Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Hugs, Haiku
Larry
post Oct 7 07, 08:15
Post #1


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hugs

Surrounded by warmth
Consoling, comforting, love
Touching skin and soul




This is probably considered to be Senryu in a Haiku format and in that format, shouldn't be titled but I title all my Haiku. One of the liberties we Westerner's take when striving to emulate that beautiful Japanese art form.


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 7 07, 09:04
Post #2


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Larry,

Yes, I would agree that this is more likely a Senyru since it is about people (emotion) and lacks a season. It is very lovely! lovie.gif

I suggest one change for you to ponder and that is 'touches' instead of 'touching'. You could also gain two sylls in L2 if you were to drop the 'ing's.

Just a thought.
Cheers
~Cleo sun.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
4rum
post Oct 7 07, 09:29
Post #3


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 271
Joined: 21-July 07
From: somewhere twixt 'n' tween
Member No.: 456
Real Name: Sam Richmond
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:N/A



It IS consoling and comforting whatever the form. This is one of the most pleasing 'kus' I've seen in a while. Very nice.
sam


·······IPB·······

Values are to integrity as spirit to spirituality ... the one is needed that the other is sustained ~ Sam

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Lady Poet
post Oct 7 07, 10:40
Post #4


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 181
Joined: 13-September 07
From: Conway, Arkansas
Member No.: 468
Real Name: Pamela
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:self



Hi Larry,

It's superb! Absolutely one of the best I've seen in a long time too. I've known haiku masters who title their works and those who don't. I suppose it's all relative to the artist. As far as I'm concerned I don't care if it has a title or not, it's what the poem conveys and how it makes me feel, and yours is a winner! I feel terrible today, and this little jewel made me feel a bit better. In short, I love it.

(((Hugs))) Pami dragonfly.gif


·······IPB·······

A relaxed attitude, and a heart of gratitude, increases life whilst joy doth exude! <:))))><
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Oct 7 07, 13:53
Post #5


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



QUOTE (4rum @ Oct 7 07, 09:29 ) *
It IS consoling and comforting whatever the form. This is one of the most pleasing 'kus' I've seen in a while. Very nice.
sam


Sam,
Thanks for the kudos on my haiku. It is one of 230+ in my book, "Below See Level" (pun intended). I'm glad it was pleasing. blush.gif

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Oct 7 07, 14:29
Post #6


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 7 07, 09:04 ) *
Hi Larry,

Yes, I would agree that this is more likely a Senyru since it is about people (emotion) and lacks a season. It is very lovely! lovie.gif

I suggest one change for you to ponder and that is 'touches' instead of 'touching'. You could also gain two sylls in L2 if you were to drop the 'ing's.

Just a thought.
Cheers
~Cleo sun.gif



Cleo,
Thanks for the confirmation on Senyru and I'm pleased you find it lovely. smile.gif I don't know if they require the same structural format as Haiku and yes, this one does not meet the "Nature" criteria unless one considers the nature of man. If I dropped the "ing's" though, I would have a 5-5-5 piece; which, to me, is not pleasing to the eye or ear. Both comforting and consoling are verb transitive and focus on causation for the person who receives pleasure or happiness from a hug. To lose the "ing" one must lose the mean-"ing".

thanks.gif
Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Oct 7 07, 14:32
Post #7


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



QUOTE (Lady Poet @ Oct 7 07, 10:40 ) *
Hi Larry,

It's superb! Absolutely one of the best I've seen in a long time too. I've known haiku masters who title their works and those who don't. I suppose it's all relative to the artist. As far as I'm concerned I don't care if it has a title or not, it's what the poem conveys and how it makes me feel, and yours is a winner! I feel terrible today, and this little jewel made me feel a bit better. In short, I love it.

(((Hugs))) Pami dragonfly.gif


Thank you Pamela. I hope you get to feeling better.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Jan 26 08, 10:37
Post #8


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Larry

Like everyone else, this has given me a warm glow today. I love your thinking behind this. An alternative way for you to ponder, of writing your words ~




Love surrounds with warmth
to console and comfort
touching skin and soul.


Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Feb 13 08, 10:13
Post #9


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Snow,

Glad my efforts brought you a warm glow. The "turn of phrase" is nice but being the stickler I am, it only has 5-6-5. I know our words are not as expressive as and can't be translated into Japanese and maintain the syllablic count but I would like to keep the last vestige of similarity to Haiku/Senyru as possible.

Maybe try this...

Love surrounds with warmth
to console and bring comfort
touching skin and soul.

Even without love, hugs seem to accomplish the same thing.

GroupHug.gif Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Feb 13 08, 10:23
Post #10


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



That would work there Larry, as you suggest above to maintain the 5/7/5 element of the Senryu form.

Good to bump.gif this one up as it's a timely message!

~Cleo lovie.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_bombadil1247_*
post May 10 08, 11:10
Post #11





Guest






Hi, Larry,

I've always believed that less is more in this form so I'd take the pruning shears and offer


Surrounding
Consoling, comforting:
skin and soul


Yours to use or lose of course,
Jim
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Jun 6 08, 09:20
Post #12


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Jim,

If I were to shorten my poem that much, it would no longer be considered Haiku/Senyru, even in their most liberal westerner format. There would be a 3-6-3 syllabic count and even then, may or may not be translatable into the Japanese 5-7-5 requsite syllables. Besides, where is the "love" and "warmth"? Gotta have those for a good hug.
Thanks for taking the time to come by for a read and a crit but I will have to "lose" that suggestion.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Aug 28 08, 15:35
Post #13





Guest






Larry, I agree with your 5-7-5 on hiaku as for titles thats a niether here or there for me, and I for one love hugs... pun intended.
Steve
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Sekhmet
post Feb 16 09, 11:03
Post #14


Greek
***

Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 743
Joined: 3-February 09
From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all



Hello Larry - I enjoyed this Senyru enormously, and as you seem to know rather a lot about this sort of thing, I have unilaterally nominated you to be my mentor. Lucky old you!
You have written a Senyru which speaks to me - yet I remain ignorant of the correct forms. I have been whizzing up and down the short form critiques, trying to get a handle on the basics.
Before becoming interested I, like most people, had understood that A Haiku should have a syllable pattern of 5-7-5, and should be about nature and/or Season. Yet I have found haikus with different syllable patterns - and shorter syllable counts; and the subject matter is not always seasonal. Also, would I be right in thinking that this poem, A Senyru, deals with human emotions?
I would be most grateful if you could direct me to a useful reference source for these delightful little cameo verses.
Thank you for your help so far,
Leo


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Feb 16 09, 16:35
Post #15


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (Sekhmet @ Feb 16 09, 16:03 ) *
Hello Larry - I enjoyed this Senyru enormously, and as you seem to know rather a lot about this sort of thing, I have unilaterally nominated you to be my mentor. Lucky old you!
You have written a Senyru which speaks to me - yet I remain ignorant of the correct forms. I have been whizzing up and down the short form critiques, trying to get a handle on the basics.
Before becoming interested I, like most people, had understood that A Haiku should have a syllable pattern of 5-7-5, and should be about nature and/or Season. Yet I have found haikus with different syllable patterns - and shorter syllable counts; and the subject matter is not always seasonal. Also, would I be right in thinking that this poem, A Senyru, deals with human emotions?
I would be most grateful if you could direct me to a useful reference source for these delightful little cameo verses.
Thank you for your help so far,
Leo


Hi Leo

I just happened to call here & saw your reply, so I hope you don't mind if I jump in here.
I agree, Larry's senyru has brought a warm glow to everyone reading it.

As to directing you to some information - we had 2 haiku/experts join us for a short while. Unfortunately they have left now, but they have left a treasuer chest of information

here

this thread explains why some people prefer the short/long/short pattern haiku to the traditional 5/7/5 lines.
There is a wealth of information if you have time to read it all (& get your head round it)

and here

and here

I think you'll find these links interesting, even if you prefer to stick to the traditional 5/7/5 pattern. I personally find it easier not to have the resctrictions most of the time.

Happy reading!
Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Feb 17 09, 01:16
Post #16


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Leo,

Thank you for the resurrection of "Hugs". I am pleased that my small offering spoke to you and that you enjoyed it so much. You honor me so with your "unilateral nomination" of mentorship. I'm sure there are many members of MM with more expertise than I when it comes to writing Haiku/Senryu. I accept your offer and will assist you with anything in which I am able or have some knowledge that might be of help. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, an expert at either form but I adore the challenge of expressing oneself in such a precise/concise format. There is no room for extraneous filler words; just the thought.

You are correct with your (I guess) rhetorical question about Senryu dealing with human emotions/interaction, etc. I believe this particular Japanese form also deals mainly with the satirical/humorous side as far as the content goes (possibly a Japanese form of a joke from someone with a very wry sense of humor). I've read a lot about these forms and written a good number of each but am, at best, a novice.

I see and appreciate Snow's links she provided and for stepping in and letting you in on the treasure trove of information available to the curious reader or the serious writer.

Thank you very much Snow. Both for your kind words and for your help and guidance to a fellow (Leo, I'm not being a chauvinist and can see by your avatar that you ain't no fellow!) writer and new member of MM's fine contingent of future Nobel Prize winners.

Seriously though. Thank you both for all you have said about my meager offering.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Sekhmet
post Feb 17 09, 03:41
Post #17


Greek
***

Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 743
Joined: 3-February 09
From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all




Good morning Snow - it was so good of you to, 'jump in', to hand me a torch to light the path of a would-be Haiku writer. I'll go and explore.
I admit to feeling at a loss about how to comment on a Haiku, (or anything similar) written by someone who is almost certain to be more aware of the conventions than myself.

I am reminded of the story of an extremely ancient expert on the subject of old Japanese Ivory - renowned for his ability to tell genuine old ivory carvings from the ubiquitous modern fake artifacts.
A much younger ivory dealer came to him, and asked;
" Tell me master, how can I, too, become infallible in my judgement of old ivory?'
The master replied
'Give me a month of your time, and I will teach you how it is done.'
The would-be master agreed at once, and was led into a room which was totally bare, apart from a simple rush mat,and a low rosewood table.
The old master silently gestured to the mat. 'Sit! Sit!' He then took from the voluminous sleeve of his robe - two intricately carved ivory figurines. He placed one figurine into his student's right hand,saying
'This is genuine ancient ivory.'
He placed the other figure into his student's left hand, and said
'This is an excellent modern copy.'
He turned and left.
For one whole month, the student sat on the mat, holding the two ivory figures, and drinking the cool water and plain rice which was brought to him each day.
After one month, the old master returned to the room.
The student sprang to his feet,
'I have done as you said, master - what will you show me next?'
The Old master smilingly waved the young man away, saying
You have already learned all there is to know on the subject.'

Thanks again,
Leo


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Sekhmet
post Feb 17 09, 04:02
Post #18


Greek
***

Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 743
Joined: 3-February 09
From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all



Good morning, Larry. Thank you so much for letting me turn to you for advice - I apparently have to comment, whether or not I feel competent - So, I looked for someone who,'chimed true', to be of assistance.
You were he!

"I adore the challenge of expressing oneself in such a precise/concise format. There is no room for extraneous filler words; just the thought"

These words of yours exactly express what appeals to me about the form - such precision of thought requires tremendous concentration.
I am a pretty fair cook; and it reminds me of the preparation of a good stock. Concentration, re-concentration, adjustment of flavour; and finally clarification, and the removal of all extraneous fat.
Sounds like a Haiku to me!
I'll go and read - and come back if I have any questions.
Many thanks for your kind help,
Leo


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Feb 17 09, 11:28
Post #19


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Leo

I hope you have had chance to read some of the links (I have to admit there is so much to read that I haven't had time to read all)

I think it's not a matter of tradition versus modern in the haiku form (well, I think all traditional crafts are better made than most modern) but more a translation of syllables, when English syllables don't match up to Japanese -- but then I'm sure you'll have read that in the links by now.

Happy learning & I look froward to your writing

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Maggie
post Feb 17 09, 21:42
Post #20


Greek
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in



Hi Larry,

What a heartwarming and beautiful senryu!!! Wow!!!

Peggy


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 28th March 2024 - 14:59




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: