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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ A LEAK FROM ON HIGH ***

Posted by: Alan Dec 19 15, 17:57

A LEAK FROM ON HIGH

A rumor has it,
something big's going down.
Holiday Inn's packed
it's all over the town

But nobody knows
yet, quite what it could be
opinions run riot
not a single room's free

They're packing them in
outhouses and stable
wherever they'll fit -
most uncomfortable

Three Wise Men journey
they're not travelling blind
with some precious gifts
seem to know what's in mind ?

They'd done their planning
days before, from afar
a vision, they claim
to pursue a bright Star

So how did they know
and what gave them the tip
who leaked their purpose
before start of their trip ?

Not secure, their plan
someone had the detail
had to be Big Man
Who knew it would not fail

Thus Jesus was born
in a humble hay stack
with Three Kings so wise
AND THERE'S NO GOING BACK !

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Posted by: Merlin Dec 19 15, 18:38

Merry Christmas, Alan, and hoping you're enjoying the islands.
Your title did it to me, reminding of #2 grandson when we went bird-watching up in an observation deck. There was no-one else around, so why not. He's a boy after all!

Merlin

PS, yes, I read the poem. Fits the season perfectly.

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 19 15, 19:13

Thank you for the deLightful take on the natal story, my friend!

I hope you know that you've been sorely missed in these parts... and that this is the beginning of your appearing regularly again!

in Light of your insight, Daniel

Posted by: Alan Dec 19 15, 20:22

Dear Merlin and Daniel,

Thank you both so much for the comments.

I really only disappeared cuz I ran out of things to say, my muse went thataway. But luckily that illogic of the wise men being way ahead of the game was the kind of thought that got me hooked.

And Daniel, I got your kind words on the birthday, but could not log on at that time, so thank you belatedly for the greetings. Lori sorted that.

Love
Alan

Posted by: Psyche Dec 21 15, 02:46

Greetings, Alan! Long time no see...LOL.
Hope your muse doesn't go thataway again. No idea when your birthday was, but here's hoping all your wishes come true.

Read your take on nativity, no crits or nits...

So whistleblowers were around way back then! Consequences were awful, I mean Herod killing all the babes.

Happy Christmas to you and all your family,
Syl***

Posted by: Alan Dec 21 15, 04:05

Dear Sylvia,

Thank you for the warm (re)welcome. too would prefer to have something valid to say !

Love
Alan

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 21 15, 18:37

Hello Alan,

It is so wonderful to read your poetry again. The smile it left, as well as the woven seriousness of topic is my treasure. I liked voice, especially in S1. Brought to mind a little tough guy telling it like it is.

S2L2, felt awkward for yet, quite. It may be a personal preference. Some thoughts for you to consider might be for sure, what it could be / surely what it could be.

I did also find table/uncomfortable stumble, but I would not offer a change as it was one of the lighthearted lines that made me smile, especially when you pronounce it to make it rhyme. So just saying - :)

You offer some lovely lighthearted rhymes to lead to a stronger ending stanza. A very good holiday poem that brings a smile.

Best to you, Liz

QUOTE (Alan @ Dec 19 15, 17:57 )

A LEAK FROM ON HIGH

A rumor has it,
something big's going down.
Holiday Inn's packed
it's all over the town

But nobody knows,
yet, quite what it could be
opinions run riot
not a single room's free

They're packing them in
outhouses and stable
wherever they'll fit -
most uncomfortable

Three Wise Men journey
they're not travelling blind
with some precious gifts
seem to know what's in mind ?

Perhaps "Do they know what's in mind?"

They'd done their planning
days before, from afar
a vision, they claim
to pursue a bright Star

I liked this very much

So how did they know
and what gave them the tip
who leaked great purpose
before start of their trip ?

L3, perhaps who leaked such purpose,
L4, at the start of their trip/ by onset of their trip/

before seems forced and to my ear just doesn't add that kick that the stanza seems to reach for. Of course there are other alternatives. Please use what helps and discard that which doesn't.

Not secure, their plan
someone had the detail
had to be Big Man
Who knew it would not fail

Thus Jesus was born
in a humble hay stack
with Three Kings so wise
AND THERE'S NO GOING BACK !

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Posted by: Alan Dec 21 15, 20:32

Dear Liz,

FanTASTic to hear from you again ! The old (not so much of that, young man !) crew.

Your notes are appreciated, and I have changed one, where 'great' jarred. But the before is important, needs that emphasis. Hence the italics to give that kick, but removing the 'great' was distracting. 'Before' is the whole point of the poem !

Thanks for the detailed comment.

Love
Alan