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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Changes (revised 12/10)

Posted by: Larry Dec 9 10, 12:10

Changes

Precursor winds play tag with golden pennants of the Fall
by twirling them in tiny hurricanes. Their auburn hues
now echo empty hands, which gave them birth. Once-shadowed hall,
denuded massive oaks allow the light within their queues.

Though umber fingers clutch dead vestiges of yesterday,
release comes soon. The detritus of Spring lies on the lane
in piles… obscures that colonnaded path. Wafted away
are momentary jewels, loosed by time, which fall like rain

to bury; and in turn be blanketed by hoary veil.
So swift the end befalls and swifter still is life restored
by moldering remains. The mysteries from Change’s well
bequeath their cryptic legacy. They may be unexplored,

misunderstood. The universe, like leaves, will be renewed.
Death and decay: conception’s seed with which we are imbued.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
S2/L4 did read "are momentary jewels, loosened by time, which fall like rain".
S3/L4 did read " bequeath their obscure legacy. They may be unexplored,"

See Daniel's crits as the reason for the changes.

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 9 10, 14:00

I really like this, Larry. Not many have written sonnets in heptameter. It's hard to maintain interest in such lengthy metered lines, but you have managed to pull it of rather beautifully.

I'd like to merely address some of what kinda feel to me as hiccups in your otherwise perfect meter:

QUOTE (Larry @ Dec 9 10, 12:10 )

Changes

Precursor winds play tag with golden pennants of the Fall
by twirling them in tiny hurricanes. Their auburn hues
now echo empty hands, which gave them birth. Once[-]shadowed halls,
denuded massive oaks allow the light within their queues.

Though umber fingers clutch dead vestiges of yesterday,
release comes soon. The detritus of Spring lies on the lane
in piles… obscures that colonnaded path. Wafted away
are momentary jewels, loosed by time, which fall like rain
[shortening loosened rather than forcing the reading of jew'ls ?]

to bury; and in turn be ~~blanketed~~ quilted by a hoary veil.
So swift the end befalls[,] and swifter still is life restored
by moldering remains. The mysteries from Change’s well
bequeath their ~~obscure~~ hidden / doubtful / dusky / cryptic legacy. They may be unexplored,
[some iambic word rather than the here-grating trochaic obscure ?]

misunderstood. The universe, like leaves, will be renewed.
Death and decay: conception’s seed with which we are imbued.

These are not necessarily "suggestions"... but mere illustration of some other ways of expressing to stimulate your poetic palate.

deLighting to share, Daniel

Posted by: Larry Dec 9 10, 16:53

Hey Daniel,

Thanks for stopping in for a read and thanks also for the excellent critique. I see what you mean about some of your suggestions but some of the others I'll have to forego.

S1/L3 - Don't know about the hyphen. The plural "halls" can't work because I'm writing about one hall (see S2/L3 - "colonnaded path")

S2/L4 - Good catch on "jewels". Down here in the South, it would be pronounced "jools" (one syl). Will change that.

S3/L1 - Thought you liked a little alliteration! "be blanketed by" Too much? Besides, "quilted" just doesn't seem to imply complete coverage of the leaves. Snow doesn't make something seem quilted, does it?

S3/L4 - Great catch on my big metric bump from iamb to troch. Will sub "cryptic" as it is in the same vein as "mysteries".

Daniel, I don't post them here because I feel they are polished gems, I can always use another set of eyes; maybe two or three sets would be even better. Thanks for the help and the crits.

Larry

Posted by: Merlin Dec 10 10, 00:44

Hello Larry,
I just flipped my hoary veil back for a closer look...
Top marks for undertaking a challenge, which I'm assuming this was. A few years back I did one in hexameter, a lengthy one it was. Once it was all done, I found it didn't fit across the page so I chopped it up into shorter lines, making quite an effective open form out of it.

Somewhere in my mind is Gerard Hopkins who, I believe, did a few of these. I'd have to go back into the books to be sure.

Well done.

Merlin