I Didn't Do It, Please feel free to critique or comment Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

I Didn't Do It

It was a time of innocence, a time when things were not rushed. No cell phones, no color TV, no transistor radios, no internet. There was always time for conversations, everyone waved and said hello. The neighborhood was large but the year round folks were few and all knew each other.

Night was singing its late springtime song. Five pale shapes moved in fits and starts along the dim moonlit path, Toward a skinny rickety wooden bridge that spanned a small burbling brook. They were boys, on the cusp of adolescence; tall, gangly, skinny, you could probably count their ribs. Their quiet laughter, with a giggle or two didn't travel far. They shoved one another, made some ribald comment about draining the main vein, with four me too's.
Five streams arched out and down to splash in the water below. Five nude boys peeing off a bridge at two o'clock in the morning, out on a dare that grew too fast to stop. They were to go down to the lake, skinny dip and return, sans clothes. One last initiation rite before the end of summer, before time turned them into the men they would become. A time to laugh at each other's shy gawkiness and to boast of future deeds... at that time of the morning the air is crisp, cool and fills a body with spirit, of course being nude tends to focus the mind very clearly.

The water of the lake was warm, the boys trying hard to hold in their natural exuberance, but it got away with water tag, splashing and dunking, diving up off platforms made with crossed hands, to cannonball someone else. All lots of fun until one cottage lit up like a firework explosion. A deep voice hollering out questions and curses at hooligans making such a racket at this time of night, and words about calling the sheriff.

The boys quickly but laughingly made their exit from the water and ran all the way back up the path sputtering water and hysterical relief laughs. They got into the tent put on some underwear and climbed into sleeping bags, as they were supposed to be sleeping out. Their exuberance waned and sleep over came them. They all had a hard time from grinning the next day when they heard about the drunken collage party that went on in the lake last night, the sheriff asking questions of everyone but the boys, and everyone giving their opinion to the sheriff.

It was quite a night, that I for being one of those boys, will never forget.

31 March 2010
© Steve Pray

[Eisa]

Hi Steve

This made me smile - oh the fun of youth!

I don't feel equippped to give a proper crit as I only write poetry (so far) If this was your first story I think you have done very well in keeping the readers interest, which is all important.
I must come back to this and perhaps give some suggestions - but well done Steve!

Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Eira, Thanks for reading and the kind words. This is not really the first as I have written a couple of others, but this is my first serious attempt at portraying some of my youth, for my future kin to read about, so that I am not just a bunch of pictures in a album that mom and dad drag out.

Steve

[Psyche]

Hi Steve!

I greatly enjoyed and had a good laugh with this anecdote of your adolescence. Since you asked for opinions, I've just added a comma or two, not very much needed. TorT!!
You tell an amusing story in a few words. Congrats!
Syl***

I Didn't Do It

It was a time of innocence, a time when things were not rushed. No cell phones, no color TV, no transistor radios, no internet. There was always time for conversations, everyone waved and said hello. The neighborhood was large but the year round folks were few and all knew each other.

Night was singing its late springtime song. Five pale shapes moved in fits and starts along the dim moonlit path, towards a skinny rickety wooden bridge that spanned a small burbling brook. They were boys, on the cusp of adolescence; tall, gangly, skinny, you could probably count their ribs. Their quiet laughter, with a giggle or two, didn't travel far. They shoved one another, made some ribald comment about draining the main vein, with four me too's.

Five streams arched out and down to splash in the water below. Five nude boys peeing off a bridge at two o'clock in the morning, out on a dare that grew too fast to stop. They were to go down to the lake, skinny dip and return, sans clothes. One last initiation rite before the end of summer, before time turned them into the men they would become. A time to laugh at each other's shy gawkiness and to boast of future deeds... at that time of the morning the air is crisp, cool and fills a body with spirit; of course being nude tends to focus the mind very clearly.

The water of the lake was warm, the boys trying hard to hold in their natural exuberance, but it got away with water tag, splashing and dunking, diving up off platforms made with crossed hands, to cannonball someone else. All lots of fun until one cottage lit up like a firework explosion. A deep voice hollering out questions and curses at hooligans making such a racket at this time of night, and words about calling the sheriff.

The boys quickly but laughingly made their exit from the water and ran all the way back up the path sputtering water and hysterical relief laughs. They got into the tent, put on some underwear and climbed into sleeping bags, as they were supposed to be sleeping out. Their exuberance waned and sleep overcame them. They all had a hard time from grinning the next day when they heard about the drunken collage party that went on in the lake last night, the sheriff asking questions of everyone but the boys, and everyone giving their opinion to the sheriff.

It was quite a night, that I for one, being one of those boys, will never forget.

31 March 2010
© Steve Pray

[Psyche]

BTW, Steve, this story is great for Odin. The deadline is April 30th. How about it?

I'm dipping into my files to see what I've got, maybe polish up an oldie...hmmm....my mind isn't too bright these days, hope I find an oldie...LOL...

Hugs, Syl***

[Kimi]

Hi Steve
I am glad I found this. It brought back a lot of memories of growing up. I found only one thing that I can critique and that would be using too many words to describe one object. It leaves very little to the imagination and stops the reader from absorbing the flow of the story.
I loved this short story, it had a lot of action and memories in such a short space.

hugs
kimi