OLD TOM Options

[Galadriel]

OLD TOM


They pushed his wheel chair near to the window, placed what passed for a cup of tea on the table beside him, and went to deal with next person. “Did you watch … No, but I heard about … really, who’d have thought …” There was something soothing about their inane chatter. The window was open. New mown grass, daisies, and wood smoke scented the breeze that danced on his memory.

August, it was, a late hay making, on just such a day as this. All scythes and pitchforks then, no fancy machinery making noise and smells. There she was. Walking across the fields, picnic basket over her arm, jug of cider in hand, hair the colour of ripe corn. All the men stopped work - and not just for the lunch, neither, but to watch her walk. Like dancing it was. Well, they could look, but her smiles were all for him.

Rumble of wheels, footsteps. Another one washed, dressed, and left to sit by the window. Jolt, two pairs of hands pull him upright in the chair, and shake him roughly. “Gotta keep wakin’ ‘em up or they don’t sleep at night. Like kids they are. Did I tell you about …” hands pat his shoulder, voices drift away.

Her hands now, they were different. Rough, from working hard in the fields, but gentle. Always gentle. With him, with the children, with the grandchildren. She was always gentle. She loved to lie in their soft bed, talking over their day, making plans, always stroking his hair and playing with his fingers to soothe him into sleep. No-one touches him now, well, none that matter. Duty contact only. Toilet, wash, dress, chair. Not uncaring exactly, but impersonal.

Swallows are dancing in the sky, way marking, soon be gone now. He remembers how she loved to watch them wheeling and diving about house. Saying their goodbyes, she fancied. Well, she always was a dreamer. She was took ill in the Spring, when the Swallows were just arriving, and she died when they left, in Autumn. He wishes they would go now and leave him be. His memories have become painful.

His brain cries ‘Help me’, but his voice won’t work, Hands shaking, can’t reach the bell. Pain beyond pain, then a soft, familiar touch smoothes his hair. “Come to me, my lovely, I’ll take of you now”. Gentle fingers take his hand and, suddenly, they are young again. Tom and Kate, walking through the hayfield, laughing in the sunlight.

They pushed his wheelchair away from the window into a side room.
“Best leave him in here just now. Doctor and undertaker'll be along soon - there’s no rush.”

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This post has been edited by Galadriel: Jul 4 09, 05:40

[Psyche]

Oh my, Galadriel, you've certainly word-crafted a clear picture of an old people's nursing-home. Few words, splendid imagery and dialogue.

When I saw this, I slammed on the brakes to read it (I'm not reading or writing many short stories these days). My husband is in a nursing-home right now, with dementia. Fortunately, it's one of the 'good' homes, nonetheless there are no perfect homes. The psychiatrist prescribed (or ordered) my husband's internship, coz he constituted a danger in our home as well as the apartment building where we lived. It's true that he did dangerous things with the gas and escaped several times down to the street (once without clothes...), but I felt that a baby had been snatched from my arms. It was awful....

So now I visit him & give him lots of love & hugs...I shall come back to comment on YOUR work instead of my own life asap.

But first let me congratulate you!
Psyche (Sylvia)..... and a warm welcome to MM!

[Galadriel]

Oh my, Galadriel, you've certainly word-crafted a clear picture of an old people's nursing-home. Few words, splendid imagery and dialogue.

When I saw this, I slammed on the brakes to read it (I'm not reading or writing many short stories these days). My husband is in a nursing-home right now, with dementia. Fortunately, it's one of the 'good' homes, nonetheless there are no perfect homes. The psychiatrist prescribed (or ordered) my husband's internship, coz he constituted a danger in our home as well as the apartment building where we lived. It's true that he did dangerous things with the gas and escaped several times down to the street (once without clothes...), but I felt that a baby had been snatched from my arms. It was awful....

So now I visit him & give him lots of love & hugs...I shall come back to comment on YOUR work instead of my own life asap.

But first let me congratulate you!
Psyche (Sylvia)..... and a warm welcome to MM!

Thank you for your welcome, and for your comments on my work. I love to write - but am not a very disciplined writer!

I am sorry to read of your husbands illness - I believe dementia to be one of the more cruel, for both patient and carer.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Galadriel, I am not much of a short story writer, but I am a very avid and omnivorous reader. I loved this story, except for a few minor nits this was excellent. I loved the interspersed commentary of the staff with the mans thoughts. It is very sad that sometimes one has no choice but to be in a place of constant care. I know I for one never want to be in one.

The only nits I have are with some of the sentence structure, I think you might have been trying for an old fashion feel, but it reads more awkward to me.

August, it was, a late hay making, I think you could delete the "it was" here. As you have used it further down in the paragraph.

Or maybe it's because you have put the verb at the end of the sentence instead of toward the beginning... 'It was August, a late hay making,'...
and you have done that several times...

I sure hope to read more like this...

Steve

[Galadriel]

Galadriel, I am not much of a short story writer, but I am a very avid and omnivorous reader. I loved this story, except for a few minor nits this was excellent. I loved the interspersed commentary of the staff with the mans thoughts. It is very sad that sometimes one has no choice but to be in a place of constant care. I know I for one never want to be in one.

The only nits I have are with some of the sentence structure, I think you might have been trying for an old fashion feel, but it reads more awkward to me.

August, it was, a late hay making, I think you could delete the "it was" here. As you have used it further down in the paragraph.

Or maybe it's because you have put the verb at the end of the sentence instead of toward the beginning... 'It was August, a late hay making,'...

and you have done that several times...

I sure hope to read more like this...

Steve

Hi Steve - thank you for your comments. You are right - I was trying to give an old fashioned regional accent type feel. How would it be if I left "August, it was, a late haymaking", but changed the next bit from "There she was. Walking across the fields .... " to "She came walking across the fields ..."

What do you think - would that fix the problem ?

I concentrate so hard on not using 'got' or 'get' or too many 'ands', that I forget about other things !

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Galadriel, I think you have accomplished the necessary time establishment of the old mans memories, by just useing hay making time,her walking across the field, scythes, etc... no need to try to emphasize that. You might want to try what I do, I write by hand in notebooks I have stashed all over my house, then type it all in to MS Word, which catches most of my spelling and grammar...the reread a day or two later and read it very critically and revise...I know that helps me..sometime I leave things in the note books for months then come back with fresh eyes and a different mindset, that also helps me in revision.

Steve

[Galadriel]

Galadriel, I think you have accomplished the necessary time establishment of the old mans memories, by just useing hay making time,her walking across the field, scythes, etc... no need to try to emphasize that. You might want to try what I do, I write by hand in notebooks I have stashed all over my house, then type it all in to MS Word, which catches most of my spelling and grammar...the reread a day or two later and read it very critically and revise...I know that helps me..sometime I leave things in the note books for months then come back with fresh eyes and a different mindset, that also helps me in revision.

Steve

Thank you Steve, that is good advice.

[Thoth]

Hi Galadriel,

I loved this story with its crisp imagery of the home, the staff and the deep nostalgia and the hopelessness of the subject. I wrote a poem in the same theme once but not as good as this!
I am not strong with prose so don't feel qualified to comment but all I can say is was fantastic, Thank you.

Wally

[Sekhmet]

Hi Gabrielle of York - this was a good story. Anyone who has been in any way involved with the institutional care of the elderly will recognise the authenticity of your dialogue and scene painting, and they will also recognise the way in which the elderly mind drifts between the. 'now' and the distant past.
I found your use of dialect convincing - just enough to give a flavour of the countryside of old. Your imagery of darting swallows, bothering Tom's dying mind was strong.
As you can see - I enjoyed this convincing and moving story.
Leo