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> Seasonal Languor *** (revision 1)
Eisa
post Mar 30 17, 16:49
Post #1


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Seasonal Languor Revision April 2017

My husband offered me pomegranate seeds
from the supermarket shelf; I contemplate
when Hades tempted you. Now four months of
each year you dwell inside the depths with him

while I endure, this suffocating darkness,
exhaustion, craving carbs and sugared tea.
I ache for sunshine’s vitamin D –
and your return with flaming torch.

Demeter’s sorrow is shared, but I detest her
fruitless spread, so slump beneath my quilt
with no desire to surface and get dressed;
warmth coddles all my frigid bones.

I scrutinize the sky for scythe-like wings
returning from overheated realms,
yearn for apodidae, screaming parties
careening madly round rooftops.

As crocus’ wake beneath catkin arms,
you glimmer through the shadows, enfold
me in promises, scythes slash through cirrus
- and I spring into your radiance.

------------------------------------------
Seasonal Languor

My husband picked me pomegranate seeds
from the supermarket shelf; I contemplate
when Hades tempted you. Now a third of
each year you inhabit the depths with him

while I endure, this suffocating darkness,
exhaustion, craving carbs and sugared tea.
I ache for sunshine’s vitamin D –
and your return with flaming torch.

Demeter’s sorrow is shared, but I detest her
fruitless spread, so slump beneath my quilt
with no desire to surface and get dressed;
warmth coddles my frigid bones.

I scrutinise the sky for scythe-like wings
returning from overheated realms,
yearn for swift’s screaming parties
careening madly round the rooftops.

As crocus’ wake beneath catkin arms,
your glimmer through the shadows, enfolds
me in promises, scythes slash through cirrus
- and I spring into your radiance.


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Apr 15 17, 10:42
Post #2


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Real Name: Eira Needham
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A few small changes
Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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JustDaniel
post Jun 22 17, 11:39
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Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Greetings, Eira.

Here I am belatedly visiting the other side of this empty realm, where I struggle in darkness myself, but of a different sort than yours here. I trust that all that this poem long for is well within your grasp now that summer is upon us!

Let me merely offer a few questions or comments, perhaps a 'correction'?

QUOTE
Seasonal Languor Revision April 2017

My husband offered me pomegranate seeds
from the supermarket shelf; I contemplate
when Hades tempted you. Now four months of
each year you dwell inside the depths with him

My grasp of allusions is often deficient, so I'm missing out on "when Hades tempted you." I'd love to understand so that I may accurately understand the picture you're painting.

while I endure(,) this suffocating darkness,
exhaustion, craving carbs and sugared tea.
I ache for sunshine’s vitamin D –
and your return with flaming torch.

Demeter’s sorrow is shared, but I detest her
fruitless spread, so slump beneath my quilt
with no desire to surface and get dressed;
warmth coddles all my frigid bones.

I had to look up Demeter, but of course that is my lack of education in mythology. Of course your choice is apt. However I wonder about the passive voice instead of making yourself the subject of the sharing in the first phrase? "I share Demeter's sorrow..." I can identify with the whole picture.

Scrutinizing the sky for scythe-like wings
returning from overheated realms,
I yearn for apodidae, screaming parties
careening madly round rooftops.

If you accept my suggestion in the previous stanza, this suggestion is to remove the "I" to a later place. I had to look up both "swift" and "apodidae", so thank you for the education again. I like the image of screaming parties. Not sure whether I like the original possessive 's or the current mere comma. It's a toss-up for the slight difference.

As crocuses / croci wake beneath catkin arms,
you glimmer through the shadows, enfold
me in promises, scythes slash through cirrus
- and I spring into your radiance.

Believe it or not, I didn't know what catkin is, either, but we have quite a bit of it on the trees in our yard. Thank you for another useful word. I love the imagery of this closing verse.


deLightingly, Daniel sun.gif


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Ali zonak
post Jun 23 17, 08:00
Post #4


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Hi there, Eisa;
the only problem I really have with your free-verse is the first quatrain. There seem to be three persons; you, the husband, and the other "you," who dwells inside the depths with him. Might that be Demeter? The point is that I'm sitting here, as a casual reader, scratching my head, wondering: did Hades (Pluto) tempt the husband or the unspecified other "you," or are you metaphorically speaking of winter and summer? Forgive my ignorance; at times I can be a genuine blockhead. Other than the opening lines of your poem, I "get" and enjoy your interesting write. I appreciate this forum. Yours, rollerskater.gif
Ali


My husband offered me pomegranate seeds
from the supermarket shelf; I contemplate (I wonder)?
when Hades tempted you. Now four months of
each year you dwell inside the depths with him


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~~~~
It is a poem’s absolute perfection that can lead to its imperfection.
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Eisa
post Jun 26 17, 16:01
Post #5


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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Daniel,

It's always great to hear from you. Haven't you been moving house - or perhaps I'm thinking of someone else. Anyway, I'm so pleased to hear from you.

I suppose this poem is best enjoyed if you have a little knowledge of Greek mythology. I only have a little, but find it fascinating.

Throughout the poem I am talking to Persephone, Greek goddess of springtime, so in St1 when I refer to 'you' it is her (Persephone) I am referring to. She was tempted to eat pomegranate seeds by Hades and then had to spend part of the year with him. Demeter from st2 is Persephone's mother.

You have made some valid points Daniel and I always value your ideas. I'll return to this again with new eyes soon.

So pleased to see you here.

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Jun 26 17, 16:13
Post #6


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Ali,

It's great to see you reading my poem and you have made some valid points to help.

As I said to Daniel, throughout the poem I am talking to Persephone, Greek goddess of springtime, so in St1 when I refer to 'you' it is her (Persephone) I am referring to. She was tempted to eat pomegranate seeds by Hades and then had to spend part of the year with him. Demeter from st2 is Persephone's mother.

The poem has undertones of seasonal affective disorder. Interesting to see you suggest changing contemplate to wonder as in my files I have done that - will change it here.

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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