What the Poo?! ~ EDIT #2, **** CRITIQUE away, please! ~ a challenge sonnet Options

[JustDaniel]

Edit #2

What the Poo?!

I won't pooh-pooh your use of that shampoo,
but why are there so many on your shelf?
Do you have dandruff? Need hair in a doo?
Attempting to add body by your self?

It costs too much to go to the salon,
so Mom and you, with daughter try to fix
the problems with your hair: you're put upon
by oily, dry, too curly, straight or mixed.

And Mom is losing hers, yours is too thick.
You all need moisturizing, natural
and herbal essences. Are they all shtick
to sell the product? You're collateral

to fifty brands and types, conditioners!
Have you become shampoo parishioners?

© MLee Dickens'son 2013


Original:

S1L1 I'll not pooh-pooh your use of that shampoo, *Edit #1

S1L4 You work at adding body by your self?

S2L2 so you and Mom and daughter try to fix *Edit #2

[Eisa]

A very humorous sonnet Daniel! I did stumble a bit in meter at first, but on second read, I slowed down and it was smooth. I think this just shows you can write a modern sonnet about any subject at all!

Enjoyed this one!
Snow

[JustDaniel]

Thanks not only for your first read, but obviously for your subsequent read(s), Snow. Much appreciated!

I'm considering changing the opening words to "I won't..." ? Whatcha think?

I agree that sonnet is an excellent form for a short look at just about any subject. To my feel, it's just a universal medium.

deLighting in your visits, Daniel

[Alan]

Dear Daniel,

Somehow this slipped past me, read it once or twice, but never commented.

I agree that I won't would be better at start.

And you have hit upon a universal problem for any male who shares a bathroom with one or more non-males. I've got 3 !

Love
Alan

[JustDaniel]

Thanks for your thoughtful visit, Alan. I have actually made the change. I appreciate your confirmation.

You're right about the issue of a guy sharing a bathroom with multiple women. It is the reason that we added a small bathroom with shower stall to our house several years ago!

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel

[Eisa]

Thanks not only for your first read, but obviously for your subsequent read(s), Snow. Much appreciated!

I'm considering changing the opening words to "I won't..." ? Whatcha think?

I agree that sonnet is an excellent form for a short look at just about any subject. To my feel, it's just a universal medium.

deLighting in your visits, Daniel

Thumbs up to the change in the first line, Daniel - I like it much better!

Snow

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, Snow...

and again there is proof that just a little word from caring friends helps us to hear something that our own ear cannot hear because of the prejudice of what we WANT to say... that simply ISN'T said in the way that we imagine!

deLighting in the help, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Awesome Daniel,

This is medicine for the soul. I smiled, but as I smiled I was thinking to myself, how often I feel that way when in my own shower. I only use one shampoo, but my daughter has several different ones for different things - and I am confused: It also reminded me of going shopping - so many, many different choices - I am left overwhelmed at which to choose.

What the Poo?!

Great title. The slight play on words with poo is both a fun hook for the reader and already sets the reader up for humor and light heartedness.

I won't pooh-pooh your use of that shampoo,
but why are there so many on your shelf?
Do you have dandruff? Need hair in a doo?
You work at adding body by your self?

I felt a minor (very little) bump in L1, and thought or wanted to say ... I won't pooh-pooh on your use of shampoo"
L2 & L3 are strong and clear.
L4, I had to read a few times to get what it was really saying. It falters for me, because it is presented as a question, but it is a statement -
Perhaps some smoothing out here.




It costs too much to go to the salon,
so you and Mom and daughter try to fix
the problems with your hair: you're put upon
by oily, dry, too curly, straight or mixed.

In L2, I felt as if the and's were filler - and was confused about the 'you' ... however, I thought the follow through with L3 & L4 were wonderful.

And Mom is losing hers, yours is too thick.
You all need moisturizing, natural
and herbal essences. Are they all shtick
to sell the product? You're collateral

Perhaps in L2, While Mom is losing hers, yours is too thick. Again, the follow through is very strong. I liked your use of shtick, as much as one would think it sounds forced, however, it does no.

to fifty brands and types, conditioners!
Have you become shampoo parishioners?

Wonderful - wonderful - wonderful ... ending couplet. Especially that final line.

© MLee Dickens'son 2013

[JustDaniel]

Dear Liz,

Thank you so much for your thorough and thoughtful visit. Particularly the two lines that you stumbled over, I still am not particularly pleased with either, so I'm giving them further thought.

I hope to be able to offer some revisions before too many hours or at least days have passed.

You've been an immense help in stimulating my thinking on them again, so it's much appreciated!

deLighting in the sharing, Daniel


P.S. I just posted my tentative Edit #2. Thanks for your feedback; I'll look forward to it.

[Eisa]

All good changes Daniel - you've shaped this up nicely.

Snow

[JustDaniel]

All good changes Daniel - you've shaped this up nicely.

Snow

Thanks for droppin' in again, Snow!! I appreciate your affirmation of my emendations.

I've thought of you several times today as I pass in and out of our front door. The cherry tree blossoms are literally SNOWing these past two days. It's rather majestic!! ... and I've tried to compose a haiku... so far unsuccessfully.

deLightingly, Daniel