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> Sorrow, Sonnet (working on it)
Psyche
post Feb 13 22, 16:13
Post #1


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Sorrow

When you were yet a child, so dear to me,
tummy flat upon the rug, finger on a book
to read the lines, your lips a babbling brook,
my heart went out to you, my busy bumble-bee.

I loved those hours, filled with joyous play,
loved your curly hair and sturdy limbs
so quick your favorite branch to climb.
There were no better times or happier days

and now I sit beside your arms upon the quilt,
so motionless, their lifeline out of symmetry,
and cannot grasp the ingrate chronology,
must hide my face awhile, with tears of guilt.

I marvel at the gallant spirit in you,
understand the battle in those dimming eyes
and guess your nameless sorrow, the solitude,
youth’s body wasted frail your soul to heaven rise.


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"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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JustDaniel
post Feb 15 22, 22:15
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The title of this "Sorrow" poem says it's "Patrick" on the section header! ?

You've created an engaging "envelope sonnet," namely starting abbacddc but then usually going either to efgefg or efefef, though some of my own go effe gg, but that's just my rebellion. YOURS however goes effe ghgh and with two more than the normal 14 lines in a sonnet.

Although the thrust of your piece is the usual Iambic Pentameter, it varies considerably:

When you were yet a child, so dear to me, - IP
tummy flat upon the rug, finger on a book - trochee w/ a hiccup at "finger", 13 syllables
to read the lines, your lips a babbling brook, - IP
my heart went out to you, my busy bumble-bee. - iambic to trochee at "bumble", 12 syllables

I loved those hours, filled with joyous play, - IP, if you pronounce "hours" as "ow-ers"
loved your curly hair and sturdy limbs - trochee, 9 syllables ("I" at beginning makes it IP)
so quick your favorite branch to climb. - iambic, 8 syllables
There were no better times or happier days - IP, if you pronounce "happier" as "hap-yer"

and now I sit beside your arms upon the quilt, - iambic, 12 syllables
so motionless, their lifeline out of symmetry, - iambic, 12 syllables
and cannot grasp the ingrate chronology, - iambic w/ hiccup at "chronology", 11 syllables
must hide my face awhile, with tears of guilt. - IP

I marvel at the gallant spirit in you, - iambic w/ hiccup at "in", 11 syllables
understand the battle in those dimming eyes - trochee, 11 syllables
and guess your nameless sorrow, the solitude, - iambic w/ hiccup at "the", 11 syllables
youth’s body wasted frail your soul to heaven rise. - iambic, though first syllable accented, 12 syllables

Again, I hope that helps. Let me know how you want to proceed.

deLighting to "help", Daniel


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Psyche
post Feb 16 22, 13:14
Post #3


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 7,180
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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 16 22, 00:15 ) *
The title of this "Sorrow" poem says it's "Patrick" on the section header! ?

You've created an engaging "envelope sonnet," namely starting abbacddc but then usually going either to efgefg or efefef, though some of my own go effe gg, but that's just my rebellion. YOURS however goes effe ghgh and with two more than the normal 14 lines in a sonnet.

Although the thrust of your piece is the usual Iambic Pentameter, it varies considerably:

When you were yet a child, so dear to me, - IP
tummy flat upon the rug, finger on a book - trochee w/ a hiccup at "finger", 13 syllables
to read the lines, your lips a babbling brook, - IP
my heart went out to you, my busy bumble-bee. - iambic to trochee at "bumble", 12 syllables

I loved those hours, filled with joyous play, - IP, if you pronounce "hours" as "ow-ers"
loved your curly hair and sturdy limbs - trochee, 9 syllables ("I" at beginning makes it IP)
so quick your favorite branch to climb. - iambic, 8 syllables
There were no better times or happier days - IP, if you pronounce "happier" as "hap-yer"

and now I sit beside your arms upon the quilt, - iambic, 12 syllables
so motionless, their lifeline out of symmetry, - iambic, 12 syllables
and cannot grasp the ingrate chronology, - iambic w/ hiccup at "chronology", 11 syllables
must hide my face awhile, with tears of guilt. - IP

I marvel at the gallant spirit in you, - iambic w/ hiccup at "in", 11 syllables
understand the battle in those dimming eyes - trochee, 11 syllables
and guess your nameless sorrow, the solitude, - iambic w/ hiccup at "the", 11 syllables
youth’s body wasted frail your soul to heaven rise. - iambic, though first syllable accented, 12 syllables

Again, I hope that helps. Let me know how you want to proceed.

deLighting to "help", Daniel



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Feb 16 22, 13:17
Post #4


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 7,180
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



QUOTE (Psyche @ Feb 16 22, 15:14 ) *
QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 16 22, 00:15 ) *
The title of this "Sorrow" poem says it's "Patrick" on the section header! ?

You've created an engaging "envelope sonnet," namely starting abbacddc but then usually going either to efgefg or efefef, though some of my own go effe gg, but that's just my rebellion. YOURS however goes effe ghgh and with two more than the normal 14 lines in a sonnet.

Although the thrust of your piece is the usual Iambic Pentameter, it varies considerably:

When you were yet a child, so dear to me, - IP
tummy flat upon the rug, finger on a book - trochee w/ a hiccup at "finger", 13 syllables
to read the lines, your lips a babbling brook, - IP
my heart went out to you, my busy bumble-bee. - iambic to trochee at "bumble", 12 syllables

I loved those hours, filled with joyous play, - IP, if you pronounce "hours" as "ow-ers"
loved your curly hair and sturdy limbs - trochee, 9 syllables ("I" at beginning makes it IP)
so quick your favorite branch to climb. - iambic, 8 syllables
There were no better times or happier days - IP, if you pronounce "happier" as "hap-yer"

and now I sit beside your arms upon the quilt, - iambic, 12 syllables
so motionless, their lifeline out of symmetry, - iambic, 12 syllables
and cannot grasp the ingrate chronology, - iambic w/ hiccup at "chronology", 11 syllables
must hide my face awhile, with tears of guilt. - IP

I marvel at the gallant spirit in you, - iambic w/ hiccup at "in", 11 syllables
understand the battle in those dimming eyes - trochee, 11 syllables
and guess your nameless sorrow, the solitude, - iambic w/ hiccup at "the", 11 syllables
youth’s body wasted frail your soul to heaven rise. - iambic, though first syllable accented, 12 syllables

Again, I hope that helps. Let me know how you want to proceed.

deLighting to "help", Daniel




Thanks so much, Daniel. There's a lot to be fixed in this "sonnet". I'll have to work very hard on it.
Grateful for your help. The title is To Patrick, my son who died of ALS aged 29.


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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JustDaniel
post Feb 17 22, 05:01
Post #5


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Posts: 16,435
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From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



re the Title, I guessed that, but you have the SAME TITLE in the forum listed for both poems; one should be changed.

I do hope my notes will help in some way.

deLighting to share, Daniel rollerskater.gif


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Slow down; things will go faster!

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Psyche
post Feb 17 22, 12:50
Post #6


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 7,180
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 17 22, 07:01 ) *
re the Title, I guessed that, but you have the SAME TITLE in the forum listed for both poems; one should be changed.

I do hope my notes will help in some way.

deLighting to share, Daniel rollerskater.gif


Yes, I'll correct the title part. Your suggestions and corrections are spot on. I shall try to do a revision for you and come back with it. Thanks so much!


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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JustDaniel
post Feb 18 22, 06:31
Post #7


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 16,435
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Will look forward to it... and please change the Title at the head of the Forum (of one of your pieces, of course, not both!) ... so I won't be confused, please!


·······IPB·······

Slow down; things will go faster!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Feb 19 22, 12:39
Post #8


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 7,180
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 18 22, 08:31 ) *
Will look forward to it... and please change the Title at the head of the Forum (of one of your pieces, of course, not both!) ... so I won't be confused, please!


I just changed one title. I'm going to post the other sonnet with some corrections, but it's still very poor. Perhaps you can help out a bit and we can be joint authors. writersblock.gif


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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