One Infant Boy (reworked) Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

One Infant Boy

A brilliant star in the heavens shines true
to chart my course on a camel astride.
While time doesn't pass for children at heart,
each moment: a reflection of great pride.

From the lands of Sheba I carry myrrh,
my lone gift to Nativity’s savior King.
Thereafter, I share with each child, gifts
of lasting ideals; of peace I do bring.

In such a tumultuous world, we pray
that our progeny parlays this joy;
the spirit, the hope and the unity…
the embodiment of one infant boy.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 15 Dec 2006

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Lori.

I'm still pondering this one, Lori. I like very much the message that you seem to be sharing in this. I'm just not sure of the language in a couple of places. Remember, that "I'm not sure" means that my impressions could be wrong:

It seems to me that the child would be rather the embodiment of hope, joy, unity, spirit rather than the other way around? Also the "I do bring" and "on a camel astride" seem a bit stilted. Also, though I like the alliteration of "progeny parlays", somehow that seems odd to my ear as well... but that could be just me, of course.

I know that this all sounds a bit negative, but I want you to know that that is not my intention. I'm just trying to let you know of what doesn't seem to befit what I've come to appreciate about your writing. I hope that makes sense.

Love in Light, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel.

Thanks for your comments - do you have any specific ideas on a re-write for those areas that are bothersome to your ear or message intent?

Cheers
~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

As I had indicated, Lori, I'm still pondering...

but let me offer a couple of observations on the first stanza, part of which I don't yet understand?

I'm thinking that it might work to cast this in the present tense from the perspective of the narrator?

A shining brilliant star in the heavens shines true
[ 'shone' is past tense for shine, so 'shining' would seem redundant ? ]
to chart ing my course on the camel I'm astride.
While time doesn't pass for little children,
[ I'm not sure how the passing of time for children fits in here and what relevance it has to the 'each moment' that follows ? Please help my understanding here ? ]
each moment: a reflection of great pride.

I'll definitely be back to check in. My mind is a bit foggy, but not because of your piece!

sLightly blurry, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

As I had indicated, Lori, I'm still pondering...

but let me offer a couple of observations on the first stanza, part of which I don't yet understand?

I'm thinking that it might work to cast this in the present tense from the perspective of the narrator?

A shining brilliant star in the heavens shines true
[ 'shone' is past tense for shine, so 'shining' would seem redundant ? ]
to chart ing my course on the camel I'm astride.
While time doesn't pass for little children,
[ I'm not sure how the passing of time for children fits in here and what relevance it has to the 'each moment' that follows ? Please help my understanding here ? ]
each moment: a reflection of great pride.

I'll definitely be back to check in. My mind is a bit foggy, but not because of your piece!

sLightly blurry, Daniel

Thanks Daniel.

I hadn't even caught that one yesterday morning - the repeat of shining and shone - thanks - I've revised that line.

I mean to say that time doesn't pass for those young at heart - in other words "Christmas" is remembered and celebrated by all ages each year (reflecting past holidays). I just tweaked that line (it was originally a challenge to use the line "time doesn't pass for little children". I've tentatively revised to:
while time doesn't pass for children at heart but am wondering if this might work better:

while time doesn't pass for the young at heart ?

Look forward to your return Daniel!
~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

One Infant Boy

A brilliant star in the heavens shines true
to chart my course on a camel astride.
While time doesn't pass for children at heart,
each moment: a reflection of great pride.

Maybe... 'with a camel's stride'? And for line 3 maybe... 'While time doesn't pass for the child-like heart,'? I confess I read the other posts before commenting and I think 'young at heart' would be a bit cliche. It would also include adults who are children at heart.

I gotta run for now but I'll be back later to take a closer look at the rest of the poem.

Cathy

From the lands of Sheba I carry myrrh,
my lone gift to Nativity’s savior King.
Thereafter, I share with each child, gifts
of lasting ideals; of peace I do bring.

In such a tumultuous world, we pray
that our progeny parlays this joy;
the spirit, the hope and the unity…
the embodiment of one infant boy.

[Blank_Canvas]

I agree with the observations about a camel's stride, or my camels' stride, and about the child-like heart. Seems to improve the flow of the poem. The second verse, L3 & L4, also seems to trip me up when I read it. The only suggestion I have is (and you probably can come up with better):
Thereafter, I unknowingly gift each child,
with lasting ideals...the peace that giving (or possibly sharing) brings.

Love the message in this piece and the beauty of it's form. Good luck with your revisions, and I'll check back to see what you do with this one.
Marcia

[JustDaniel]

I am beginning to see your intent a bit more clearly now, I think ?

One Infant Boy

A brilliant star in the heavens shines true
to chart my course on for a camel's a stride.
While Time doesn't pass may stand still for a child[-] ren at[-]heart,
with each moment: a reflection of great welling pride.

From the lands of Sheba I carry myrrh,
my lone gift to Nativity’s Savior[-]King.
There Ever after, I share with each child, gifts[:]
of lasting ideals; of it is that peace I do bring.

In such a tumultuous world, we I pray
that our progeny may parlays this joy;
the spirit, the hope and the unity…
this embodiment of in one infant boy.

I'm afraid that I'm not terribly patient with myself in trying to explain the 'why' of some of my suggestions or observations, so if you have a question that what I offer does not obviate, please feel free to ask... or just ignore.

As you know, my 'style' of critique is usually to simply offer a perspective graphically, without cluttering the page with words. It's what I like from others, so I offer it myself. Explanations are sometimes the statement of the obvious, when we 'see' it, but of course other questions come from those observations.

There is no one GOOD way to critique... but I will say that I would love to do it how Liz does! But I've learned not to try. I'm me.

Lovin' the process, Daniel

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Lori,

been a while since I read you. I like the thrust of this but the metre fails for me in places. Would you consider an anapaestic ballad format for this? I think it would give you more freedom as well as adding structure, and the opening line already sets up that expectation.
[quote]a BRIL/iant STAR/ in the HEAV/ens shines TRUE - 4 beat anapaest quote]

Of course, that would mean alternating tetrameters and trimeters but much of this already fits the pattern and some slight changes could bring the rest into the mix.

[quote]A brilliant star in the heavens shines true
to chart my course on a camel astride.
While time doesn't pass for children at heart,
each moment: a reflection of great pride.[/quote]
The first line is a good opening, the 'true' sets this up beautifully. To develop as a ballad though, lines 2-4 need some work. The template rhythm would sound something like this;

de de DUM/ de de DUM/ de DE DUM/ de de DUM
de de DUM/ de de DUM/ de DE DUM
de de DUM/ de de DUM/ de DE DUM/ de de DUM
de de DUM/ de de DUM/ de DE DUM

though it is acceptable to substitute an initial iamb to introduce the stress quicker for the reader; de DUM, de de DUM/ de de DUM/ de de DUM. I have no intention to rewrite your piece but a suggested first stanza could be;

A BRIL/liant STAR/ in the HEAV/ens shines TRUE
to CHART/ my life's COURSE/ from aBOVE,
and TIME/ doesn't PASS/ for the CHILD/ in my HEART,
each MOM/ent's a LIFE/time of LOVE.

Just suggestions, of course, yours to use or lose,
Jim

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

Only one other observation (for now anyway LOL) and that is...

From the lands of Sheba I carry myrrh,
my lone gift to Nativity’s savior King.
Thereafter, I share with each child, gifts
of lasting ideals; of peace I do[will] bring.

Gotta run~ Time to get Blaise off to school!
Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Cathy, Marcia, Daniel and Jim.

I appreciate your visit and suggestions and just wanted you to know that I've read them and I'll be back to reply to each of you after the holidays when time finds me again.

Happiest of holidays to you all.

~Cleo