Up Side Down [revised Aug 28], Sonnet Options

[Guest_February_*]

(Revised 8/28)

Up Side Down

If I could glimpse a day through *Janet’s eyes,
would miry thoughts disrupt her evening tea?
Is her mind stirred like milk-glass clouded skies,
or smooth as crystal on a glassy sea?

I rarely can escape the thumb of grief
as ides of sorrow, furtive as a moor,
dilute my joy. This grave is like a reef
of coral, dead and buried off the shore.

I ponder whether darkness pulls her down
the way a swell of ocean heeds the moon,
and bends the crescent of her lovely smile
to sculpt through passing years, a sagging frown.
I pray she knows our pain shall end as soon
as we have walked this lower realm a while.

_________________________________________________

Up Side Down

If I could glimpse a day through *Janet’s eyes,
would mired thoughts dilute her evening tea?
Is her mind calm as milk-glass clouded skies,
or does she feel the weight of things like me?

I rarely can escape the thumb of grief
as ides of sorrow, furtive as a moor
dampen my joy – this grave is as a reef
of coral, dead and buried off a shore.

I ponder whether darkness pulls her down
the way a swell of ocean heeds the moon,
and bends the crescent of her lovely smile
to sculpt from passing age, a sagging frown.
Or does she know our pain is ending soon
after we’ve walked this lower realm a while?


Anne Bryant-Hamon - Aug 2007

* This poem was inspired in part by John Crowe Ransom’s poem, *Janet Waking (1925)
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~Hyper2/ModPtry...nsom.html#janet

[heartsong7]

Hi Anne,
It's so nice to see you here. I've missed reading you.
This is lovely and pretty well polished. I see little to nit-pick but will have a go with my crit glasses on.

Up Side Down

If I could glimpse a day through *Janet’s eyes,
would mired thoughts dilute her evening tea?
whose mired thoughts, yours or hers?
Is her mind calm as milk-glass clouded skies,
This line's a little off-meter but I like the unique visual of 'milk-glass clouded''

or does she feel the weight of things like me?

I rarely can escape the thumb of grief
as ides of sorrow, furtive as a moor
dampen my joy – this grave is as a reef
could be smoothed unless the variation is your intent.
of coral, dead and buried off a shore.

I ponder whether darkness pulls her down
the way a swell of ocean heeds the moon,
and bends the crescent of her lovely smile
to sculpt from passing age, a sagging frown.
beautiful imagery!
Or does she know our pain is ending soon
after we’ve walked this lower realm a while?
I think it would be better to end with a definate statement rather than another question, since this is a sonnet.
the last line makes me stumble.
consider something like:
"I'm sure she knows our pain will end as soon
as each has walked this lower realm awhile"



Anne Bryant-Hamon - Aug 2007

* This poem was inspired in part by John Crowe Ransom’s poem, *Janet Waking (1925)
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~Hyper2/ModPtry...nsom.html#janet

I hope I've offered something helpful.
It's a wonderful piece.
Best,
Sue

[Peterpan]

Hello February~

This is a piece by a very talented and gifted person. I see what Judi means! WOW amazing words. Cant find a further nit but, will give it thought and be back to follow what the others think.

Excellent and welcome again.

Thank you for sharing your poetry, what a pleasure.

PP

[Mary Boren]

Hello Anne. Welcome to MM. I think it has been about seven years since our paths crossed, right? You're a gifted poet. This one's a little too heavy for the mood I'm in right now, so I'll come back to it later.

Mary

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Hello Febuary,
I see your real name is Anne. Which do you prefer?
This is a very well written piece and though I'm not equipped to offer much by way of critique, for my own learning process, I did read what others have written. I join in the praise and also add that it looks like Sue has offered some sensible suggestions and I'm sure Mary will too.
I found it striking in imagery and mood.
Liz

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Anne. Welcome to MM, obviously joining a number of your friends.

I join them in praise of your work. Please allow me a few additional notes:

Up Side Down

If I could glimpse a day through *Janet’s eyes,
would mired thoughts dilute her evening tea?
[ Would something 'mired' dilute... or make a thing heavier ? ]
Is her mind calm as milk-glass clouded skies,
[ Might 'milk-glass' be enough to communicate clouded and you use the two syllables for something else? Should you not, might you consider reversing the order ? ]
or does she feel the weight of things like me?
[ Grammatically, your ending, methinks, asks about your weight and refers to you as a thing. Purely, it should be "as I (do)," but of course that wouldn't do for rhyme. ]

I rarely can escape the thumb of grief
as ides of sorrow, furtive as a moor
[ I'm not familiar with this use of "ides" ? please explain ? ]
that dampen my joy – this grave is as a reef
of coral, dead and buried off a shore.

I ponder whether darkness pulls her down
the way a swell of ocean heeds the moon,
and bends the crescent of her lovely smile
to sculpt from passing age, a sagging frown.
Or does she know our pain is ending soon
after we’ve walked this lower realm a while?
[ I know nothing about ending a sonnet on a question, and I'm rebel enough to do it just because someone says I can't... but perhaps to open the last line with "when we have..." (maybe after an elipsis?) to even the meter ? ]

once through Lightly for now, Daniel

[Merlin]

Hello February,

Let me march up and say a howdy-do also. I see many of my cohorts know you; I don't believe we have crossed paths, however.

Without benefit of reading all the other suggestions, I'm left wondering why you'd call yourself a "thing" in L4? In L6, I get this interesting picture of a "furtive Moor" - did you consider that?

I shall be off to check your link to the inspiring Janet.

Best,

Merlin

[Guest_February_*]

Hi Anne,
It's so nice to see you here. I've missed reading you.
This is lovely and pretty well polished. I see little to nit-pick but will have a go with my crit glasses on.

Up Side Down

If I could glimpse a day through *Janet’s eyes,
would mired thoughts dilute her evening tea?
whose mired thoughts, yours or hers?
Is her mind calm as milk-glass clouded skies,
This line's a little off-meter but I like the unique visual of 'milk-glass clouded''

or does she feel the weight of things like me?

I rarely can escape the thumb of grief
as ides of sorrow, furtive as a moor
dampen my joy – this grave is as a reef
could be smoothed unless the variation is your intent.
of coral, dead and buried off a shore.

I ponder whether darkness pulls her down
the way a swell of ocean heeds the moon,
and bends the crescent of her lovely smile
to sculpt from passing age, a sagging frown.
beautiful imagery!
Or does she know our pain is ending soon
after we’ve walked this lower realm a while?
I think it would be better to end with a definate statement rather than another question, since this is a sonnet.
the last line makes me stumble.
consider something like:
"I'm sure she knows our pain will end as soon
as each has walked this lower realm awhile"



Anne Bryant-Hamon - Aug 2007

* This poem was inspired in part by John Crowe Ransom’s poem, *Janet Waking (1925)
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~Hyper2/ModPtry...nsom.html#janet

I hope I've offered something helpful.
It's a wonderful piece.
Best,
Sue

Sue - Heartsong! It is wonderful to find you again. Thanks so much for your critique. This poem is giving me problems that may be not be fixable, but there are worse problems in this old world.

I'm really glad to find a board where so much of the salt of the earth is found :-)


Anne/February

[Guest_February_*]

Hello February~

This is a piece by a very talented and gifted person. I see what Judi means! WOW amazing words. Cant find a further nit but, will give it thought and be back to follow what the others think.

Excellent and welcome again.

Thank you for sharing your poetry, what a pleasure.

PP

Peter Pan -

Many thanks for such generous and kind words.

Looks like I have some catching up to do. I had to be away from my computer for longer than I wanted after I posted this.

February/Anne

[Guest_February_*]

Hello Anne. Welcome to MM. I think it has been about seven years since our paths crossed, right? You're a gifted poet. This one's a little too heavy for the mood I'm in right now, so I'll come back to it later.

Mary

Hello, Mary!

Has it really been seven years? That makes me feel old! Yes, this one is a bit heavy, especially in line 4 with my full weight on poor Janet's foot, lol!

Sure is good to catch up with you after all these years. What a neat board this is.

Anne/February

[Guest_February_*]

Hello Febuary,
I see your real name is Anne. Which do you prefer?
This is a very well written piece and though I'm not equipped to offer much by way of critique, for my own learning process, I did read what others have written. I join in the praise and also add that it looks like Sue has offered some sensible suggestions and I'm sure Mary will too.
I found it striking in imagery and mood.
Liz

Hi Liz -

Either Anne or February is fine... don't have a preference...

Thanks for commenting. It is a poem that is not quite there but I'd like to make it work.

Best to you -

Feb/Anne

[Guest_February_*]

Greetings, Anne. Welcome to MM, obviously joining a number of your friends.

I join them in praise of your work.
once through Lightly for now, Daniel

Greetings, Daniel -

Thank you for a thorough once-through. It's nice to make your acquaintance.

February/Anne

[Guest_February_*]

Hello February,

Let me march up and say a howdy-do also. I see many of my cohorts know you; I don't believe we have crossed paths, however.

Without benefit of reading all the other suggestions, I'm left wondering why you'd call yourself a "thing" in L4? In L6, I get this interesting picture of a "furtive Moor" - did you consider that?

I shall be off to check your link to the inspiring Janet.

Best,

Merlin

Howdy do, Merlin -

This poem has syntax problems! Sometimes that old syntax just taxes me too much.

Thanks, and nice to meet you.

Feb/Anne

[Judi]

Up Side Down

Hi Anne...This is such a lovely sonnet...You are off to a great start on this wonderful board which I am SURE you will enjoy. I have only a few suggestions to offer you, and you know you can use or lost them. () means delete {} means add!


If I could glimpse a day through *Janet’s eyes,
would mired thoughts dilute her evening tea?
Is her mind calm as milk-glass clouded skies,
or does she feel the weight of (things){those} like me?

I rarely can escape the thumb of grief
as ides of sorrow, furtive as a moor
(dampen){dilute} my joy – this grave is as a reef
of coral, dead and buried off a shore.

I ponder whether darkness pulls her down
the way a swell of ocean heeds the moon,
and bends the crescent of her lovely smile
to sculpt from passing age, a sagging frown.
(Or does){How can} she know our pain is ending soon
(after we’ve) {when we have} walked this lower realm a while(?){.}


Anne Bryant-Hamon - Aug 2007

* This poem was inspired in part by John Crowe Ransom’s poem, *Janet Waking (1925)
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~Hyper2/ModPtry...nsom.html#janet

[Guest_February_*]

Up Side Down

Hi Anne...This is such a lovely sonnet...You are off to a great start on this wonderful board which I am SURE you will enjoy. I have only a few suggestions to offer you, and you know you can use or lost them. () means delete {} means add!


If I could glimpse a day through *Janet’s eyes,
would mired thoughts dilute her evening tea?
Is her mind calm as milk-glass clouded skies,
or does she feel the weight of (things){those} like me?

I rarely can escape the thumb of grief
as ides of sorrow, furtive as a moor
(dampen){dilute} my joy – this grave is as a reef
of coral, dead and buried off a shore.

I ponder whether darkness pulls her down
the way a swell of ocean heeds the moon,
and bends the crescent of her lovely smile
to sculpt from passing age, a sagging frown.
(Or does){How can} she know our pain is ending soon
(after we’ve) {when we have} walked this lower realm a while(?){.}


Anne Bryant-Hamon - Aug 2007

* This poem was inspired in part by John Crowe Ransom’s poem, *Janet Waking (1925)
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~Hyper2/ModPtry...nsom.html#janet

Judi,

Thanks. I have incorporated some of your solutions in my revision. I like where you moved the word 'dilute'.

Anne

[Mary Boren]

Yep, seven years. I remember because it was the year Robert died.

Your revision pretty much fixes this up, but have another look at L3, will you? It's sluggish. Maybe that's what you want to accompany the theme, but I'm just letting you know it doesn't work for me.

-M.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Anne,

Again Welcome to Mosaic Musings! I am glad to have you a part of the family! This holds a dramatic voice to it, as well as good use of your space, making use of fresh words and images. I liked how the turn is made easy, like a turn in a dance - unnoticed until you begin seeing the view has changed. This is done quite well.

A couple of small area's that just felt tumbly to my ear - including L3 as Mary has mentioned - I would give a 2nd on that!

Some further thoughts in stanza, please use what can help and discard the rest - This is a must read again and again! Beautiful work!

Best Wishes, Liz

Up Side Down

I like the title, it doesn't give anything away before the read but has a multi-layered meaning after the read. It works for me!

If I could glimpse a day through *Janet’s eyes,
would miry thoughts disrupt her evening tea?
Is her mind stirred like milk-glass clouded skies,
or smooth as crystal on a glassy sea?

Love the use of miry, its a word I don't see often and it reads smooth within the image and sounds... L3, feels bumpy meter wise...
Perhaps



I rarely can escape the thumb of grief
as ides of sorrow, furtive as a moor,
dilute my joy. This grave is like a reef
of coral, dead and buried off the shore.

L5, the word rarely stumbles me or maybe it is the placement of 'can' I keep wanting to say I can rarely ... perhaps it would flow easier as ...
I can barely escape the thumb of grief (creating a double iamb with barely escape)
or I can seldom escape the thumb of grief ... for alliterative and sound effect, as seldom is more closer to the meaning of rarely than barely is ... of course it is up to you!

Very strong images create a pleasurable read here... everything else to my ear is smooth off my tongue...


I ponder whether darkness pulls her down
the way a swell of ocean heeds the moon,
and bends the crescent of her lovely smile
to sculpt through passing years, a sagging frown.
I pray she knows our pain shall end as soon
as we have walked this lower realm a while.

L9, Ponder always feels awkward to my ear- I think it is a personal preference and is minor, however what about 'I wonder whether darkness pulls her down ..' for some reason it sounds as if it fits more naturally to my ear...
L10 - AWESOME ... love the image it depicts and how it just dances about the air when read aloud! Beautiful lines there after... Not a nit...

I quite enjoyed this Anne and am glad you found your way to MM!

[JustDaniel]

I'm still puzzling over the meaning of 'ides'... are you merely alluding here? What is its meaning? I cannot find this usage anywhere.

stumbling sLightly, Daniel

[Guest_February_*]

Hello Anne,

Again Welcome to Mosaic Musings! I am glad to have you a part of the family! This holds a dramatic voice to it, as well as good use of your space, making use of fresh words and images. I liked how the turn is made easy, like a turn in a dance - unnoticed until you begin seeing the view has changed. This is done quite well.

A couple of small area's that just felt tumbly to my ear - including L3 as Mary has mentioned - I would give a 2nd on that!

Some further thoughts in stanza, please use what can help and discard the rest - This is a must read again and again! Beautiful work!

Best Wishes, Liz

Up Side Down

I like the title, it doesn't give anything away before the read but has a multi-layered meaning after the read. It works for me!

If I could glimpse a day through *Janet’s eyes,
would miry thoughts disrupt her evening tea?
Is her mind stirred like milk-glass clouded skies,
or smooth as crystal on a glassy sea?

Love the use of miry, its a word I don't see often and it reads smooth within the image and sounds... L3, feels bumpy meter wise...
Perhaps



I rarely can escape the thumb of grief
as ides of sorrow, furtive as a moor,
dilute my joy. This grave is like a reef
of coral, dead and buried off the shore.

L5, the word rarely stumbles me or maybe it is the placement of 'can' I keep wanting to say I can rarely ... perhaps it would flow easier as ...
I can barely escape the thumb of grief (creating a double iamb with barely escape)
or I can seldom escape the thumb of grief ... for alliterative and sound effect, as seldom is more closer to the meaning of rarely than barely is ... of course it is up to you!

Very strong images create a pleasurable read here... everything else to my ear is smooth off my tongue...


I ponder whether darkness pulls her down
the way a swell of ocean heeds the moon,
and bends the crescent of her lovely smile
to sculpt through passing years, a sagging frown.
I pray she knows our pain shall end as soon
as we have walked this lower realm a while.

L9, Ponder always feels awkward to my ear- I think it is a personal preference and is minor, however what about 'I wonder whether darkness pulls her down ..' for some reason it sounds as if it fits more naturally to my ear...
L10 - AWESOME ... love the image it depicts and how it just dances about the air when read aloud! Beautiful lines there after... Not a nit...

I quite enjoyed this Anne and am glad you found your way to MM!

Liz,

Thanks for the thorough going through! I'm working on a revision.

I really appreciate the help.

Anne

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Anne,

I really enjoyed the thought-provoking questions posed in this poem. I've been sitting here for almost an hour trying to offer a critique on the one line that made me go 'Oopsie - meter bump and that is in L3:

Is her mind stirred like milk-glass clouded skies,.

There are other words I can think of to offer, but the combinations aren't clicking right as I try them out. I have ominous skies, foreboding skies, tumultuous skies, sinister skies. I keep thinking of other word options for the end of the line, but then I thought it might just be the beginning of the line: Is her mind stirred - I don't see any DUMs in these 4 beats? Is there a way to rephrase this part? Also, I like milk-glass, but know you use 'glass' again in the next line (glassy) so wonder if you'll reconsider that or a slight re-phrase here in L3 so as not to repeat that word?

The only other things that keeps coming to mind is possibly making a change from 'mind' to 'mindset' or 'temper' to add that DUM? Maybe something like:
Is her mindset obscured by darkened skies,
Is her temper masked behind darkened skies
Is her mindset masked beneath clouded skies

I admit that none of the above offerings fit the meter, but at least it's food for thought...

Well, I'll be back again soon.
Cheers
~Cleo