 The Path. |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Prose Forums > Short Stories & Chapters for Critique -> Stonehenge  |
 Jul 13 09, 02:03
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#1
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 Nomad  Posts: 12 Joined: 3-July 09 Member No.: 832 Real Name: Gabrielle de Yorvick Writer of: Poetry & Prose  |
THE PATH
The early dawn probed, with chill fingers, through the mist and touched his face. His beautiful face. Relaxed into the softness of sleep. His eyelashes, tinged with gold, lay like tiny fans against his cheeks. His perfect lips slightly parted as if smiling in a dream. She stood, silently watching him, remembering how often they had walked this path through the woods. How many times they had lain, sated with love, in this very spot. The trees had sheltered them from rain, and sun, and prying eyes as they lay entwined and shared their hopes for the future. It was their own special place. Until yesterday. She turned and held out her hands to the man standing behind her. The cold, steel, handcuffs snapped shut, and they led her away. He really shouldn’t have brought Joanne here - not here. Men in white suits collected the severed head and lay it in the body bag with the corpse. © Galadriel 2009 |
  
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Aug 19 09, 10:43
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#2
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 783 Joined: 24-July 07 From: South Africa Member No.: 457 Real Name: Walter Schwim Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Mistral |
The twist was masterfully done! Short but very very sweet. No nits from me.
Wally ·······  ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Aug 19 09, 19:31
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#3
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Galadriel, I don't think you need the two commas in around the word 'steel' there is no need for pause there. I was a bit stunned by your twist of horror, but some things should not be done... especially to a jilted love.
Steve |
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Oct 8 09, 02:05
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#4
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 Greek Posts: 743 Joined: 3-February 09 From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK Member No.: 754 Real Name: Leonora Wyatt Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:No one at all |
Hi Galadriel - A nice piece of Gothic Revenge! After reading the opening, I thought, 'Oh-Oh! - A romance - and I don't much like romantic tales!'
So the end came as a big relief. If I have a crit, it is that a man who has had his head brutally severed, particularly by a comparatively weak woman, is unlikely to present the idyllic image you describe: QUOTE His beautiful face. Relaxed into the softness of sleep. His eyelashes, tinged with gold, lay like tiny fans against his cheeks. His perfect lips slightly parted as if smiling in a dream. I have a strong suspicion that his, 'perfect lips' would have been parted in a rictus of pure horror and agony; and his eyes would be wide open and bulging from his dark red, blood engorged face.You are good at the surprise ending - but violent death is not a pretty sight. Leo ······· ······· |
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