 Perpetual Glory, Wizard, Faery and Choice Awards |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jun 4 05, 20:01
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
Faery Award Winner
 Celtic Castle Designs  *Graphic provided by Celtic Castle Designs Member Choice Award Winner  *Graphic provided by Celtic Castle Designs Just been doing some more trimming of this one. Perpetual Glory Bathed in dawn’s soft glow she slips into a purple robe interlaced with crimson ribbons. She dresses slowly to reflect the ocean’s hues, white chiffon appliqués her skirt, wisps of blonde clasped into a golden crown that shimmers in a veil across her shoulders. Her rapturous spring tears shower away winter’s drabness, her pristine visage enhanced by an iridescent scarf draped across her breast. When clouds are tempestuous, her charcoal cloak shrouds the world. She throws illuminating spears, warns of forthcoming wrath; her shouts resounding until their rage drenches us. Sensuous in dark damask, her swarthy face sparkles with silver piercings. A mother-of-pearl accessory subtly adorns raven locks. She cossets us in dreams, repairing ragged edges -- frayed by daytime stress. She is the ever-changing canopy that shelters our world, thrilling us with her perpetual glory. Perpetual Glory ( revision and new title) At dawn she rises -- dressed in purple velvet, trimmed with crimson ribbons then mellows to pastel blue brocade, embellished with white lace appliqué. Her wispy hair is clasped into a golden crown, that shimmers in a veil across her shoulders. In spring, her rapturous tears shower away the winter’s grime; her pristine looks enhanced by a multi-coloured bow across her breast. On tempestuous days, her charcoal cloak shrouds the world with gloom, until illuminating arrows are thrown -- a warning of forthcoming wrath. Shouts resound until her rage has drenched us. Attired for night in sensuous dark damask, her swarthy face sparkles with silver piercings. A mother-of-pearl accessory adorns her raven locks with subtle beauty She cossets us in dreams, to repair ragged edges -- frayed by daytime stresses. She is the ever-changing canopy that shelters our world thrilling us with her perpetual glory. Roof On Our World (original) At dawn she rises -- dressed in purple velvet, trimmed with crimson ribbons then mellows to pastel blue brocade, embellished with white lace appliqué. Her wispy hair is clasped into a golden crown, that shimmers in a veil across her shoulders. In spring, her rapturous tears shower away the winter’s grime; her freshness is enhanced by a multi-coloured bow across her breast. On tempestuous days her charcoal cloak shrouds the world with gloom, until illuminating arrows are thrown -- a warning of forthcoming wrath. Shouts resound until her rage has drenched us. Attired for night in sensuous dark damask, her swarthy face sparkles with silver piercings. A mother-of-pearl accessory adorns her raven locks with subtle beauty She cossets us in dreams, to repair ragged edges -- frayed by daytime stresses. The stage on which she models her diverse fashions is the ever-changing roof across our world. ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
  
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| Guest_Nina_* |
Jun 5 05, 00:38
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#2
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Hi Eisa
You have used wonderful imagery to describe the sky. I love the multi-coloured bow on her breast and I love your explanation of a thunderstorm. In spring, her rapturous tears shower away the winter’s grime; her freshness is enhanced by a multi-coloured bow across her breast. My only nit is with the last two lines. The stage on which she models her diverse fashions is the ever-changing roof across our world. They don't work for me and slightly dilute the powerful images previously described. Logically I have a problem as from your description of the previous verses, to me, it seems like she herself is the roof. If she was on the roof, then we wouldn't see her unless the roof was see-through because we'd be on the inside and she would be outside. Perhaps her stage is the earth itself. Maybe you could leave the last two lines out alltogether. Thanks for the read Nina |
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| Guest_Billydo_* |
Jun 5 05, 04:41
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#3
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Sparkling imagery here.
I'm with Nina ... the last two lines soften it quite a lot. Cheers Mike |
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Jun 5 05, 05:49
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 3,660 Joined: 23-August 03 From: Somerset, England Member No.: 22 Real Name: Grace Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Hello my dear friend Eisa,
You and I and the sky girl! This is quite lovely, as are all your nature pieces. Just a couple of comments to throw in.. At dawn she rises -- dressed in purple velvet, trimmed with crimson ribbons then mellows to pastel blue brocade, embellished with white lace appliqué. Her wispy hair is clasped into a golden crown, that shimmers in a veil across her shoulders. L5/6 Lovely description of the sun and its rays Eisa. In spring, her rapturous tears shower away the winter’s grime; her freshness is enhanced by a multi-coloured bow across her breast. L3 I feel that freshness is a little out of place among your brilliantly descriptive words here Eisa. Might I suggest her pristine looks enhanced by a multi-coloured bow across her breast. On tempestuous days her charcoal cloak shrouds the world with gloom, until illuminating arrows are thrown -- a warning of forthcoming wrath. Shouts resound until her rage has drenched us. L1 comma after days, Great depiction of thunder and lightning! Attired for night in sensuous dark damask, her swarthy face sparkles with silver piercings. A mother-of-pearl accessory adorns her raven locks with subtle beauty She cossets us in dreams, to repair ragged edges -- frayed by daytime stresses. L5/6 Lovely thought! The stage on which she models her diverse fashions is the ever-changing roof across our world. Like Nina, I had difficulty with this ending Eisa. If you want to use the last line, I feel the first would need to be changed. I read of a film title recently, which sounded so wonderful I thought it would be a great title for a poem. It was called ‘Under a sheltering sky’, and your poem describes that title beautifully. Thank you for the read my friend. ······· ······· Love
Grace  http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings! MM Award Winner     |
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Jun 5 05, 06:33
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#5
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Eira,
This is so beautiful!!! It feels great to read you again... I've missed that. I have to agree on the ending couplet, maybe a little rewording there? Lovely Read and heavenly images drawn so deftly as always. Hugs and much love Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Jun 8 05, 08:33
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#6
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Eisa ! :sun:
She cossets us in dreams, to repair ragged edges -- frayed by daytime stresses. What beautiful lines ! This is an extraordinary poem, Eisa, the way you have personified "the roof across our world", tranforming it into a woman in various striking attires. I love your closing lines. It makes it all very theatrical, which appears to me, indeed, to be the essence of your poem. The lady in question is like a character on stage, changing her costume rapidly as play-time progresses. The stage on which she models her diverse fashions is the ever-changing roof across our world. She is the stage, the roof, the sky and perhaps a good/bad mother figure as well ...brilliant !! Reminiscences of Shakespeare's "all the world's a stage...." and so on. But I like the contrast between your closing lines and the rest of the poem. The only word I'm not so comfortable with is "swarthy". Seems a more masculine sort of quality, but just a personal feeling, not to worry !! Wonderful early morning read, Eisa ! Thank you, Psyche :cheer: ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner  |
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Jun 8 05, 10:56
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#7
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 847 Joined: 14-November 03 From: Ireland Member No.: 41 Real Name: Lucie Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Hello Eisa
 This is beautiful..you really personified the sky..I was seeing the "person" at the centre of this..almost as a constant presence..her "diverse fashions" and everchanging moods, shaping the daily lives of those around her..it's really, really clever. Her wispy hair is clasped into a golden crown, that shimmers in a veil across her shoulders. wonderful!! I think these lines are my favourites A mother-of-pearl accessory adorns her raven locks with subtle beauty She cossets us in dreams, to repair ragged edges -- frayed by daytime stresses. so gentle and beautifully descriptive One tiny suggestion I had was perhaps to take out the word "is" in the last line The stage on which she models her diverse fashions, the ever-changing roof across our world. Every line in this poem tells a story..it's a pleasure to read! ······· ·······Lucie
"What could have made her peaceful with a mind That nobleness made simple as a fire, With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind That is not natural in an age like this, Being high and solitary and most stern? Why, what could she have done, being what she is? Was there another Troy for her to burn?" WB Yeats "No Second Troy" MM Award Winner |
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Jun 16 05, 18:25
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#8
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Nina
Thank you for your comments. I agree -- the last lines were rushed and didn't really fit in well. I will get thinking. Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 16 05, 18:27
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#9
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Billydo @ June 05 2005, 05:41) Sparkling imagery here. I'm with Nina ... the last two lines soften it quite a lot. Cheers Mike Hi Mike I agree -- the last 2 lines will have to go.  Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 16 05, 18:36
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#10
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Grace
It's lovely to hear from you. The word `pristine' is exactly what I am looking for -- thank you! :pharoah2 I think everyone is agreed about the lat 2 lines -- includung me. I'll get thinking. `Under Sheltering Sky' -- mmm... that has got me thinking. Thanks for your very expert help here Grace.  Love Snow  ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 16 05, 18:40
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#11
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Siren @ June 05 2005, 07:33) Eira, This is so beautiful!!! It feels great to read you again... I've missed that. I have to agree on the ending couplet, maybe a little rewording there? Lovely Read and heavenly images drawn so deftly as always. Hugs and much love Dani Hi Daniah How lovely to hear from you. I seem to be always in a rush these days. Everyone is agreed about the last lines so they will be revised. Hugs Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 16 05, 18:46
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#12
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hello Psyche
I think you are the first person to like the last 2 lines so far -- LOL! When I revise, I want to keep the same idea, but perhaps write it with a bit more impact. Thanks for your encouragement. Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 16 05, 18:51
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#13
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Lucie
Thank you so much for your lovely comments -- I found them most encouraging. Glad you enjoyed this one. :pharoah2 Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 17 05, 14:55
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#14
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Congrats Snow on your faery award winning tile!
 Well done!   ~Cleo :) ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jun 17 05, 16:25
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#15
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Snow !
I didn't mean to change your title, I was just expressing a preferance ! :oops: Hugs, Sylvia :sun: ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Nina_* |
Jun 18 05, 00:42
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#16
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Hi Snow
congratulations on winning a faery award for this enchanting poem. Nina |
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| Guest_Toumai_* |
Jun 18 05, 02:20
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#17
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Hi Snow,
What a beautiful description of the sky in all her majesty. I have no suggestions; just leaving a note to say how lovely I find this poem, and congrats on the faery award. Fran |
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Jun 18 05, 02:23
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#18
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,660 Joined: 23-August 03 From: Somerset, England Member No.: 22 Real Name: Grace Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Good morning Eisa,
 What a perfect resolution for the end of this beautiful poem, and I think the new title is wonderful!!  Congratulations on your Faery award Eisa. It is very richly deserved! I have copied this to read whenever I need a lift on a grey day. 
······· ······· Love
Grace http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 20 05, 03:38
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#19
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Cleo_Serapis @ June 17 2005, 15:55) Congrats Snow on your faery award winning tile! Well done! ~Cleo :) Wow Lori! -- this has made my day. Thank you to whoever nominated me for this award. I'm grinning from ear to ear. Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Jox_* |
 Jun 20 05, 03:47
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#20
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Hi Eisa,
Sorry I didn't originally comment on this poem. Many congratulations on your Faery Award - well done! J. |
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