Hi, Merle,
I've read this over many times, enjoying it immensely. I like the tone and the underlying humour and it reinforces an old Yorkshire saying that 'there's nowt as queer as folk!' I don't have any nits per se but would like to focus your attention on a few sections where I stumbled a little.
QUOTE
Stanking Hank didn’t actually stink, it was his ways that had a person crinkling up their nose and taking a step back. Once he became addicted to Crack, his life ran parallel to a country song. He lost his job, his woman, his home, and his truck. If he had owned a dog, I’m sure he would have lost that too. The problem was he bought his drugs on credit and his VA check had bid adieu long gone before he had a chance to cash it. He turned to thieving as a way to subsidize his habit.
The second sentence in this paragraph sounds 'wrong' to me, perhaps even a little stilted. I would prefer if it went more like 'Once he became a crack head his life went all Country.' since that would fit the colloquial 'feel' of this tale.
QUOTE
Now addicts don’t eat much but Stanking Hank would’ve starved if it wasn’t for his daughter, Berta, who lived across the street. Berta was a solidly built woman with three roly-poly children who liberally peppered their conversations with mam and sir. Stank Hank would eat supper at Berta’s almost every night and on the nights he didn’t put in an appearance at her dining table, she would send one of her children over with a plate.
I enjoyed this section, particularly the description of the children, but wonder about 'at her dining table'; do you really need these words?
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When Stank’s second career in thievery was a little slow he would pawn the few possessions he owned. Once he pawned his living room furniture and Berta bought him another set. After he pawned the second set, Berta just shook her head and rustled up a few red milk crates for Stank to sit on. Stank was content to sleep curled up on the floor next to the radiator in the winter and underneath an open window during the summer. And if he didn’t mind the sparse living conditions then neither did Berta.
Again, this is lovely detail. My only stumble was over 'After he pawned the second set' since 'set' is repeated so soon; how about 'When he pawned that lot too...'?
QUOTE
Berta also had a husband but I never knew his name or cared to know it for that matter. He was one of those people who felt the world owed him something and payment was long overdue. It was during the summer of 2005 Berta lost her husband. She didn’t misplace him of course; he did that himself by being in the bed of another woman who lived down in the projects. The woman’s man came home early and simply shot and killed Berta’s husband as he was trying to jimmy open a window to escape. Berta went about burying her cheating husband in that stoic manner she possessed and I admired. It wasn’t until after what happened to Stank that it crossed my mind there might be more to Berta than I thought.
This little nugget was so believable except for the idea that he would need to 'jimmy open a window' from the inside, there may be alternatives for you to consider - maybe he didn't make it to the window?
QUOTE
While Berta and her children were attending the funeral someone broke into her apartment. Berta came home to find all her belongings gone. She didn’t mind losing the television or stereo so much, it was the glass mayonnaise jar she kept in her freezer stuffed full of emergency money that caused her some distress. When Berta started asking folks in the neighborhood if they had seen anything she expected everyone to claim temporary blindness but to her surprise they did indeed see something…a U-Haul moving truck parked outside her place and being loaded up. No, they didn’t recognize the ‘movers, assuming them to be family members they didn’t seem suspicious.
This para strengthens our image of Hank but I have a problem with the 'glass mayonnaise jar' causing distress - surely it was the loss of the jar that caused this? Plus I would have preferred a stronger contrast with the 'She didn't mind..' thought by using 'did cause..' rather than 'caused' there.
Of course, these are just one reader's opinions and suggestions - yours to use or lose as you choose. Really enjoyed this though,
Jim