revision-
When cataracts form clouds across my eyes
like fog that settles on the coastal skies;
where creaky knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,
please help me not relinquish vanity
to illnesses or pain. Just swaddle me
in classic silk pajamas, sleek and black,
with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack
to drape around my bones, or pink housecoat
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor. A single chain
of gold, Ann Taylor slacks. Let me abstain
from wearing Mumus, curlers in the hair,
of anything that may alarm or scare
the neighbors. Pictures not lamentable,
just well preserved and deemed presentable.
first one
When cataracts form clouds across my eyes
like fog that settles on the coastal skies;
and feeble knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,
help me to not relinquish vanity
to illnesses or pain. Just swaddle me
in classic silk pajamas, sleek and black,
with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack
to drape around my bones, nor pink housecoat
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor. A single chain
of gold, Ann Taylor slacks. Let me abstain
from wearing sweat shirts, curlers in my hair,
of anything that may alarm or scare
the neighbors. Pictures not lamentable,
just well preserved and deemed presentable.
Hi Karen
This one made me smile - I can so relate to this, now I'm getting older.
Your rhymes are unobtrusive to the general flow here and I only faultered in one place
help me to not relinquish vanity
sounded a little awkward first time I read - second time was not so bad. Perhaps, something like
Please help me not relinquish vanity
sounds a little stronger.
It's always great to read your work.
Snow
Thanks Eisa-
Sounds much better your way! Glad you smiled- :-)
K
Karen,
When I read the first two lines, I just knew this was going to be a smooth read because you start off with such a lyrical, lilting bounce.
It would be nice if we all could look our best as we age; I particularly enjoyed your reference to Ann Taylor, that in of itself tells me you are a fashionable person.
I wouldn't change a thing, I would only ask that you add another verse, you left me wanting for more images that I can relate to.
JLY
Hi JLY,
Thanks for your kind reply- I appreciate the comments.
Karen
Hi karen,
I wanted to wish you well with this "slice of life" poem at the IBPC.
I suggest changing S1L3 to:
where creaky knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,
with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack
to drape around my bones, or pink housecoat (I think you might need to change 'or' to 'nor' since your prelude is 'no flannel sack'? Another option is to endstop after 'bones' and start a new sentence so not such a run on simply with 'No pink housecoat...')
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor.
Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo
Ho Cleo-
Thanks for that- I changed a few things, hope it's better now :-)
K
FABULOUS!!!
Good luck!
Hi, Karen,
congratulations in the nomination and good luck in the IBPC - nice to see two structured going forward. :)
Jim
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