Doubtful Directives, For crits & nits! Options

[Psyche]

(Just out of the oven. Had to write something to get worse thoughts out of my head..)


Go… slip into your familiar fiefdom sealed to me;
I’ll say adios now –to my feelings not you-
as I release your angel arm,
admitting the unattainable.

Go with your peers through nether
portals of the mind, stranger than witchcraft.
Dark shores bordering lightness!
Maybe I too will traverse their sands,
beyond reason, more cryptic than art
or the poetic word.

My goodbye is irreversible. You’ll not know
me if I, too, plummet into improvident spans.
Today I can only sit by you, disregarding
your prattle, valuing nothing,
yet confident of some sheltering empathy
in the synchronicity of our lives.

Go before I burst out crying for the self
I loved in you; stumble off as if nothing
happened, when everything has happened!
Grope your droll road to baffling echelons
with their odd laws -everything has laws,
even lunacy-
I’ll not browbeat you back
into this world tagged normal.

Set off now!
It’s time to let go…

By Psyche

© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.
All rights reserved.

[Eisa]

Hi Syl

It's so good seeing you feel well enough to tackle revision. I cannot see much if anything to nit here ... it is well written. I'll take another look.

Go… slip into your familiar fiefdom sealed to me;
I’ll say adios now –to my feelings not you-
as I release your angel arm,
admitting the unattainable.

Perhaps write adios in italics to show it's spoken.
I'm not sure the dash is needed at the end of that line.

Go with your peers through nether
portals of the mind, stranger than witchcraft.
Dark shores bordering lightness!
Maybe I too will traverse their sands,
beyond reason, more cryptic than art
or the poetic word.

My goodbye is irreversible. You’ll not know
me if I, too, plummet into improvident spans.
Today I can only sit by you, disregarding
your prattle, valuing nothing,
yet confident of some sheltering empathy
in the synchronicity of our lives.

Go before I burst out crying for the self
I loved in you; stumble off as if nothing
happened, when everything has happened!
Grope your droll road to baffling echelons
with their odd laws -everything has laws,
even lunacy-
I’ll not browbeat you back
into this world tagged normal.

As you started the poem off
Go ...
perhaps adding elipses might be an idea to start here too.

'burst out crying' might be considered a bit cliche. Perhaps a metaphor might come across stronger
eg .... howl like a wolf for the self... (perhaps that's over the top! LOL!)


Set off now!
It’s time to let go…

Very poignant end, Syl.

As to the long goodbye, I'd not heard of it either until I found my mother had Alzheimer's and someone mentioned it to me.
I think there was always a part of her old self there hid by a mist at times. Yes. it is an awful disease!

Let's not dwell ... I hope something I've said will help your poem.

Hugs
Snow