Fireflies and Fairies w/ new final stanza, Swap Quatrain Options

[heartsong7]

Fireflies and Fairies

While camping out one summer night,
we watched the fireflies alight
above, below and round about
one summer night, while camping out.

Like fairies dancing in the dark,
and sprinkling sparkles through the park,
two twinkled by, as if romancing
in the dark like fairies dancing.

With fireflies confined in jars,
we jumped into our parents’ cars.
I wondered if a fairy dies
confined in jars with fireflies.

I store these treasured memories
of summer nights and fantasies
in jars of dreams expressly for
these treasured memories I store.

was:
I treasure all those memories
of summer nights and fantasies,
of simple moments filled with pleasure--
all those memories, I treasure.

was: we watch as fireflies flash light*

[Merlin]

I think you've got it, since I've only ever done 2 of these myself. Must go digging.

A nice, easy feeling for summer.

Merlin

[AMETHYST]

Hi Sue,

Ah you've been bitten by the Swap Quatrain bug and it can be quite contagious. I think antique subjects, classical, and mystical subjects are enhanced using the form. It brings out a voice that has a fairytale appeal to my ear. Is this your very first SQ? ... If so, you did quite well.

Let me go stanza through stanza... I hope something I leave helps and I am excited to see you and others trying on an SQ for size ... like I said, beware ... they are addictive as well.

Hugs, Liz ...

Fireflies and Fairies...version 1

I like the title. Especially for someone who is drawn to mystical or mysterious poems it drew me right in

While camping out one summer night,
we watch as fireflies flash light
above, below and round about
one summer night, while camping out.

The opening is scene is so serene and peaceful. It gives the reader an immediate sense of nature's delights. In L2, I kept wanting to hear a past tense of 'watched' and flashed, or perhaps flickered
Suggest:

we watched fireflies flicker light

Ok... After rereading the other stanza's, I think I am wrong - perhaps ...

we watch as fireflies flicker light

Are fairies dancing in the dark,
and sprinkling sparkles through the park?
Two twinkle by, as if romancing
in the dark. Are fairies dancing?

Love the execuation of the switched line. Nicely done. You made great use of punctuation and changing the meaning and tone of voice from L1 into L4. I also enjoyed sprinkling/twinkle along with the lovely sounds of 'in' dancINg IN/sprINklINg/twINkle/romancINg/IN I just think that the sounds are beautful when read aloud, they add such sweetness to the voice of the narrator, allowing it to be like a lullaby -


With fireflies confined in jars,
we jump into our parents’ cars.
I wonder if a fairy dies
confined in jars with fireflies.

What a sad thought. This is excellent. What an amazing image and ideal. Not a nit.

I treasure all those memories
of summer nights and fantasies,
of simple moments filled with pleasure--
all those memories, I treasure.

At first I was going to comment that the repeat of "OF' to begin L2/L3 - but as I read it aloud I realized it is only a visual glitch and not a flowing sound. The ending is perfect. It emphasizes the magic of childhood and how it stays with us, as the narrator is remembering those memories are so vividly displayed and the emotion of warmth, magic and excitment fill the reader with the mirror of that emotion.

Big Hugs, Liz

[jgdittier]

Dear Sue,
I don't believe you are yet sure of the style you'll embrace for SQ's. I might help most once I know.
My style goes for repetitive iambic tetrameter lines with no meter substitutions.In scanning
"Fireflies and Fairies, I find quatrains 1 & 3 perfect IT and so too, the first 2 lines of Q 2 & 4.
Q-2 can be homogenized as follows:
Do fairies dance to light the dark
by sprinkling sparkles through the park?
A twinking pair, is it romance?
To light the dark, do fairies dance?

Do you insist on IT for the closing 2 lines?
If not, yours as written seem adequate to me. Or, if you simply want to tie up the ending a scant better:

To cherish all those memories
of summer night and fantasies,
believing too, no fairies perish.
All those memories to cherish...

I prefer repeated IT for Q4, but can't come up with anything. Read it aloud and decide how big a bump it is if it is!

Cheers, Ron jgd

[Michelle]

Hey Sue, I don't know much about the swap quatrain, but this seems an excellent poem to me. I get the gist of the form but have not done one yet. S2 is my favorite - such talent in those lines!

The last line is my least favorite. I'll be back - I've got an appointment this morning.


my best,

Michelle

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Sue,

These seem to be contagious! LOL I love the fairy theme, it's right up my alley!

Stanzas 1 & 3 are perfect iambic meter. 2 & 4 are a bit off in lines 3 & 4.

Are fairies dancing in the dark,
and sprinkling sparkles through the park?
Two twinkle by, as if romancing
in the dark. Are fairies dancing?

Line 3 has one too many syllables and the stress is off in 3 & 4
Maybe

Two twinkle by, is there romance
at twilight? Will the fairies dance?

I haven't yet come up with a suggestion for stanza 4 but if and when I do I shall return!

Dancing off into the stars~

Cathy

[heartsong7]

Hi Merlin... thanks for stopping by to check this out. It is my first attempt at an SQ. The form seems to inspire something lighthearted and fanciful for me. I guess it's the repeats.
S


hi Liz,
I so appreciate your thoughtful reviews. I'm thinking you're right about L2, it should be "watched"
as to meter, does it help to know I give "fire" 2 sylls?
I'm pleased you like my first swag at the form. It was fun to write.
Thank you.
As ever,
Sue


Hi Ron,
I respect and appreciate your opinions and know you prefer strict iambic. I don't know if the form requires a strict adherence to meter, but I tend toward slight variations these days. I think the fem. endings and headless iambs are definately within acceptable params for IT.
I don't quite understand what you mean here:

I don't believe you are yet sure of the style you'll embrace for SQ's

Are you referring to meter or content when you mention "style"?
As I say above, I'm ok with a few meter variations... and as to content... the form seems to lead my muse toward fantasy.
Thank you for sharing your insight on this one.
Take care.
Sue


Hi Michelle,
I very glad to know you enjoyed this first attempt at the form.
I'm not too pleased with the last line either, but since it's a reverse of the first line in that stanza, it will be a real challenge to change. I am working on it though and welcome any suggestions that would improve it.
Hope to see you soon.
Best to you.
Sue

Hi Cathy,
It's always a pleasure to have your input.
re:

2 & 4 are a bit off in lines 3 & 4.

I imagine you are referring to the same variations that Ron mentions... the headless iambs and fem. endings.
Here I scan thus:
Two twin kle by, as if ro man cing
in the dark. Are fair ies dan cing.

both lines have an unstressed (or feminine) syll to end. The stress is on the rhyme sylls man/dan
the second of the two lines starts with a stressed syll or 'headless iamb.'

Lines 3 and 4 of stanza 4 follow the same scansion.
of sim ple mom ents filled with plea sure--
all those mem or ies, I trea sure.

still iambic tetrameter, but with what I think are acceptable variations.
The key being that there are 4 stressed sylls per line.


I'm glad you enjoyed this little fantasy.

In stanza 2, the N is imagining or wondering if there are fairies among the fireflies, that's why the question...."Are fairies dancing...." I need to retain that idea.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and suggestions.
Best,
Sue

[Michelle]

Hey Sue, well I jostled and word searched a bit, but staying with my interpretion of that last stanza, I've come up with this:

My treasure gleams in memories
of summer nights and fantasies,
of simpler times and fairy dreams--
in memories my treasure gleams.


I'm sure this isn't going to be exactly right, but it might help your own jostling.

I think this poem is wonderful, Sue. I haven't read any other swap quatrains, but I will and try to write one too.

You are one of my favorite poets.

My best to you,

Michelle

[jgdittier]

Dear Sue,
Welcome back!
As to style, I meant all aspects. For me, sonnets, rondeaus and SQs carry a special beauty that I use a minimum PL on. You may see your style as different. I'll always suggest write to your style and some of us will like it, some won't.
Your revision reads very nicely to me. My comments were untargeted except to make it more amenable to my style in case it's your style too. I'm lucky I like poetry so much that I truly believe I see many of the glories and simply fail to see a nit.
Cheers, ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue.

BRAVO for penning your first swap quatrain! What a fascinating theme to use - summer nights, camping, catching lightning bugs/fireflies and relating them to fairies - very creative! Now you've got me pondering all the camping trips I experienced and wonder if fairies were among us.

You've done very well with the params of the form and I applaud you. There are no "specific" metrical requirements - I didn't want to restrict it too much so that poets could choose their own comfort patterns, tetrameter and pentameter seem to be the most common and iambic meter enhances and smooths the flow (but again, is not a requirement of the form).

I must admit, I fancy version 1 more as I felt more 'in the moment'. There's really not much to nit, so please take or toss my comments below as you wish.

I hope you'll consider joining in our first poetic forms collection - the Swap Quatrain will be the first in our series (suggested by Ron) of new chapbooks. This would be a wonderful addition.

Enjoyed muchly!
~Cleo



Fireflies and Fairies...version 1

While camping out one summer night,
we watch the fireflies alight (nice change here to alight)
above, below and round about
one summer night, while camping out.

Are fairies dancing in the dark, (no comma needed here)
and sprinkling sparkles through the park?
Two twinkle by, as if romancing
in the dark. Are fairies dancing?
I just love this whole stanza – you bring the fairies to life, show movement and put the question to us as the readers – do they romance and dance? Bravo! I also like the swapped endstop on L4 –smooth! Nice inner rhymes and alliteration too.

With fireflies confined in jars,
we jump into our parents’ cars.
I wonder if a fairy dies
confined in jars with fireflies. (should this be a question mark?)

I treasure all those memories
of summer nights and fantasies,
of simple moments filled with pleasure--
all those memories, I treasure.
Wonderful closing!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Here's an alternate idea for the closing (since you mentioned ideas are welcome):


A cherished cache of memories
ignites those summer fantasies
of simple moments' blissful stash
of memories – a cherished cache.


~Cleo

[Judi]

I love this, and although it scans ok, this still makes me pause.

Two twinkle by, as if romancing
in the dark. Are fairies dancing?

I guess it is because you changed your stresses. All in all I think it is such a light-
hearted poem..and your rhymes are fine...

I don't think it would have bothered me so much if your final lines in each quatrain
ended with the same kind of stresses. (says Judi trying to explain what her mind is thinking.) It will be great either way...use or lose...My best to you! Judi

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Sue! It's been too long ( at leat for me ). I think I noted that someone commented this is your first swap quatrain. I'd have to say WOW! 'cause it's a good'un... especially the first version.

Fireflies and Fairies...version 1

While camping out one summer night,
we watch the fireflies alight *
[ I like the revision ]
above, below and round about[...]
one summer night, while camping out.

Are fairies dancing in the dark (,)
and sprinkling sparkles through the park?
Two twinkle by, as if romancing
in the dark. Are fairies dancing?
[ Good enjambement here. Ending on a troche is difficult when the next line starts in iamb, but if the reader is ready with a pause, it's no problem. With swap quatrain, it would be quite difficult to start the next stanza with a troche... but, come to think of it, that might just be a challenge! ]

With fireflies confined in jars,
we jump into our parents’ cars.
I wonder if a fairy dies
confined in jars with fireflies.
[ Just the kind of question a child would ask! ]

I treasure all those memories
of summer nights and fantasies,
of simple moments filled with pleasure--
all those memories, I treasure.
[ Is comma necessary? ]

was: we watch as fireflies flash light*


Fireflies and Fairies...version 2
[ I think the first version's present tense works better, but I'll continue here; I think there's at least one spot where the tense is not consistent. ]

While camping out on summer nights,
we watched as fireflies flashed lights
[ or, we watched the fireflies flash lights ]
above, below and round about
on summer nights, while camping out.

Like fairies dancing in the dark,
they sprinkled sparkles through the park.
Two twinkle[d] by, as if romancing
in the dark, like fairies dancing.

With fireflies confined in jars,
we jumped into our parents’ cars.
I wondered if a fairy dies
[ or, I thought, what if my fairy dies ]
confined in jars with fireflies. ^[?]

I treasure all those memories
of summer nights and fantasies,
of simple moments filled with pleasure--
all those memories, I treasure.

Accept our plaudits without measure; give us feedback at your leisure...

Lightly, Daniel

[heartsong7]

Hi Michelle, Ron, Lori, Judy and Daniel,
I'm sorry to be away so long without thanking you for your wonderful responses to this one....lots of great feedback to chew on. Michelle and Lori, you have both offered excellent suggestions for the last stanza. Thank you all, so much.
Time and circumstances continue to conspire to give me little time to look in, but I do as often as I can and always enjoy reading the works of you talented folks.
Happy writing to all!
Sue

[JustDaniel]

I'm personally looking forward to your ability to return more regularly, girl! It's always a pleasure to interact with you. Your observations and suggestions are always astute, and you both take and recieve critique so wonderfully!

deLighting in the process, Daniel

[4rum]

heartsong7;

I do like form poetry and prefer rhyming. Though I'm not yet accomplished as a poet or critic I will tell you this much from my perspective.

I prefer version 1. I felt your free and natural movement that came from the original inspiration. The second version, though edited and maybe more proper, did not have the feel of the first.

I like the poem's style and structure and the memories it brings should give it universal appeal. I know it certainly brought a warm smile to me as I read. Greatly enjoyed.

[jgdittier]

Dear Heartsong7,
By "style", it might vary. However, for me, generally, it's how open to PL you are being or how comitted to serious poetry written to all current standards.
Another element is your pet poetic peeves, eg, like Merlins avoidence of "I"s, others avoiding "ings".
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Mistral]

Hi Sue,
Amazing! First time I've seen this form and I took utter delight in it.

Hugs,
M
So much to learn....so much to learn....

[Mary Boren]

Sue,

I've been wondering what became of you. The selfish part of me wants you here every day, but the remainder acknowledges that you need to devote yourself to whatever it is that keeps you away for now. I hope it's as pleasurable as poetry, and trust you'll always keep an eye out for the trail that leads back home.

Love,

Mary

[heartsong7]

I do apologise for letting this get away without my thanking those of you who commented after my last reply. I really appreciate all your helpful suggestions and have finally convinced my muse to come up with a fix for the final stanza. This is my first and only swap quatrain and I'm thinking I may submit it for consideration in the chapbook, if it's not too late.

Thank you all very much.
Sue