The sky was laden with a haze, Winter in the city Options

[Guest_MikeKuss_*]

The sky was laden with a haze
that only a few people could understand.

The yellow glow from the sun had not
quite turned red yet, signaling to
those watching that it would be a
perfect evening.

Ah, the city sounds that will continue
for a few hours. Horns blaring,
brakes squealing, people yelling, all
trying to make it home or to some
promised destination.

As the city begins to settle in for
the evening, the sounds lessen and the
cold moves in.

Winter in the city is a magical time.
People move quickly, tempers rarely flare.
Everyone is searching for warmth.

Midnight and the city sleeps. A few brave
souls travel about, but most are safe and
warm within their concrete wombs. Awaiting
rebirth at the first light of dawn.

-Mike Kussmaul

[Alan]

Dear Mike,

A first post ! Welcome to MM, may your sojourne here be long and full of teaching and learning.

What you have written hear is insightful, but, for me, needs tightening up to become more poetic and less prose.

The sky was laden with a haze
only few could understand.

The yellow sun,
not quite turned red,
signalled it would be
a perfect evening.

37 words reduces to 25, and you are welcome to disagree, but for me there is no lessening of meaning in what is left ?

Btw, I do this not because what you have written is bad at all, but because there is so much potential, like a rough diamond being cut (good word, that) to bring up the facets.

If you want me to do more, please say, tho I suspect that once you have been given the idea, you can cut away yourself pretty well.

Or if you wish me never to darken your poetic door again. you can say that too !

Love
Alan

[Guest_MikeKuss_*]

Hi Alan. Thanks for the suggestions. This was the first piece I wrote many years ago. I was going through some papers and found it, almost forgot it. While I appreciate the changes you suggest, my writing style is more in the line of prose. I can see that either way it still works...that's the unique thing about writing. Criticism comes from everyone and each person reads it differently. So thanks again for your suggestions. I appreciate your thoughts.
-Mike

[saore]

I like the simplicity of this poem Mike. The only suggestion I have is a comma after "Midnight" in the last stanza. The description in the poem is very nice.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Mike,

Welcome to MM.

I'm not certain what level or type of feedback you are looking for in your postings, so I'll first just ask the question and await your reply. Alan has made the same observation I did on my first read. It reads very prose-like. Would you consider adding some inner rhymes and other poetic devices like personification, alliteration and assonance to this piece to give a bit more of a poetic feel?

If I can demonstrate for you, perhaps something might spark your own muse:

The sky was laden with a haze that only a few people could understand.

Maybe sprinkle in one or two inner rhymes and rearrage like this:

The laden sky shed tears
of a crazed haze that
but a few, who knew,
could understand.

Please let me know what you are looking for in a crit and I'll be back.
Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_MikeKuss_*]

Hi Cleo. Thank you for the criticism. I've been thinking about my writing and I will say that I prefer prose to poetry. I am a storyteller essentially, not a poet. I was hoping for some criticism of my work but not trying to develop it into a poem complete with rhymes. When I write anything it comes from stress. I don't plan my writings, they just flow out of me. After I have finished writing something, I print it and it's over. I don't edit nor do I contemplate about it. It just comes out.
I am in the process of completing my PhD in Literature and Criticism, and my writings are a way to relieve the stress that I face on a daily basis.
Thanks again for your feedback. I appreciate it very much.

-Mike

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Mike,

We have a prose forum, actually two here if you'd like to have this reviewed in that category. The short prose forum is Stonehenge at this link: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showforum=8 . You can post short stories, articles, essays etc. there. I'll admit though, that forum is not as quickly reviewed as our poetry forums are. Would you like me to move this post over there for you? The posting rules over there are that each member may post a new work every two days (no more than that, please) providing they then post one critique to anothers' work in the same forum. The 1:2:1 rule applies.

Cheers,
~Cleo

[Guest_MikeKuss_*]

That would be great Cleo. Thanks for the information.

-Mike

[Cleo_Serapis]

Moving to Stonehenge.

Mike - do you want to keep it in this stanza format - or make it parapgraphs as normal prose?

[Guest_MikeKuss_*]

Hi Cleo. This is the way it should be set up. Thanks for moving it for me.
-Mike