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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ Snowman

Posted by: hellfire Jul 8 09, 04:08

as winter begins
snowman,s excitement
escapes through icy grin

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 8 09, 06:39

Hello Hellfire,

I enjoyed your winter Haiku (although I admit to not wishing for winter to come any time soon).

I have two suggestions:
The first is to swap L1 and L3.

The second is to find another description for the word 'between' as I think you could make the snowman vision stand out further with a substitution there that leads into 'winter begins'. Perhaps use replacements for 'jumps' and 'joy' ? Perhaps:

Snowman jumps in joyfullness

Or

Snowman jumps in joyous play

Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo

Posted by: ace Jul 8 09, 17:31

Hellfire:

I love reading and writing haiku; your is very nice. One nit...the first line seems to have only four syllables. Would it meet the requirements better if you said:
"Winter now begins"?

ace

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain Jul 8 09, 23:04

Hellfire, not too sure this is a haiku in the strict sense of the word. Haiku are poems of observation, and I can hardly imagine the observation of a snowman "jumping". Perhaps a winter animal? Also, I think you can find a synonym for "jump" that could replace "jump for joy" with one word. Never mind the syllable count (as long as you keep it under seventeen) for a haiku in English language, it should have less syllables than in Japanese.

I hope this helps.

Mark

Posted by: hellfire Jul 9 09, 00:40

thanks cleo

will revise and see how it works.not sure if the L1 when then link with rest of the piece after change.thanks once again

regards

hellfire

Posted by: hellfire Jul 9 09, 00:43

hi ace

thanks for the advice.
i am glad you enjoyed the piece.
much appreciated

regards

hellfire

Posted by: hellfire Jul 9 09, 00:47

hi mark

must admit not a haiku in traditional sense.willl revise and are busy considering your suggestion regarding replacement for "jump for joy"
thanks.much appreciated

regards

hellfire

Posted by: Arnfinn Jul 13 09, 02:57

G'day, Hellfire.

as winter begins
snowman,s jubilation
escape through icy grin

Well, I think you are one sillybull short L2.

How about using excitement instead of jubilation>> make it easier for the syllable count.

I would use escapes instead escape in L3.

Regards,

John

Posted by: hellfire Jul 13 09, 03:49

hi john

thanks for the comments and suggestion.
it reads much better now.

cheers

hellfire