning, but might some other vehicle suit your meaning? cathedral? temple? tabernacle? pinnacle ?

Just a fleeting thought for now from this Lighthouse, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hi Don,

Thanks for stopping in. I like the offer of insistent and will most likely use it. Freshens things up.

As for the church, as I mentioned to Daniel, church is more what I was going for, however I will not discount other alternatives that still bring to mind a small, church structure, simple ... I do like chapel, but the word chapel brings to mind something like in Las Vegas, those dime a dozen chapel halls selling themselves. Somethign more warm, more based on old fashioned, church going imagery.

Your summery of a small structure, at the edge of turmoil was exactly what I was going for... to sharpen the insight of its calm, steadfast character, while the rest of the world that surrounds it is stormy and tidal waves crashing, restless and tumultuous...


Hugs, Liz

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith, secured
in detail, designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

I was thinking about following replacing original above:

We both overcome
the insistent wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith,
secured by a careful eye
is a strong foundation.

I also agree with Daniel that "church" presents a qlitch, but a small votive structure balancing on cliff edge to the turbulant sea below is an emotional picture.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Ace,

Welcome to Mosaic Musings. Please your critique was mild, and any honest, helpful feedback is always welcome. I appreciate when another can tell me what isn't working, as well as what is working in the poem, so I don't sacrifice the good for improvements on the weak spots...

You've offered some valuable feedback and I will be using it, as it is close to Cathy's ... I do think that first stanza sounds to the ear, a lot better with the slight pauses instead of the full stops.

Look forward to your own work and I apologize for getting back to this so long, home issues!

Best Regards, Liz

The Church By The Water's Edge

Amethyst:

Very nice lines. The image of a small (I think chapel) close to the sort of violent sea comes through so nicely. I do have a couple of nits to pick:

The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas. Respectful [b]Nice alliteration. Perhaps colon after seas,
of ocean's ebb and flow.Steadfast comma after flow, no cap on Steadfast.
in the eye of of the storm. Otherwise there is no verb.

Like me, it is small-
a spec of reflection, mirrored speck
in the wake of God's beauty. lovely line and thought

We both overcome
the constant wear of waves
because each boulder, Really fine concluding stanza.
afixed with faith, secured
in detail, designed by a careful eye...
is built on a strong foundation.

I hope I am not being overly critical. I am new to the site and I am not sure how detailed criticism should be. Please bear with me.

ace

[AMETHYST]

Hiya Amethyst,
This gives me such a picture of strength. A place to commune with God and nature and to survive ..... Such is life hm? I think the nits have been commented on enough, just a matter of punctuation and moving a word here and there to another line. Very good Read, I enjoyed this piece. Thank You.

~Mysty~

Hey Mysty,

How are you doing? I am glad to see you around and about the forums. I hope all is well with you. Thank you for stopping in and giving me some feedback and for giving me that thumbs up. Once the minor punctuations and word changes in certain points, I will consider this revised and finalized.

Hugs Liz ...

Good to see you!

[Guest_Don_*]

Not being a patron of Las Vegas corruption, I find "chapel" to be a fine fit. A chapel can be a quiet place in a woods, a special room in a home, a small building or open icon wayside for religious communion.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hi Don,

Yes. I think you are very right. I might be going with Chapel as I like the sound of it.

Hugs, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

I enjoyed your Chapel by the Sea! I did find however, some areas for improvement (maybe cutting out some unnecessary words) and the possibility of adding alliteration to this one.

The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas,
respectful of {the} ocean's
ebb and flow, steadfast
in the eye of the storm. (a little cliché)

I suggest a simpler opening line:
It stands staunch
against untamed seas, ( you might also say ‘untamed tides’ for alliteration )
respectful of ocean's
ebb and flow, steadfast
in the eye of the tempest.

To me ‘the structure’ just feels cold and impersonal whereas ‘it stands staunch’ feels more ‘powerful’ to me, and tempest I suggest as an alternate to ‘storm’ for an ‘archaic feel’.

Like me,
it's inconsequential-
a speck of reflection
mirrored in the wake
of God's beauty.

I would tweak the lines a tad as follows;
A single speck mirrors
inconsequential reflection
in the wake
of God’s beauty.

We both have overcome
the erosion of insistent
wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith, (typo: affixed)
designed by a careful eye
is built on a strong foundation.

I know what you are trying to say here but I think you might do better with ‘less is more’, IMHO. Perhaps:
Mutually, we wear waves
of erosion well;
affixed to each boulder
rests a foundation of faith.

Please feel free to take or toss these ideas as you wish.
Cheers
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz.

I enjoyed your Chapel by the Sea! I did find however, some areas for improvement (maybe cutting out some unnecessary words) and the possibility of adding alliteration to this one.

Hi Lori ...

You've offered some very vital suggestions and points where the improvement strengthens the entire poem. I think your first suggestion regarding the opening stanza enhances it 10 fold. Comments to follow...

Hugs and thanks Lori, you've really hit on some very important issues. I am certainly not satisified with it as it stands.



The structure stands staunch
against untamed seas,
respectful of {the} ocean's
ebb and flow, steadfast
in the eye of the storm. (a little cliché)



I suggest a simpler opening line:
It stands staunch
against untamed seas, ( you might also say ‘untamed tides’ for alliteration )
respectful of ocean's
ebb and flow, steadfast
in the eye of the tempest.

If you noticed my latest revision, I try to weed out those cliche lines, and shorten the stanza, however I am losing the powerful image of the stanza. Your suggestion is perfect...


It stands staunch
against untamed tides,
respectful of ocean's rage
yet steadfast
in the eye of the tempest.


To me ‘the structure’ just feels cold and impersonal whereas ‘it stands staunch’ feels more ‘powerful’ to me, and tempest I suggest as an alternate to ‘storm’ for an ‘archaic feel’.

Like me,
it's inconsequential-
a speck of reflection
mirrored in the wake
of God's beauty.

I would tweak the lines a tad as follows;
A single speck mirrors
inconsequential reflection
in the wake
of God’s beauty.

Again, these are excellent suggestions.


We both have overcome
the erosion of insistent
wear of waves
because each boulder,
afixed with faith, (typo: affixed)
designed by a careful eye
is built on a strong foundation.

I know what you are trying to say here but I think you might do better with ‘less is more’, IMHO. Perhaps:
Mutually, we wear waves
of erosion well;
affixed to each boulder
rests a foundation of faith.

Excellent again.



Please feel free to take or toss these ideas as you wish.
Cheers
~Cleo

Stay tuned for another revison. THANKS Lori... great feedback!

Hugs, Liz

(I don't want to use word for word, but it is going to be hard not to be tempted to as your suggestions really make a great difference in the entire poem! )

[AMETHYST]

Humbled Bump ...

Some further Revisions made, thanks Lori!

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Liz,

Add another "f" to "afix."

It bothers me that the sturdyness of the structure is pictured in the eye of the storm. The eye is usually relatively calm. It is okay if you are depicting a place of calm in stormy environment. Otherwise the image should be within the violent portion of the storm. The fact that the structure is standing in the calm center implies that it withstood the peripheral violence and will do so again as the storm moves away.

It is a thinking stanza. The mind refuses to accept that it needs to be steadfast in the calm eye. It is like wearing a fur coat on a tropical beach.

Great composition.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Well done Liz!


I really like your changes - feeling it makes the poem 'tighter' yet doesn't lose any of your theme or message.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo