Remember the Humans [Revised 02 Jul 2012], inspired from a Pandora challenge Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Title: Remember the Humans
Author: Lorraine M Kanter
Word Count:
Date: Apr 2, 2005
Revised: 02 July 2012


“You DO know how important this mission is, Mada, don’t you?” Solon paused as he skimmed through the written recordings of all previous time portal jumps. “This last jump might be our only salvation. You must succeed.”

“Yes, Prince Solon, I do.”  Mada replied while tapping something on his personal digital assistant.  Squinting from the light of the time portal, he added, “I will do my best, sir… as always.”

Inching toward the portal, mesmerized by swirls of color, Mada touched his PDA again and vanished.

When Mada came to, the world he once knew was no more. Time was now a contradiction in terms. In his time, the liquid cold fusion required to charge the portal became such an eminent threat to the survival of the planet, that this would be his last jump.  His lingering in the void only hastened his tentative steps to find what he sought.  He glided along the overgrown countryside like a slithering snake looking for a morsel in a world where morsels didn’t exist. He had to find it!

A flicker of intense light temporarily blinded him.

It took a few moments to regain his perfect vision, even after flipping down his night vision visor. Did they see me? He wondered as he instinctively ducked low and dimmed the PDA. Salt tickled his nose as beads of sweat smeared his face and chin. He stumbled a few paces, covered his mouth as if to scream, inhaled deeply and stepped forward, closer to the patroling robots. They hadn't noticed his arrival; they were too busy torturing soon-to-be roadkill.

“Sector 8-123-659 secure. There is no one here. Shall we return to base? Triton Three-Four, over.”

Mada shifted his position lower in the overgrown thatch, given that the two enforcers stood only about 500 yards in front of his hiding place. He punched the record button and whispered, "Robotics have come so far; the enforcers look humanoid!"

The silence broke when the second enforcer replied to headquartes, "Triton Six-Three, acknowledged. Returning to base."

Beads of sweat made a channel straight to his chin, sending a welcomed chill through his body. Mada searched the word ‘TRITON’ with a trembling hand. Mere fractions of a second later, a surreal greenish fog emanated from it and floated away, toward the robots. "I hope this works." He said without conviction.

A few moments later, the extraordinary fog reached the Tritons as they turned their back to where Mada was secreted and staggered to their interceptor vehicle. Without warning, Triton Six-Three suddenly lunged at Triton Three-Four. A clanging of metal on metal followed, and then abruptly halted. Triton Six-Three had just disconnected his partner’s Unity pathway, leaving it comatose and unable to communicate with any other: TERMINATION - TRITON THREE-FOUR COMPLETE.

Achromatic colors sped past in a silhouetted apparition at a velocity exceeding human visual comprehension. However, what the human eye could not register, the PDA did. A putrid stench erupted, as flesh peeled away from Triton Three-Four's cybernetic exoskeleton. Mada stretched his neck upward just high enough to glimpse the steel towers and laser torches beyond, where his Camelot waited.

Thump. Thump. THUMP. Silence. Binary codes flashed across the sky. Mada dropped to the ground, shaking in muscular tremors. Heat seared through his consciousness, but there was no pain. Triton Six-Three had succeeded. He was resistant to Mada's flesh-eating biological weapon.

“Halt! You have been scanned. Identification please.” Triton Six-Three bellowed.

Reaching for his lifeline, Mada knew it would aid him. Sweat beaded down his brow again, stinging his eyes. He shouted, “I am not from this city. I… you… will see from my Personal Identification Chip.” He staggered and collapsed in front of the interceptor, where he glimpsed the Library of Records just beyond. Camelot does exist! “Please let me go; I mean you no harm.” He pleaded.

A labyrinth of digits flashed into the sallow sky then: reds, blues, greens and whites, each representing a unique record. Triton Six-Three froze. “You do not lie. You do not exist.”  He frisked Mada acutely, cutting him, causing blood to spew from his wrist. The Triton then instinctively licked the wound clean before Mada realized what had just happened. A sharp singe followed, cauterizing flesh. He twirled around, whisked Mada into his interceptor and froze yet again. Something did not compute.

“If you let me go, I will tell no one.” Mada lifted his weapon of choice, aimed it at the enforcer, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. He leaned closer and peered into the Triton's black eye sockets. “I am from another time. This is why your library has no record of me, and I have just rendered YOU disconnected.”

Mada’s faith had sustained him. He believed that in spite of the robotic future, there HAD to be some humanity left. He needed to tap into it that very moment, with that very robot - his own savior. His thoughts were abruptly interrupted.  “Triton Six-Three, report to base at once, over.” The Triton did not hear the message: could not hear it.

Mada leaned fully into the Triton’s face, where he saw only blackness. “You must help me.” He squatted low and pulled a picture from his boot. Bile started to creep up and into his throat and mouth. He swallowed it back. “I need this device. You must get it for me. You know where this is.”

Triton Six-Three scanned the picture into his database - again instinctively. “I have seen this… in the old city of Jerusalem,” the robot hesitated, “What need does this serve, this… thing? Surely, it is not your PIDC?” He tossed the picture into the sky and zapped it to the Nothingness, just as his program mandated the 'No evidence' creed.

Mada toyed with his throbbing wrist wound and loosened his grip on it. I am in control of this one now, he thought. “You will not question me. Do as I ask. Do you understand?”

“I understand.”

Mada snapped to a dominant position for the first time since his arrival in this time. This hold will not last long, he feared.

They reached Camelot within the hour, obtained the Holy Chalice he needed to create a miracle and sat in the Court of the Kings of Old for a moment longer, human and robot together. “I will remember you, Triton Six-Three,” Mada hugged him close. Salty tears streamed down his face again, along with a few more drops of his blood, straight into the chalice of change. Triton Six-Three wiped them away by licking up the evidence. History was altered. “Will you remember me?”

The Triton replied, “Of course, you are my inverse. My name is Adam.”  

Remember the Humans…

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jul 2 12, 21:34

Reason for edit: Revision 3: 02 July 2012

[Guest_Jox_*]

Sorry, Lori,

I've been trying to crit this for ages and simply have too little time now - so i hope to be back.

Just one quick point - our shower has just packed in and the brand is "Triton" - so might be best I leave critting until later!

See you,

J.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi James.

Cool!

I admit that this is pretty much a 'narrator' story. Anything you can offer to help me with the infamous, "show v. tell" that I am trying to learn more about is most appreciated, as well as your normal 'excellent tips'.

Cheers!
Cleo

[Siren]

Lori,

This was such an entertaining read. It's late right now and I'll be back soon. I just wanted to share my preliminary thoughts. I like the dialogue in this. The transition from one scene to the next was smooth.

I'll be back though.

Hugs
Dani

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Daniah!

Thanks so much! I certainly look forward to your suggestions. Dialogue is one of those things - did I write too much, not enough, or something in between?

I spot a few areas where I see improvement should be made. For instance here:


Triton 63 next instinctively licked the wound clean before Mada ever realized what happened. A singe followed, cauterizing the flesh. He twirled around, whisked Mada into his interceptor and froze again.

I think the above needs alot of work or may not even  be necessary? I was trying to go for a vampire robot, bit changed my mind, .

“If you let me go, I will tell no one.” Mada lifted his security blanket, aimed it at Triton 63, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. He leaned closer, “I am from another time. This is why your library has no record of me, and I have just rendered YOU disconnected.”

Here - I do not 'show' what is happening and what trion 63 does in response - the actions of the two....

I look forward to your return Dani.  

Happy new day!
~Cleo

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori...


Since you asked so flatteringly!

Here’s some suggestions for the piece as is. I’ll try to return later to suggest different ways of approach - the tell / show thing - not that I do it especially well.

Anyway, for now: Suggestions: {omit} [add] (comments) - as always, your choices.

TTFN, J.

It was their darkest hour. Actually, it was everyone’s…

“You DO know how important this mission is, Mada, don’t you?” Solon paused, heart racing, “This last jump could be our only salvation.”

“Yes, Price Solon, I do.” Mada yawned tapping on his PDA. Squinting from the light of the time portal, he added. “I will do my best, sir… as always.”

(It might be a good idea to use the full term first, followed by the abbreviation. Not everyone knows what terms mean - e.g. “PDA” (Personal Digital Assistant - an electronic notebook / diary etc. If you’d prefer not to do that, the I suggest a footnote-explanation).

Inching toward the portal, mesmerized by swirls of color, Mada touched his PDA and vanished.

When Mada came to, the world he once knew was no more. Time was not on his side (cliche) and his lingering in the void only hastened his tentative steps. He crept along the overgrown countryside like a slithering snake  (snakes don’t creep) looking for a morsel in a world where morsels didn’t exist. He had to find it!

A flicker of intense light seared his psyche.

Mada blinked and flipped down his night vision visor. Did they see me? He ducked low and dimmed his PDA. Salt tickled his tongue instantaneously. He stumbled a few paces, covered his mouth as if to scream, inhaled deeply, and stepped forward. (Don’t use commas before “and” usually)

“Sector 8-123-659 secure. There is no one here. Return to base?” Triton three-four inquired.

"Triton six-three, acknowledged. Returning to base."

(I didn’t understand the above. If T34 was on patrol then T63 should have said “Return to base.” However, if T63 were on patrol then T34 would not have said “There is no one here.” So which is on patrol and I think the words need attention).

Wiping sweat that had pooled on his chin, Mada tapped the word ‘TRITON’ into his PDA with a trembling hand. A split second (cliche) later, a surreal greenish fog emanated from it and floated away {from him,} toward the robots.

An extraordinary, shimmering fog befell the two robots as they turned their back to [where] Mada{’s} [was] secreted {position} and headed to their interceptor vehicle. With no admonition, Triton 63 lunged at Triton 34. A clinking of metal on metal followed, and then abruptly halted. Triton 63 had just disconnected his partner’s Unity pathway: TERMINATION - TRITON 34.

The colors of silver and blue sped past, at a velocity exceeding human visual {measure}[comprehension]. [However,] What the human eye could not register, the PDA did. A putrid stench erupted, as flesh peeled away from cybernetic endoskeleton (sorry I‘m lost who is losing flesh?). Mada was no longer alone. Beyond the steel towers and laser torches, Camelot waited.

Thump. THUMP. THUMP. Silence. The PDA flashed binary codes. Mada dropped to the ground, shaking in muscular tremors. Heat seared through his consciousness, but there was no pain. Triton 63 had succeeded.

“Halt!” A mechanical voice. “You have been scanned. Identification please.” Triton 63 carried Mada to his interceptor.

Reaching for his PDA, Mada knew it would aid him. Sweat beaded down his brow, stinging his eyes. He screamed, “I am not from this city,” he swallowed harshly, wind coming back up. “I… you… will see from my Personal Identification Chip.” He staggered and collapsed on the front of the interceptor, where he glimpsed the library of records. Camelot does exist! “Please let me go, I mean you no harm.” He pleaded.

A labyrinth of digits flashed into the night sky{,}[:] reds, blues, greens{,}[and] whites, each representing a unique library of records. Triton 63 froze. “You do not lie. You do not exist.” He frisked Mada inflexibly, cutting him, blood spewing {forth} from his wrist.

Triton 63 {next} instinctively licked the wound clean before Mada {ever} realized what happened. A singe followed, cauterizing {the} flesh. He twirled around, whisked Mada into his interceptor and froze again.

“If you let me go, I will tell no one.” Mada lifted his security blanket, aimed it at Triton 63, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. He leaned closer, “I am from another time. This is why your library has no record of me, and I have just rendered YOU disconnected.”

Mada’s faith sustained him. He believed that[,] in spite of the robotic future, there HAD to be some humanity (humanity or humans?) left. He needed to tap into it this very moment, with that very robot - his own savior.

His speech was interrupted. “Triton 63, report to base at once, over.”

Mada leaned fully into Triton 63’s face, where he saw only blackness. “You must help me.” He squatted low and pulled a picture from his boot. Bile started to creep {up his throat and into his mouth} [into his throat and mouth]. He swallowed {it back}. “I need this device. You must get it for me.”

Triton 63 scanned the picture into his database{,}[-] again{,} instinctively. “I have seen this… in the old city of Jerusalem,” the robot hesitated, “What need does this serve, this… thing? Surely, it is not your PIDC?” He tossed the picture into the sky and zapped it to the Nothingness.

(PID C??)

Mada toyed with his throbbing wrist{,} and loosened his grip. I am in control of this world now, he thought. “You will do as I ask{,}[.] do you understand Triton 63?”

“I understand.”

“Radio base and tell them you will be delayed.” Mada snapped into domination. This controller will not last long, he feared.

They reached Camelot, found the Holy Chalice and sat in the Court of the Kings of old for a moment longer{,}[;] human and robot. “I will remember you, Triton 63,” Mada hugged him close. Salty tears streamed down. Triton 63 wiped them away. History was altered, now restored. “Will you remember me?”

Triton 63 replied, “Of course, you are my inverse. My name will be Adam.”

Remember the humans….

[Guest_Jox_*]

I've just seen your reply to Dani...

>>Dialogue is one of those things - did I write too much, not enough, or something in between?

I am very character-driven in my aproach to prose. But I think short stories allow for less of that than novels. Characters can be built up really well by dialogue - and I use too much (I can easily write entire stories in 100% speech - Monologue or Dialogue). But I think more would have been better in this story.

Vampyr robots? Interesting idea.

"If you let me go, I will tell no one.” Mada lifted his security blanket, aimed it at Triton 63, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. He leaned closer, “I am from another time. This is why your library has no record of me, and I have just rendered YOU disconnected.”"

Apart from not understanding what a security blanket is, I rather liked this. It mingled plot and dislogue rather well, I thought.

Back again soon...

James

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

I enjoyed reading this story and thought it a very clever idea.

Just a few comments.

Like James has already mentioned, I think you need to explain your abbreviations the first time.


Mada blinked and flipped down his night vision visor. Did they see me? He ducked low and dimmed his PDA. Salt tickled his tongue instantaneously. He stumbled a few paces, covered his mouth as if to scream, inhaled deeply, and stepped forward.

“Sector 8-123-659 secure. There is no one here. Return to base?” Triton three-four inquired.

"Triton six-three, acknowledged. Returning to base."
Initially I did get a bit confused (easily done) at this point.  At first I thought it was Mada talking and it was only when I got to the next paragraph that I realised it was the robots.

Wiping sweat that had pooled on his chin, Mada tapped the word ‘TRITON’ into his PDA with a trembling hand. A split second later, a surreal greenish fog emanated from it and floated away from him, toward the robots.

An extraordinary, shimmering fog befell the two robots as they turned their back to Mada’s secreted position and headed to their interceptor vehicle. With no admonition, Triton 63 lunged at Triton 34. A clinking of metal on metal followed, and then abruptly halted. Triton 63 had just disconnected his partner’s Unity pathway: TERMINATION - TRITON 34.
earlier you put Triton six-three and here you write Triton 63.
So the fog makes Triton 63 attack 34 and disconnect his pathway?

The colors of silver and blue sped past, at a velocity exceeding human visual measure. What the human eye could not register, the PDA did. A putrid stench erupted, as flesh peeled away from cybernetic endoskeleton. Mada was no longer alone. Beyond the steel towers and laser torches, Camelot waited.
I'm puzzzled.  How could robots have flesh on them? and which robot got burnt? If the robots were around then Mada wasn't alone before.
Where did the colours come from?

Thump. THUMP. THUMP. Silence. The PDA flashed binary codes. Mada dropped to the ground, shaking in muscular tremors. Heat seared through his consciousness, but there was no pain. Triton 63 had succeeded succeeded doing what?

Triton 63 instinctively licked the wound clean before Mada realized what happened. A singe followed, cauterizing flesh. He twirled around, whisked Mada into his interceptor and froze again.
interesting, a robot with a tongue. It must have been very human-like

“If you let me go, I will tell no one.” Mada lifted his security blanket, aimed it at Triton 63, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. He leaned closer, “I am from another time. This is why your library has no record of me, and I have just rendered YOU disconnected.”

“If you let me go, I will tell no one.” Mada lifted his security blanket, aimed it at Triton 63, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. He leaned closer, “I am from another time. This is why your library has no record of me, and I have just rendered YOU disconnected.”
what is a security blanket?

Mada’s faith sustained him. He believed that in spite of the robotic future, there HAD to be some humanity left. He needed to tap into it this very moment, with that very robot - his own savior.

His speech was interrupted.  “Triton 63, report to base at once, over.”
I think this sentence needs to go before the previous paragraph to make sense

Mada leaned fully into Triton 63’s face, where he saw only blackness. “You must help me.” He squatted low and pulled a picture from his boot. Bile started to creep up his throat and into his mouth. He swallowed it back. “I need this device. You must get it for me.”

Mada toyed with his throbbing wrist, and loosened his grip. I am in control of this world now, he thought. “You will do as I ask, do you understand Triton 63?”
sorry, I don't understand this.  Mada has  control of one robot how does it follow that he has control of this world.  There must be lots of other robots he doesn't have control over.

“Radio base and tell them you will be delayed.” Mada snapped into domination. This controller will not last long, he feared.
what is  a controller?

Triton 63 replied, “Of course, you are my inverse. My name will be Adam.”
Very clever ending.  I am a bit slow on the uptake and only just realised that Mada is Adam backwards.  Still better late than never.

I hope you don't think I am being too critical.  I really liked the story and the ideas behind it and thought it well written and it held my interest to the end.

(also it is ridiculously early in the morning and I've been up since 2.45am as my daughter has gone to Prague and had to be at school at 3.45)


Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori, Nina.

Lori - Nina shares much of my confusion (or I share her's!) Now Sci-fi often does this to me but I'm glad I'm not alone. I do feel that sci-fi writers do need to take care to take most readers with them because of the unusual situations, names, locations, beings and auras etc. Maybe you might consider this a little more carefully. Then again, it may be that Nina and I are not typical sci-fi readers (well, I know I'm not) so "normal" readers would grasp things quicker.

I'm trying to work on show / tell. Back later.

J.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks James and Nina.

I will respond properly to your excellent comments later this evening (I hope as time permits). :pharoah2

I appreciate your time and questions. They will most certainly help me evolve the story. NO crit is 'too much' Nina in my eyes.

I've added a few more sentences near the beginning real quickly just for now to explain Mada finding out the robots are not human.

Cheers!
~Cleo :)

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cleo,

Wow, this is clever, complex stuff. I love the ideas incorporating the grail and Adam. I remember someone saying something about you writing fascinating sci fi a while ago - great to see this one. We all keep you too busy and don't let you create enough.

I think you could see the story unfolding like a film, and the excitement comes thru the writing but alas the scenes as described are a little confusing in places.

I think this needs a bit of polishing to bring out the sparkling story. I haven't read the other crits carefully, so apologies if I repeat anything already mentioned (or, worse, contradict anyone! ). As usual, these are merely my suggestions/comments and I am so much a beginner ...


It was their darkest hour. Actually, it was everyone’s…

“You DO know how important this mission is, Mada, don’t you?” Solon paused, heart racing, “This last jump could be our only salvation.”

“Yes, Prince Solon, I do.”  Mada yawned tapping on his PDA.  Squinting from the light of the time portal, he added. “I will do my best, sir… as always.”

A promising beginning. 'Darkest hour' sets a tone: end of the world scenario.

PDA? Distracting to have to wonder what this is.

Only other comment here is that perhaps if you want to establish a POV (point of view) it should be for one character at a time -  and in a short story probably only one overall. So having the fact that Prince Solon's heart is racing means that the reader thinks we have Solon's POV, when in fact we are to follow Mada.

Why is Mada yawning (bored, exhausted?) while Solon is so nervous, anyway?

Inching toward the portal, mesmerized by swirls of color, Mada touched his PDA and vanished.

When Mada came to, the world he once knew was no more. Time was not on his side and his lingering in the void only hastened his tentative steps.  He crept along the overgrown countryside like a slithering snake looking for a morsel in a world where morsels didn’t exist. He had to find it!

"Time was not on his side ..." Why not, if he has a time portal?

A flicker of intense light seared his psyche.

Okay, this is me being fussy, but psyche? Eyes, yes, but psyche? I'm not convinced (very fussy - sorry).

Mada blinked and flipped down his night vision visor. Did they see me? He ducked low and dimmed his PDA. Salt tickled his tongue instantaneously. He stumbled a few paces, covered his mouth as if to scream, inhaled deeply, and stepped forward.

The reader is having to take in and process a lot of ideas so far. What made the light? I know we find out, but perhaps he could assume it's a reconaisance party/enemy?

Why the salt? (sweat?)

Why does he stumble, seem about to scream?

“Sector 8-123-659 secure. There is no one here. Return to base?” Triton 34 inquired.

If we're in Mada's POV we wouldn't know this was Triton 34 - it would be a voice in the darkness.

Mada refocused his vision on the two police officers standing about 500 yards in front of where he hid. These officers are not human? Nodding his head left to right, he asked and answered his own thought. He punched the record button and whispered into his PDA, "Robotics have come so far, the enforcers look humanoid!"

These officers are not human? Nodding his head left to right, he asked and answered his own thought.
I think this confuses things and could be dropped? The last sentance says it all.

The second enforcer replied, "Triton 63, acknowledged. Returning to base."

Wiping sweat that had pooled on his chin, Mada tapped the word ‘TRITON’ into his PDA with a trembling hand. A split second later, a surreal greenish fog emanated from it and floated away from him, toward the robots.

An extraordinary, shimmering fog befell the two robots as they turned their back to Mada’s secreted position and headed to their interceptor vehicle. With no admonition, Triton 63 suddenly lunged at Triton 34. A clinking of metal on metal followed, and then abruptly halted. Triton 63 had just disconnected his partner’s Unity pathway: TERMINATION - TRITON 34.

The extraordinary fog, not An extraordingary fog (if it's the same thing Mada released).

Mada's secreted position ... secret position?

With no admonition? With no warning? Admonition means telling off - doesn't seem like quite the right idea here?

The colors of silver and blue sped past, at a velocity exceeding human visual measure. What the human eye could not register, the PDA did. A putrid stench erupted, as flesh peeled away from cybernetic endoskeleton. Mada was no longer alone. Beyond the steel towers and laser torches, Camelot waited.

Not sure what is speeding where in this para - lovely images but don't make anything fix in my mind. Love the idea of the flesh peeling off the robotic core of the droid - icky and revolting but wonderful.

Why does this lead to Mada no longer being alone? The second part of the para doesn't seem linked to the first.

Thump. THUMP. THUMP. Silence. The PDA flashed binary codes. Mada dropped to the ground, shaking in muscular tremors. Heat seared through his consciousness, but there was no pain. Triton 63 had succeeded.

I have no idea what is happening here. I thought Mada had won the robot to his control?

“Halt!” A mechanical voice. “You have been scanned. Identification please.” Triton 63 carried Mada to his interceptor.

Why does the droid carry Mada after asking for ID? Does he get an ID?

Reaching for his PDA, Mada knew it would aid him. Sweat beaded down his brow, stinging his eyes. He screamed, “I am not from this city,” he swallowed harshly, wind coming back up. “I… you… will see from my Personal Identification Chip.” He staggered and collapsed on the front of the interceptor, where he glimpsed the library of records. Camelot does exist! “Please let me go, I mean you no harm.” He pleaded.

A labyrinth of digits flashed into the night sky, reds, blues, greens, whites, each representing a unique library of records. Triton 63 froze. “You do not lie. You do not exist.”  He frisked Mada inflexibly, cutting him, blood spewing forth from his wrist.

Triton 63 next instinctively licked the wound clean before Mada ever realized what happened. A singe followed, cauterizing the flesh. He twirled around, whisked Mada into his interceptor and froze again.

I like the weird idea of a vampire robot. Got a little confused over the ID of each 'he' in this para. (Also thought we had a French monkey on the scene for a moment ... sureal - must be James's influence)

“If you let me go, I will tell no one.” Mada lifted his security blanket, aimed it at Triton 63, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. He leaned closer, “I am from another time. This is why your library has no record of me, and I have just rendered YOU disconnected.”

My daughter has a security blanket. It goes everywhere with her. I think maybe you mean a sheild? Love the code - very aprropriate.

Mada’s faith sustained him. He believed that in spite of the robotic future, there HAD to be some humanity left. He needed to tap into it this very moment, with that very robot - his own savior.

His speech was interrupted.  “Triton 63, report to base at once, over.”

He wasn't talking still - stopped a para ago; so: His thoughts were interupted. ?

Mada leaned fully into Triton 63’s face, where he saw only blackness. “You must help me.” He squatted low and pulled a picture from his boot. Bile started to creep up his throat and into his mouth. He swallowed it back. “I need this device. You must get it for me.”

Triton 63 scanned the picture into his database, again, instinctively. “I have seen this… in the old city of Jerusalem,” the robot hesitated, “What need does this serve, this… thing? Surely, it is not your PIDC?” He tossed the picture into the sky and zapped it to the Nothingness.

PDIC?
Why does he zap the picture?

Mada toyed with his throbbing wrist, and loosened his grip. I am in control of this world now, he thought. “You will do as I ask, do you understand Triton 63?”

Why is his wrist throbbing and why toy with it? What is he gripping?

“I understand.”

“Radio base and tell them you will be delayed.” Mada snapped into domination. This controller will not last long, he feared.

Controller?

They reached Camelot, found the Holy Chalice and sat in the Court of the Kings of old for a moment longer, human and robot. “I will remember you, Triton 63,” Mada hugged him close. Salty tears streamed down. Triton 63 wiped them away. History was altered, now restored. “Will you remember me?”

Triton 63 replied, “Of course, you are my inverse. My name will be Adam.”  

Remember the humans….

Cleo, I've been incredibly hard on this - asking all the dummest questions I could, but they did all spring to mind as I read it thru for the first time. I do think the ideas in here are quite awsome, but you need to let them shine thru more clearly. Make sure that every word, every action furthers the story - whereas at the moment some of them are actively distracting from it.

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori,

I'm back here for the fifth time, attempting to add a show / tell crit. However, I have to admit I'm finding it a tad hard because I really am not sure what's happening. I now see that Fran has performed a brill extensive crit and you have Dani, Nina and my previous comments so tons to go through. For the moment, then I'll cop-out and see what you do with your first revision (if you do one). Then, I'll go through that and, if I understand it better, try to see if more help can then be given.

I was thinking that what would be good would be if you felt you could write a contemporary story. Not sci-fi, not mythological and not historical. Just a plain modern story. Then, from a critter's point-of-view - ok, this critter's pov - one could look at the way you feel you tell too much and try to offer help, unhampered by the inherent confusions in these very specific genre stories. Just a tghought6, if you're interested?

For now, all the best, J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

James said:
I was thinking that what would be good would be if you felt you could write a contemporary story. Not sci-fi, not mythological and not historical. Just a plain modern story. Then, from a critter's point-of-view - ok, this critter's pov - one could look at the way you feel you tell too much and try to offer help, unhampered by the inherent confusions in these very specific genre stories. Just a tghought6, if you're interested?
Sounds like a good idea.  It would also be helpful for other people (myself especially) looking for guidance on how to show rather than tell, something I'd never even heard about before joining this board.  I have not given show/tell much thought up till now but if I want to develop my prose writing, I will need to try and use it more.

1000 posts

 :claps:  :claps:  :claps:  :claps:  :claps:

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

WOW!  

Thanks so much James, Nina and Fran for your very thorough offerings to help with my sci-fi story, I'm thrilled with all your points!

To me, one can never be 'too-detailed' as I learn so much from your own POV's.  

I will most likely not do any 'serious' revisions until the weekend, however, I will try and make some minor adjustments between now and then as you've all offered.

Yes, there is more to explain, thorugh actions and dialogue and I look forward to seeing this one shaped into something more (I hope).  

To James and Nina in particular:
James said:
I was thinking that what would be good would be if you felt you could write a contemporary story. Not sci-fi, not mythological and not historical. Just a plain modern story. Then, from a critter's point-of-view - ok, this critter's pov - one could look at the way you feel you tell too much and try to offer help, unhampered by the inherent confusions in these very specific genre stories. Just a thought, if you're interested?

A good idea of course! I have a few stories here in Stonehenge that I guess would qualify as present tense? Perhaps you can have a look to see if anything there seems to indicate a specific pattern of my style? Try to read "Dudley's Deed" - it's got a twist but is present time. Also, the more recent "A Child's Wish" - needs more polishing and has more characters.....

Fran: You've given me many directions to look into, to fill in those gaps and I'm glad you've been so detailed and asked questions.

I am going to enjoy the re-writes.

Thanks all so much!
~Cleo  

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi.

I've made some edits to the story per your suggestions James, Nina and Fran. More to come soon...



Thankies.

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Hi, Lori. Rather than read the other crits and be swayed one way or the other, I'm giving my comments during a first, quick reading, so apologies if I repeat other suggestions or comments.

It was their darkest hour. This is a cliché (blame W. Churchill.)

“Yes, Prince Solon, I do.”  Mada replied while tapping on his Personal Digital Assistant. It's conventional to drop the capitalised initials on a commonplace item such as a personal digital assistant when it's first spelt out in fiction (the opposite of non-fiction). When you next mention it, add 'again', e.g. Mada touched his PDA again, and this will add context.

He glided along the overgrown countryside like a slithering snake...Drop 'slithering' and strengthen the sentence.

Salt tickled his nose and tongue as beads of sweat ran rampant. I've never seen sweat beads running rampant - must be a sight to see!

Wiping sweat that had pooled on his chin... He must have a very pronounced chin to be able to hold a pool of sweat.

“Halt!” A mechanical voice. “You have been scanned. Identification please.” Triton 63 quipped. "Quipped" isn't appropriate here - I'm not sure what you had in mind.

He frisked Mada inflexibly, cutting him, blood spewing from his wrist. Again, I don't understand the use of "inflexibly".

Mada lifted his security blanket, aimed it at Triton 63, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. I couldn't understand this. A security blanket doesn't seem to be something you would throw at anyone. Nor could I understand what GOD was being tapped into. The PDA?

They reached Camelot, found the Holy Chalice and sat in the Court of the Kings of old for a moment longer... This is a very rapid conclusion after such a steady build-up.


I made these comments as I was reading through, which is how a reader might react to your piece. Some further thoughts now that I've finished reading are as follows:

This is an intriguing piece (I'm assuming it's a short story and not a chapter from a novel, otherwise the following comments don't apply) but it's difficult to get to grips with it. There's no overarching drama. For example, Solon (what's his position in the scheme of things?) mentions that the journey could be their only salvation, but I don't know what they're supposed to be saved from. Things may be dire, but I don't know why. You need to paint a picture that makes me share Solon and Mada's anxiety.

Similarly, the "world he once knew was no more", but you don't explain why that is.

Who are the Tritons? Why are they a threat to Mada? The reader is left trying to join too many speculative dots for the narrative to be as gripping as it could be.

I must admit I became really confused during the middle section - I couldn't work out the relationships between the Tritons and between them and Mada.

The references to Jerusalem, Holy Chalice, Adam, etc suggest an allegory, but I didn't get it.


Sorry, Lori, I realise the above seems negative and we're supposed to give gentle critiques here, but I have to call it as I see it. The imaginative element is very strong (I wish I had more of it) but needs to be complemented with an explanatory narrative if it's to be really effective.

Perry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Perry and thanks so much for your valuable insight with this story.

Who are the Tritons? Why are they a threat to Mada? The reader is left trying to join too many speculative dots for the narrative to be as gripping as it could be.

I must admit I became really confused during the middle section - I couldn't work out the relationships between the Tritons and between them and Mada.

The references to Jerusalem, Holy Chalice, Adam, etc suggest an allegory, but I didn't get it.


Sorry, Lori, I realise the above seems negative and we're supposed to give gentle critiques here, but I have to call it as I see it. The imaginative element is very strong (I wish I had more of it) but needs to be complemented with an explanatory narrative if it's to be really effective.

Perry

Hi, Lori. Rather than read the other crits and be swayed one way or the other, I'm giving my comments during a first, quick reading, so apologies if I repeat other suggestions or comments.

I actually prefer to give crits without reading others, so that I also won't be swayed, so no worries.  

“Yes, Prince Solon, I do.”  Mada replied while tapping on his Personal Digital Assistant. It's conventional to drop the capitalised initials on a commonplace item such as a personal digital assistant when it's first spelt out in fiction (the opposite of non-fiction). When you next mention it, add 'again', e.g. Mada touched his PDA again, and this will add context.

OK. Thanks for the tip, I will revise.

It was their darkest hour. This is a cliché (blame W. Churchill.)

Thanks. I will think about another opening.

He glided along the overgrown countryside like a slithering snake...Drop 'slithering' and strengthen the sentence.

OK. Will think on a stronger line there.

Salt tickled his nose and tongue as beads of sweat ran rampant. I've never seen sweat beads running rampant - must be a sight to see!

This was me in a hurry last night - so I will go back when I have more time to reword this one. How would you describe it when you perspire out of control? The sweat just keeps running down my face.

Wiping sweat that had pooled on his chin... He must have a very pronounced chin to be able to hold a pool of sweat.

OK, OK - that THAT needs a re-write, I think everyone mentioned it, LOL!

“Halt!” A mechanical voice. “You have been scanned. Identification please.” Triton 63 quipped. "Quipped" isn't appropriate here - I'm not sure what you had in mind.

Now that I look at that, yes - I did not mean 'joked'. I was looking for something like "stated" but a bit stronger?

He frisked Mada inflexibly, cutting him, blood spewing from his wrist. Again, I don't understand the use of "inflexibly".

As robots sometimes cannot flex as well as we do, I was describing his grip being to too rigid.

Mada lifted his security blanket, aimed it at Triton 63, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. I couldn't understand this. A security blanket doesn't seem to be something you would throw at anyone. Nor could I understand what GOD was being tapped into. The PDA?

OK,   so everyone has commented on the 'security blanket' = it was a saying for the PDA itself, but I see I will need to add more. As he travels through the time portal, the PDA is his link to home, and also his weapon (his security blanket) if you will.

They reached Camelot, found the Holy Chalice and sat in the Court of the Kings of old for a moment longer... [color=darkblue]This is a very rapid conclusion after such a steady build-up.

Yes - I agree, I had wanted to add more prior to theor arrival in 'Camelot' so I will go back on the re-write and do just that, more of the surrounds...

I made these comments as I was reading through, which is how a reader might react to your piece. Some further thoughts now that I've finished reading are as follows:

This is an intriguing piece (I'm assuming it's a short story and not a chapter from a novel, otherwise the following comments don't apply) but it's difficult to get to grips with it. There's no overarching drama. For example, Solon (what's his position in the scheme of things?) mentions that the journey could be their only salvation, but I don't know what they're supposed to be saved from. Things may be dire, but I don't know why. You need to paint a picture that makes me share Solon and Mada's anxiety.

Similarly, the "world he once knew was no more", but you don't explain why that is.

Thank you - can you share with me a bit more on the word 'overarching'? They are being saved from their future selves - the robots i.e. Tritons. OK - I will add alot more to this story, more filler, more drama and will let you know when as I would most appreciate your thoughts again if you wouldn't mind?

I thank you for your critique Perry, and will be expanding this one very soon.

Cheers!
~Cleo

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Lori

Getting what's in your head onto paper so that your ideas are clearly communicated to the reader is a significant challenge and I'm guilty of making too many assumptions in my own writing, so I understand the problem well.

I haven't had time to read the others' comments, but I think you've recognised the need to explain more in your story, which I think will add a lot to the narrative progression. By this I mean that the reader is able to fly through the story without being brought up short by things they don't understand.

The overarching drama I referred to was the main drama or conflict. What problem is presented at the outset, why is it crucial that it be resolved, what obstacles stand in the way of the protagonist, and how is it concluded? Finally, what have we learnt or had reinforced by reading the story?

Perry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Lori

Getting what's in your head onto paper so that your ideas are clearly communicated to the reader is a significant challenge and I'm guilty of making too many assumptions in my own writing, so I understand the problem well.

I haven't had time to read the others' comments, but I think you've recognised the need to explain more in your story, which I think will add a lot to the narrative progression. By this I mean that the reader is able to fly through the story without being brought up short by things they don't understand.

The overarching drama I referred to was the main drama or conflict. What problem is presented at the outset, why is it crucial that it be resolved, what obstacles stand in the way of the protagonist, and how is it concluded? Finally, what have we learnt or had reinforced by reading the story?

Perry

Hi Perry.

Yes, I agree!  :medusa:  I have MANY ideas for stories/novels - I see then folk out like a movie in my mind, and then I try to outline the course of events. This is more of an 'outline' right now - and now I can go back, add more to my plot, climax (crisis) and solution for this one. This is a Pandora challenge response, and with them, I tend to be very brief. I look forward to expanding this, adding more character and plot developments as you have explained and see what the readers think at that time.


This is fun, but not easy by any stretch for me.  :dragon:

TBC..

[Guest_Jox_*]

PS...

I did try reading your DD story but it, too, seemed to have supernatural elements in. I think that, for me to understand your writing better I'd need a straight, contemporay story. But, in essence...

I don't find that you tell that much - I've seen far "worse" examples.

But all the sci-fi etc does confuse me.

Essentially you seem to have dialogue which you use to show. Maybe, though, you could distinguish characters a little more by having distinct characteristics which they use in speech / actions?

But without seeing a non-genre piece it is hard to tell.

As regards safety-blanket - I think it sounds somewhat childish. it may be that all adults do still have various props but I think that very phrase gets in the way. Safety blanket to me = a young child. maybe talk of the secure feeling of something etc?

I understood your point about inflexible robots but I think Perry is right about needing re-phrasing. In fact, you could make that a better scene and show more of either the robot's or the "searchee"'s characters there?

Just some thouights, J.