Yesterday once more (Revision) Options

[greenwich]

REVISION

The years have seen us play various parts.
I remember well, I invited you
to the Chalis restaurant,
you wore your Russian hat and white gloves,
accompanied by your two young children,
and I with my first born.
Only we knew if something
had occurred between us,
how could the world read ordinary intentions?
The waiters would never know.
It took my son to mention
he had dined with older children.
As you know I changed my job.
My wife forbid me to see you again,
referring to you as "that woman".
Have the years been good
did you ever find a man
to undo the surreal havoc ?





ORIGINAL

The years have seen us play our parts.
I remember when I invited you
to the Chalis restaurant,
you with your Russian hat and white gloves,
accompanied wIth your two young children,
and I with my first born.
Only we knew if something
had occured between us,
how could the world read ordinary intentions?
The waiters would never know.
It took my son to mention he had
dined with older children.
As you know I changed my job.
My wife forbid me to see you again,
referring to you as that woman.
Have the years been good
did you ever find a man
to undo the surreal havoc ?

[Psyche]

Hi greenwich!
Ah, a bit of nostalgia and romance midst the reigning chaos in our world. This engaging piece reminds me of the movie "The Age of Innocence", with Daniel Day Lewis, Winona Ryder and...mmm....it'll come to me.
You haven't put the required number of ***, but this is a workshop forum, so I'll make a couple of nits.

The years have seen us play our parts
I remember when I invited you
to the Chalis restaurant
you with your Russian hat and white gloves, <<<<<this is where the movie comes in!
accompanied wIth your two young children
and I with my first born.
Only we knew if something
had occured between us
how could the world read ordinary intentions. <<<Were they ordinary? Your poem appears to indicate that something would brew...LOL...
The waiters would never know
It took my son to mention he had
dinned with older children. <<<<<< Dear me, kids are wise! They get the drift of things...Hey, I think you mean 'dined'.

As you know I changed my job <<<<<Period here?
My wife forbid me to see you again.
referring to you as that woman.<<<<That's what we say!
Have the years been good
did you ever find a man
to undo the surreal havoc ?

Nice. Simple word usage that conveys emotions strongly. I find a bit more punctuation is needed, especially when you start the next line with Caps. But maybe it's your style.
Cheers, Psyche

[K.S. Lenk]

I immediately thought of the lack of punctuation, especially as you so rightly reminded me of mine. :)
Sometimes a story just flows and there's no need for breaks.
However, this gentle 'blast from the past' moment does achieve to provoke one's own memories of love and love lost.

My critique is to use some well placed punctuation and make a clear distinction between the past and the present.
Did you see her again or was it just a memory?
Weaving the memories together with the present day will create a clear story and perhaps emphasise the sadness of it all.

The title instantly brought connections to The Carpenters' song, I'm not sure that's what you intended.

Regards,
K

[greenwich]

Thanks for the reviews . I have put some punctuation in.
This is an exciting site. The attention for details by reviewers is immensely helpful. Improvement imrovement is what I say .

[greenwich]

Thanks for the reviews . I have put some punctuation in.
This is an exciting site. The attention for details by reviewers is immensely helpful. Improvement improvement is what I say .

[Eisa]

Wow! I like this, Antony, nostalgia with a hint of naughtiness!

I didn't read this before you changed punctuation and all looks fine to me - just needs a full stop after ' As you know I changed my job.'

It took my son to mention he had
dinned with older children.

Children always drop you in it!

Enjoyable read.

Eira

[greenwich]

Thanks Eisa . The only fiction is place and gear worn. Welcome to 1968

[Psyche]

Hi again, greenwich!

Pardon me for being insistent, but do you really mean "dinned with older children"?

I know children can make a din...LOL...but surely you mean "dined with older children"?

Nobody else has pointed this out, but I'm practically sure one "dines" when one has dinner.

I'm so glad you're pleased with the feedback you're getting. I live in Argentina, so it's been an enormous help to post here. Since 2004...

Cheers, Psyche

[JustDaniel]

Belated greetings, friend.

Please forgive my coming in late. I'd not been posting here for some time, so I have some catching up to do with all the "new" folks who have joined.

Let me first make two GENERAL suggestions, which I think will greatly help your readers:

1 Post the title along with the piece, especially for readers like myself who forget it as soon as we click on to read your piece!

2 Keep the ORIGINAL within the thread by copying and posting it at the bottom, below your marked "REVISION" at the top. That way readers will be able to understand all the comments of earlier readers and will be able to see both where your piece has BEEN and where it is GOING.

Here are few minor suggestions, including correcting some run-on sentences:

Yesterday Once More

The years have seen us play our parts.
I remember when I invited you
to the Chalis restaurant - (,)
you with your Russian hat and white gloves,
accompanied wIth by your two young children,
and I with my first-born.
Only we knew if something
had occurred between us; (,)
how could the world read ordinary intentions?
The waiters would never know.
It took my son to mention he had
dined with older children.
As you know I changed my job.
My wife forbid me to see you again,
referring to you as that woman. Perhaps either italicize or enclose in quotes "that woman" ?
Have the years been good?
Did you ever find a man
to undo the surreal havoc?

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel

[greenwich]

Thank you for the latest suggestions. Glad I can entertain with my poems. I just have to be consistent now.