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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Dig

Posted by: weaver Oct 31 15, 23:49

As storm skies blow in
calmer seas begins to churn
to toss and turn, whirl
in spiral pools, drill
to excavate some ancient site
buried in its sandy bed.

And so we search
to find mystery lost
only revealed when wild skies
flash strobes of lightning
clap out thunder at midnight
wake us from our small lives.

Set the every day on fire!
Quiet endless tick of wall clocks.
Dig - blow the ghosts away.

Posted by: Eisa Nov 1 15, 08:26

Hi Weaver,

It's great to read this poem here. I would hate to think that I'd never read your work again.

I love many of the images you create in this. A few thoughts below.

As storm skies blow in
calmer seas begins to churn
to toss and turn, whirl
in spiral pools, drill
to excavate some ancient site
buried in its sandy bed.

Perhaps a comma at the end of the fist line to make a pause
I wonder if the 'to' is needed in L3 if you added a coma after churn.

As storm skies blow in,
calmer seas begins to churn,
toss and turn, whirl
in spiral pools,

And so we search
to find mystery lost
only revealed when wild skies
flash strobes of lightning
clap out thunder at midnight
wake us from our small lives.

This is my favourite stanza, I love

flash strobes of lightning
clap out thunder at midnight

Set the every day on fire!
Quiet endless tick of wall clocks.
Dig - blow the ghosts away.

Nice ending. A hint of ghosts for Halloween.

Very enjoyable read, Weaver.

Eira

Posted by: anaisa Nov 1 15, 16:25

Hi Weaver,

(it's KD from TCP) Hey I like this. I read it a few times and then it dawned on me
the second strophe was more of a metaphor (at least that's how I see it).
As if calamity or something unusual might awaken us from the mundane, to urge us
to set our lives on fire with meaning and passion. Loved reading this. One suggestion
is to slightly change these two lines. Either way, I enjoyed reading your poem.

clapping out thunder at midnight
to wake us from our small lives.

As storm skies blow in
calmer seas begins to churn
to toss and turn, whirl
in spiral pools, drill
to excavate some ancient site
buried in its sandy bed.

And so we search
to find mystery lost
only revealed when wild skies
flash strobes of lightning
clap out thunder at midnight
wake us from our small lives.

Set the every day on fire!
Quiet endless tick of wall clocks.
Dig - blow the ghosts away.

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Posted by: posthumous Nov 1 15, 18:18

I love the sonics. This poem blows like a storm. My only quibble is that when a comma comes at the end of the line, you leave it off... but punctuation seems as subjective as line breaks to poets, so I won't harp on it.

The only other problem I had is with the "dig" metaphor. It just doesn't fit with the storm metaphor at all.

Posted by: Psyche Nov 2 15, 16:58

Hi Weaver, welcome to MM!
You've achieved a great atmosphere of stormy seas and several other powerful elements of marine nature. And thrown some mystery in as well! Wonderful read. Only have one or two comments to make, for you to take or toss.

QUOTE (weaver @ Nov 1 15, 02:49 )

As storm skies blow in
calmer seas begins to churn <<<<<< should be 'begin', I think.
to toss and turn, whirl
in spiral pools, drill
to excavate some ancient site
buried in its sandy bed.

If you put a comma after 'churn', you can do away with 'to' at the beginning of L3. The reason being that this mighty strophe contains 'to' three times. Not that it's wrong, I just say it for aesthetic reasons. Take or toss!

And so we search
to find mystery lost
only revealed when wild skies <<<<could cut out 'only', perhaps?
flash strobes of lightning
clap out thunder at midnight
wake us from our small lives.

Lovely lines in this stanza. I can picture the wildness out there, calling us to change our daily routines, do something big! Can be metaphorical or otherwise, IMO.

Set the every day on fire!
Quiet endless tick of wall clocks.
Dig - blow the ghosts away.

Love L1 and 2, wow...
Not sure about 'Dig', followed by 'blow the ghosts away'. I gather it to mean that we can dig in the ancient sites uncovered by the waves. Discover the realities of long ago and thus rid ourselves of any ghostly meanings attached to them over the centuries. Would love your thoughts on this!
Psyche

Posted by: weaver Nov 8 15, 15:06

Hi everyone!

So great to see you all here, so sorry for the very tardy reply I've been in heavy work travel mode.
All great comments, and yes I will remove the 's' from begins and the 'to' in front of L3!
It is indeed a metaphor regarding our daily repetitive routine and how sometimes that has to be disturbed in order for change to occur.
I used the word 'dig' to play off the excavation of the sea-bed as the water whips up a whirlpool of sand and uncovers something deep within. I see 'dig' is a bit of an issue though for the readers - the sea excavates, the human digs - any suggestions on that?
Thanks for reading, hope to be here a bit more in the future.

Cheers
W

Posted by: posthumous Nov 8 15, 21:29

Now I'm feeling a bit obtuse... yes, clearly you are talking about a storm "excavating" like an archeologist.

With this in mind, it's your "Set the every day on fire" that becomes a mixed metaphor. Maybe if you use a lightning image here instead...