A Lunar Welcome, A Sonnet Options

[Aggiel]

A Lunar Welcome ( Revised Version )

We flew to Moon to peek at Earth from space.
Our engines droned an endless tune across
the vast expanse to wake the lurking place
of stars. Will strangers there treat us like boss ?

Too late, some speeding meteorites appeared.
Our craft swerved just in time, or we'd have crashed,
but landing safe on Moon, though dazed, we cheered.
When soon some creatures came, we dared not dash.

These Moonies stood around us--- friendly lot -----
with welcome smiles. They kissed our cheeks and hands.
We hugged them back, touched by the peace they brought,
Their warmth amazed these folk from other lands.

Go seek a far away star and probe it
and let the candle of friendship be lit.

A Lunar Welcome ( Original )

We flew to moon to catch a glimpse of earth
from space, our engines droned an endless tune;
awoke the final border , plagued a dearth
on stars as Sparrow Eight, sped to the moon.

Too late, some crashing meteorites appeared.
Our jet swirled in time; avoided bad crash,
but landed on moon. Though dazed, we all cheered.
Soon some creatures came. We dared not dash.

These Moonies stood around us, friendly lot
with welcome smiles. They kissed our cheeks and hands.
We hugged them back, touched by welcome so hot.
Their warmth amazed these beings from other lands.

If earthlings treat each other quite so well,
our world would be a safer place to dwell.

by Agatha Lai

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Aggie,

A simple smile when passing someone on the street, a friendly handshake when we meet, a helping hand when someone stumbles.... we could make the world a better place. *smiles*

A few thoughts to use or lose...

We flew to moon to catch a glimpse of earth
from space, our engines droned an endless tune;
awoke the final border , plagued a dearth
on stars as Sparrow Eight, sped to the moon.

I'm not sure what you're saying in lines 3 & 4. Could you enlighten me please?

Too late, some crashing meteorites appeared.
Our jet swirled in time; avoided bad crash, Repeat of 'crash'
but landed on moon. Though dazed, we all cheered.
Soon some creatures came. We dared not dash.

Stanza two reads a bit choppy IMO. Maybe something like...

Too late, some whirling meteorites appeared
sending our jet through time swirl to avoid bad crash.
We landed on moon... dazed, we all cheered.
Soon some creatures came and we dared not dash.

These Moonies stood around us, friendly lot Moonies? Cute name... LOL
with welcome smiles. They kissed our cheeks and hands.
We hugged them back, touched by welcome so hot.
Their warmth amazed these beings from other[far-away] lands.

If earthlings [would] treat each other quite so well,
our world would be a safer place [in which] to dwell.

I hope something here might be helpful!

Cathy

[JustDaniel]

Quite a dream you have here, Aggie...

and yet expressing engagingly the lengths we go to discover what we already could have right here with less investment!

Let me offer a bit of assistance with your

daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM:

A Lunar Welcome

We flew to Moon to catch a glimpse of Earth
[ actually, quite a profound statement ! ]
from space[;] (,) our engines droned an endless tune;
awoke the final border , plagued a dearth
[ I think we need some help in understanding the above line ? ]
on stars as Sparrow Eight, sped to the moon.

Too late, some crash speeding meteorites appeared.
Our jet swirled craft swerved just in time[,] ; avoided bad or we'd have crashed,
but landing safe ed on Moon[,] (.) though dazed, we all cheered.
When soon some creatures came[,] (.) we dared not dash.

These Moonies stood around us [--] (,) friendly lot [--]
with welcome smiles. They kissed our cheeks and hands.
We hugged them back, touched by the peace they brought, welcome so hot.
Their warmth amazed these folk beings from other lands.

If Would earthlings treat each other quite so well,
our world would be a safer place to dwell.

Now if that helps a little, Ag, it's swell
to keep or toss whate'er you like. All's well!

Lightly, Daniel

[Aggiel]

Cathy,

It's nice to see you here. As usual I am happy to get ideas
about my poem from you. They tell me what to adopt and
what to lose.And so I come up with a slightly different
sonnet.

Thanks a lot.




Aggie

[Aggiel]

Daniel,

Your detailed analysis of my poem has given me idea how to proceed with revision. Your assistance of daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM: is most useful too.

With this help I am able to revise and discard whatever
that's choppy.

Please read my revised poem.

Thanks a lot.



Aggie