Doubtful Directives, For crits & nits! Options

[Psyche]

(Just out of the oven. Had to write something to get worse thoughts out of my head..)


Go… slip into your familiar fiefdom sealed to me;
I’ll say adios now –to my feelings not you-
as I release your angel arm,
admitting the unattainable.

Go with your peers through nether
portals of the mind, stranger than witchcraft.
Dark shores bordering lightness!
Maybe I too will traverse their sands,
beyond reason, more cryptic than art
or the poetic word.

My goodbye is irreversible. You’ll not know
me if I, too, plummet into improvident spans.
Today I can only sit by you, disregarding
your prattle, valuing nothing,
yet confident of some sheltering empathy
in the synchronicity of our lives.

Go before I burst out crying for the self
I loved in you; stumble off as if nothing
happened, when everything has happened!
Grope your droll road to baffling echelons
with their odd laws -everything has laws,
even lunacy-
I’ll not browbeat you back
into this world tagged normal.

Set off now!
It’s time to let go…

By Psyche

© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.
All rights reserved.

[Eisa]

Hi Syl

It's so good seeing you feel well enough to tackle revision. I cannot see much if anything to nit here ... it is well written. I'll take another look.

Go… slip into your familiar fiefdom sealed to me;
I’ll say adios now –to my feelings not you-
as I release your angel arm,
admitting the unattainable.

Perhaps write adios in italics to show it's spoken.
I'm not sure the dash is needed at the end of that line.

Go with your peers through nether
portals of the mind, stranger than witchcraft.
Dark shores bordering lightness!
Maybe I too will traverse their sands,
beyond reason, more cryptic than art
or the poetic word.

My goodbye is irreversible. You’ll not know
me if I, too, plummet into improvident spans.
Today I can only sit by you, disregarding
your prattle, valuing nothing,
yet confident of some sheltering empathy
in the synchronicity of our lives.

Go before I burst out crying for the self
I loved in you; stumble off as if nothing
happened, when everything has happened!
Grope your droll road to baffling echelons
with their odd laws -everything has laws,
even lunacy-
I’ll not browbeat you back
into this world tagged normal.

As you started the poem off
Go ...
perhaps adding elipses might be an idea to start here too.

'burst out crying' might be considered a bit cliche. Perhaps a metaphor might come across stronger
eg .... howl like a wolf for the self... (perhaps that's over the top! LOL!)


Set off now!
It’s time to let go…

Very poignant end, Syl.

As to the long goodbye, I'd not heard of it either until I found my mother had Alzheimer's and someone mentioned it to me.
I think there was always a part of her old self there hid by a mist at times. Yes. it is an awful disease!

Let's not dwell ... I hope something I've said will help your poem.

Hugs
Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Eira

Thanks so much for reading me again. I don't know how I'll feel when I return to B.A. There are always so many things to deal with. Inspiration wavers.. At the moment the wind is blowing fiercely, a real windstorm with some rainfall. I'm fairly high up on the side of a hill, and with picture windows it's impressive. In spite of the cold, I went off to Bariloche town and had a long walk along the touristy streets, picked up a warm rainproof beret that covers my ears! Also walked by the choppy lake near the port.

If you have time, do Google Bariloche, you'll be surprised at what a wonderful resort it is, here at the tail end of the world....LOL...It's a winter & summer resort, plenty to do.

Hi Syl

It's so good seeing you feel well enough to tackle revision. I cannot see much if anything to nit here ... it is well written. I'll take another look.[/b]<<<Thank you..


Go… slip into your familiar fiefdom sealed to me;
I’ll say adios now –to my feelings not you-
as I release your angel arm,
admitting the unattainable.
[b]
Perhaps write adios in italics to show it's spoken.<<<<<<Yes!

I'm not sure the dash is needed at the end of that line. <<<<Hmmmm...

Go with your peers through nether
portals of the mind, stranger than witchcraft.
Dark shores bordering lightness!
Maybe I too will traverse their sands,
beyond reason, more cryptic than art
or the poetic word.

My goodbye is irreversible. You’ll not know
me if I, too, plummet into improvident spans.
Today I can only sit by you, disregarding
your prattle, valuing nothing,
yet confident of some sheltering empathy
in the synchronicity of our lives.

Go before I burst out crying for the self
I loved in you; stumble off as if nothing
happened, when everything has happened!
Grope your droll road to baffling echelons
with their odd laws -everything has laws,
even lunacy-
I’ll not browbeat you back
into this world tagged normal.

As you started the poem off
Go ...
perhaps adding elipses might be an idea to start here too.<<<<<OK

'burst out crying' might be considered a bit cliche. Perhaps a metaphor might come across stronger
eg .... howl like a wolf for the self... (perhaps that's over the top! LOL!)[/b]<<<<Yes, perhaps I could use howl, but let me think about the wolf bit!

Set off now!
[b]Very poignant end, Syl
It’s time to let go…<<<<<< Yes....thank you.

BTW, does the title fit? I want to show that everything is a jumble in the poet's mind. Precisely because of what you say below, that 'long goodbye'...

As to the long goodbye, I'd not heard of it either until I found my mother had Alzheimer's and someone mentioned it to me.
I think there was always a part of her old self there hid by a mist at times. Yes. it is an awful disease! <<<<I strongly agree.


Let's not dwell ... I hope something I've said will help your poem.


You've certainly helped me, Snow. Thank you!
Hugs!

Hugs
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Eira

Thanks so much for reading me again. I don't know how I'll feel when I return to B.A. There are always so many things to deal with. Inspiration wavers.. At the moment the wind is blowing fiercely, a real windstorm with some rainfall. I'm fairly high up on the side of a hill, and with picture windows it's impressive. In spite of the cold, I went off to Bariloche town and had a long walk along the touristy streets, picked up a warm rainproof beret that covers my ears! Also walked by the choppy lake near the port.

If you have time, do Google Bariloche, you'll be surprised at what a wonderful resort it is, here at the tail end of the world....LOL...It's a winter & summer resort, plenty to do.

Hi Syl

I know it is always easier to write when you have no pressures. Try & hang in there, when you return to BA. perhpas if you set aside a certain time each day. (easy for me to say, eh?) I have been so happy to see your real self here recently.

Another thought for your poem:

Go before I burst out crying for the self

Another suggestion for this line might be

Go before the damn bursts, releasing all my tears. or similar.

Yes, the title fits, but perhaps not direct enough -- something could have more impact. The Long Goodbye has probably been used before -- but perhaps you could think of something that means the same.

Hugs
Snow

I'm off to google Bariloche