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> The Parrot and the Coot (Final Draft), limerick
Maggie
post Aug 16 09, 22:33
Post #1


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The Parrot and the Coot ( Final Draft)

A young parrot owned by an old coot
laid an egg in her master's new boot.
The man slipped it on
and let out a groan
while the bird stayed suspiciously mute.


The Parrot and the Coot ( Revision 1)

A young parrot owned by an old coot
laid an egg in the old one's new boot.
The man slipped it on
and let out a groan
while the bird squaked, "So go buy a newt!"

Peggy Carpenter Harwood


The Parrot and the Coot

A young parrot owned by an old coot
laid an egg in the old one's new boot.
The man slipped it on
and let out a groan
while the bird stayed suspiciously mute.


Peggy Carpenter Harwood


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Thoth
post Aug 18 09, 14:17
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Hi Peggy,

Shouldn't it be "an egg"?

This limerick is ok metrically with a slanty rhyme at L3,L4 but I feel it is a little weak in message, almost like an exercise in form.

Although simply structured, a good limerick should leave the reader thinking "That was clever!"

This is most easily done by giving last line a twist that resolves the poem in an unexpected way. IMHO your last line needs some work and since the rhyming possibilities are large it should not be too difficult.

I hope this comment is helpful.

Hugs,

Wally


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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Aug 18 09, 19:40
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Peggy, I think the first two lines are a fantastic beginning but the middle rhyme and the last line left me wanting... the middle being a near rhyme just doesn't make it for me, and the ending was way too blah, you need that twist of surprize.

Steve
 
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Maggie
post Aug 19 09, 17:39
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Hi Wally and Steve,

You both agree and now so do I. This is a very "dull" limerick, which is a contradiction in terms. I'm going to Ireland day after tomorrow, so I'll have to re-work it when I get back!! Thanks so much for the honest critiques!!

Peggy


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ace
post Aug 28 09, 17:17
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Peggy:

I have tried to comment on this well done limirick and keep having computer problems. So I'll try again. Good idea slips a little in the rhythm of the first two lines and the rhyme of lines 3 and
4. Just my thought; others may disagree.

ace
 
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Maggie
post Sep 1 09, 20:11
Post #6


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Hi Ace,

Thanks ever so kindly for the vote of confidence. I did change the ending just now. What's your opinion of the new one?

Peggy


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Thoth
post Sep 3 09, 15:04
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To be honest Peggy, this one is still lumpy to me.

The metre is out in a couple of places. I will do a full scansion and point out the errant places if you wish.

typo - "squawked" I think. And the use of "old" in successive lines bothers me.

Hugs,

Wally


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Maggie
post Sep 3 09, 15:48
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Real Name: Peggy Harwood
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Referred By:just wandered in



Hi Wally,

Thank you so much for catching the word repetition and the typo! As for a scansion, I doubt it would help me. I've modified line2 and am using my first line 5. I'm satisfied with this. Thanks for sticking with me!!!

Peggy


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